


Connor's Tale - A Jonnor Story

by G8rguy



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Jonnor - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:19:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 50,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4364573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/G8rguy/pseuds/G8rguy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the end of the year beach party, Connor and Jude discover that the whole school knows about them and Jude storms off.  Connor now has to deal with an upset boyfriend, a friend that betrayed their trust, and an ex-girlfriend who has learned the truth, and actually doesn't seem upset.  But Daria does want answers and maybe its time for Connor to finally come clean to her and Taylor about everything.  Maybe its time for Connor to tell his story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beach Party

It was the end of the year beach party at Anchor Beach and everyone was having fun. Jude and Connor had finally made it to the beach after taking a bit longer than they normally would. Connor was getting the hang of moving about on the crutches, but once he got off the sidewalk, street, or other solid surface, he didn't move quite that fast and the grass and sand was slowing him down. 

"You got it?" Jude asked, his hand hovering behind Connor ready to reach out and steady him as they walked down the beach, Connor maneuvering his crutches on the sand.

"Yeah, I got it" Connor replied, trying to keep his balance and get through the crowd of fellow students without running in to anyone.

They had only gotten a few steps, and started to look for a place to sit down, when a classmate of theirs, Logan, caught a football right in front of them. He started to turn back to the guys he was playing with when he spotted Jude & Connor.

Seeing them, Logan got a big grin on his face, "this is going to be fun" he thought..."Okay, wait, wait, you two are like gay for each other?" Logan asked them, his face showing confusion and amusement when he asked that question.

"Gay", Jude hears that word directed not just at him but at Connor and his blood runs cold. Its not like he hasn't heard it before at other schools and other times, and it had always been easier to ignore or pretend it didn't matter to him, but this time it really hit him hard. Because not only did Jude know it was true, but it wasn't just aimed at him this time, it was also directed at the boy who had gone through so much for him, who was now being targeted because of Jude. He looks down, he can't meet Connor's eyes, "it's all my fault" Jude thinks. 

For Connor, Logan's words leave him stunned. He hears those words that Logan is using, but the reality of them is like tossing cold water to his face. "This isn't what he wants" Connor thinks and he turns to look at Jude and there he sees the sudden blankness on his boyfriend's face. But Jude is looking down, not making eye contact and Connor realizes that Jude is shutting down. He only waits for a second to see if Jude will do anything but the dark haired boy seems frozen by Logan's comments. 

"Not this time" Connor thinks, "I held back when Jeremy and Blake grabbed Jude for wearing nail polish at the beginning of the year, but I promised never again." Seeing those jerks picking on Jude for his nail polish had caught Connor by surprise. He had been unsure what to do and even though it was only took a few seconds before he decided that he should step in and had even started to move forward to intervene, it was too long. Ms. Williams, their science teacher, had arrived and broken things up and sent both Jeremy and Blake to the principal's office. Connor could never forget the look of hurt and shame on Jude's face when he looked at him before he ran off. Connor didn't follow his friend and didn't know what he was supposed to say or do. Jude never said anything about Connor not standing up for him, but Connor still felt like dirt for not moving faster. He had even painted his own nails the next day to show Jude that he would be there for him. But that look of hurt on Jude's face that day was a reminder that Connor should never hesitate to defend this boy who had taken such a big piece of his heart.

Shifting his eyes back to Logan, Connor replies "Yeah so what? You got something to say about it?" Without even realizing it Connor had shifted his body, no longer crouching with the crutches, but standing taller, moving slightly forward to put himself between Logan and Jude."Nah man, it's all good" Logan replies with apprehension. 

Connor Stevens is one of the big jock guys in their grade. Tall and athletic, he plays on two sports teams(!), Connor had always been admired by his peers and very few guys have ever gotten on his bad side. Mostly because he never seemed to have a bad side. He was always friendly with everyone, but Logan suddenly remembers hearing about when Connor confronted several guys who had been making fun of Jude behind his back when Jude wasn't talking to anyone. Connor had made it very clear to them, and everyone else, that anyone who had a problem with Jude, had a problem with him. That had put a quick stop to the teasing and taunting.

Logan tried to get himself out of this situation fast, "I just heard and I thought..." but Connor interrupts him, "You thought what!" Logan tries to back up, he really didn't plan on getting Connor mad! "Nothing man, it's cool". But Connor's not buying it, "Get out of my face." Logan backs away never even looking at Jude or noticing that his eyes were on the ground or that his shoulders has slumped forward. Logan takes off and make a note to himself, do not ever cross Connor Stevens!

Sitting off to the side on their blanket, Taylor and Daria watched the whole exchange with two entirely different reactions. 

For Taylor, she has a sudden feeling of guilt for the decision she had made to tell people that Jude and Connor were gay and dating. Earlier that day, she had told several girls who she knew were huge gossips about the boys in the hopes of proving to Connor it would be okay. She had figured that once they knew something that juicy, it would be all over school in no time. But now...Taylor began to think that maybe it wasn't Connor who wanted their relationship to be secret, that maybe it was Jude who didn't want to say something. 

Taylor had confronted Connor just yesterday about why he didn't admit to Daria that he liked Jude, but he had only replied that he couldn't. Taylor had felt sorry for Connor for not being able to admit his feelings, but she had thought that he was just being a stupid, popular, jock boy who was more concerned about his reputation than about Jude's feelings. But seeing Connor jump on Logan so fast while Jude was being so quiet and closed off..."I think I made a huge mistake."


	2. Daria's View

Daria on the other hand was stunned. 

Hearing Connor say "Yeah, so what" when Logan said that he and Jude were not only gay, but also together, instead of denying it, suddenly made everything click. 

Daria had never understood the distance that Jude always seemed to put between the two of them. Daria actually liked Jude, he was smart, funny, and while no Connor, he was cute in his own way. And even though she had tried hard to include him as Connor's best friend when they did things, and never got mad at the way Connor always seemed to make sure that Jude was included on their plans, or how they always sat together at lunches, there was always this barrier between them. 

Daria had even wondered if the problem was that maybe Jude had also liked her and was jealous of his friend. Especially since he was never mean or rude to her, he never said any snarky comments (unlike her best friend Taylor – "yes I heard that comment about Meerkats"), or did anything other than try and avoid her. Thinking back, every time he did snap a little or show some frustration, it was never directed towards her, it was always towards Connor. And she had learned very quickly being around them that Jude's opinion of Connor mattered to Connor a great deal.

**FLASHBACK**

"Daria, we need to talk." 

She remembered when Connor said those words to her at the hospital when she had gone to visit him after the shooting. He could barely look at her and she suddenly felt her heart in her throat. 

Seeing Connor shot two days earlier had been one of the scariest things that she had ever experienced. The blood and the yelling and the sound of the gun were awful. She and Taylor had gotten outside the door and were in the clear when the shot rang out and she heard Connor's scream. 

Turning back, Taylor started yelling at her dad that it was her and to stop shooting, but Daria had frozen. The lights came on and she saw her boyfriend on the ground, bleeding, with Jude holding on to him. She couldn't seem to move and she heard Taylor calling 911 for help. Connor was gripping on to Jude's arms and hands fiercely and Jude was talking to him, but she couldn't hear what they were saying.

It took Daria two days to get up the nerve to go visit Connor after that night, especially after Taylor told her about going to the hospital with her dad to apologize to Connor and Mr. Stevens. Mr. Stevens scared Daria to be honest, he always seemed so angry about something and she had noticed that Connor had flinched more than once when his dad had said something.

Taylor had been so quiet, not at all like her typical sarcastic self. No sly comments or jokes. She had told Daria that she felt so bad since it was all her idea and it was her dad who had fired the gun. And poor Taylor's dad, he was so overwhelmed by the shooting that he could barely get out of bed. Unlike Connor's dad, Taylor's dad was pretty cool. He was so nice to her whenever she was over at Taylor's house, she knew he wasn't a mean guy.

Daria looked down at Connor who was looking at her from his hospital bed but wasn't able to look her in the eyes, but he looked so sad. "Okay," she said dreading the answer, "what did you want to talk about?" 

"I don't think...I mean we...I just" Connor kept stopping and starting over and Daria had seen enough movies to know what was coming, but it still hurt when he finally paused, took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes and said "I'm sorry, but I don't think we should see each other anymore." 

She had tried to find out why. She had asked him over and over again what had happened, but he just kept saying he was sorry, but that he wasn't right for her. When she finally left, it was with no real answers and no understanding of why her boyfriend had broken up with her.

Daria had gone to see Taylor straight from the hospital and cried with her about the whole thing. She really wanted to blame Taylor for her stupid idea to break in and steal her dad's liquor, but she knew Taylor was already feeling bad enough. But she had needed someone to cry with and Taylor was her best friend.

After about an hour of listening to Daria talk about Connor, Taylor waited till she had quieted down and asked her the question that nearly knocked Daria over. "Daria" she started off quietly, "how well do you actually know Connor? I mean really know him. I mean, we all know you two made out and all, but what do you know about him, really?" 

Daria was upset by the question, Connor was her boyfriend! They had talked all the time on the phone, at lunch, between classes, she knew him! 

"Seriously," Taylor said, "tell me specifically what you know about Connor." Daria tried to list all the things that she knew about Connor, but it became clear very quickly that not only did Daria not know a lot of details about Connor, but what she did know was not much more than anyone at school wouldn't also know. She had been at the same school with Connor for three years so she knew of him, but until she had asked him to be her partner in science class, they had never really talked.

Now, looking back, Daria thought about all of their conversations and she realized that they were all about her, which normally she likes, but the realization had hit her that she didn't really know Connor at all. He didn't talk about himself, his family, or what was important to him, he had always steered the conversation back to her. She didn't know his favorite movie or music or even his favorite color.

They had talked about her likes and dreams, but never his. Sitting in Taylor's room, she had realized that he had simply never opened his heart to her. She wondered why, what did she do or not do, was she a bad girlfriend, not able to make him happy, what did she do to mess up her first real boyfriend? It had never occurred to her that his heart belonged to another. 

Yesterday she had tried again, "Can you just tell me one thing" she had tried again when she and Taylor had seen Connor after coming from the working on the decorations for the party. She had asked Connor, no crying or yelling or anger, she was really trying to be adult-like: "Why? Why would you break up with me?" 

She looked at Connor for any kind of answer, a sign or something to give her some closure, but while he did look at her, he didn't say anything. She couldn't see anything but sadness in his face, he had all these walls up and she knew that she was not going to get the answers she needed. "You know what...forget it okay" and she walked off. If Connor Stevens couldn't even be honest with her, maybe it really was him, but it still hurt thinking she could have done more.

**BACK TO THE BEACH PARTY**

Now all the pieces dropped in place at once and this huge weight came off of her. 

"I knew it wasn't me" Daria said feeling an overwhelming sense of relief. If Connor is gay, then nothing she did or could do would ever change that. Her favorite uncle, Patrick, was gay and she loved him sooo much. He would tease her about being so pretty and how "almost" all the boys would be fighting for her attention. When she had asked him why only "almost all the boys" he had told her, "don't worry about those boys, Daria, they, like me, aren't interested in girls, no matter how beautiful they are. But we do make amazing friends!" If Connor was gay, then he was never going to be in to her and she never had a chance in the first place.

"Shut up Daria" Taylor said getting up and heading for the boys. "What's wrong with her?" Daria thought, "she looks more upset than I am and I just had my ex-boyfriend come out as gay to the whole school!" Daria got up and headed after Taylor to figure out what was going on. She saw Jude turn to Connor and his face was torn up.

"I thought we weren't going to say anything" Jude's voice was filled with hurt as he was looking at Connor. Connor didn't respond, in fact he seemed overwhelmed. Once second he was confronting Logan all superhero-like and the next he had started to shrink from Jude's accusation.

"Don't be mad at Connor" Taylor said to both boys "it wasn't him." They both turned to look at Taylor, confusion in their faces. "It was me."

Jude looked at Taylor in shock, trying to process how and why his friend would betray him like that.

"What" Connor said for both of them while Jude continued to try and understand what had just happened to change his entire life.

"I thought I was helping." Taylor turned towards Connor "I thought you were the one who didn't want to come out. So I figured no one was going to care." It wasn't supposed to be this way, Taylor thought, this plan was supposed to make it easier on both of you.

Jude's face however, was flashing through his emotions: anger, confusion, hurt. How could she do this to us? To me? Connor couldn't look at Taylor and he was afraid to look at Jude, he could feel his boyfriend shutting down and his emotions starting to boil over.

Daria just looked at Taylor, disappointment clearly written all over her face. Taylor had always teased Daria that in their friendship, she was the smart one and Daria was the pretty one. Daria had always played along, but "God Taylor" she thought, "how could you be so stupid. You don't do that to someone."

But Taylor was her friend, so she tried to help out, she turned towards Jude and Connor and seeing how hurt they were, she tried to make it better. After all, if she could accept them, and of all people she had the most right to be angry, then it shouldn't matter to anyone else.

"It's not like anyone cares that you're gay" she started saying, wanting them to know that she could support them, but Jude exploded and totally caught her off guard.

"I'm not gay, okay" Jude interrupted and then he turned and walked off.

"Wait Jude. Jude!" Connor tried to stop him but Jude either wasn't listening or wasn't having it, and he walked off into the crowd and was out of sight in seconds. 

Daria looked at Taylor, confusion written all over her face. "Okay, now I am really confused" Daria said looking at Taylor. 

She turned to Connor. "Are you gay or not? Are you with Jude? What is going on? Connor, now can you please explain what happened?"

Connor wanted to go after Jude, but he knew that Jude was not going to be ready to talk to him right now. He was too upset and one thing Connor had learned, and it had taken him several times to learn it, is that he couldn't make Jude talk till he was ready. And while they always seemed to be able to talk about everything to each other eventually, both of them were stubborn and could need time to process things when something bad happened, and pushing too hard would only make it worse. 

Besides, there was no way Connor could catch up with Jude on crutches. 

Connor knew he had three problems to deal with: Jude, Daria, and Taylor. He couldn't fix the problem with Jude yet, but he could deal with the other two. Connor turned back to Daria and Taylor. 

Daria was looking at him, but at least she didn't seem angry, she really just looked confused and curious. Taylor, however, looked guilty as hell and knew that she had royally screwed up. Connor sighed, he wanted to find Jude, but he owed Daria an explanation and he wanted to have some words with Taylor and her decision to out them to the school so he stayed.

"Okay, I do owe you a real explanation Daria. And Taylor, we are going to talk as well about this, but first I need to get off these crutches and sit down, and then we can talk. Then, you two are going to help me find Jude so I can figure out whether or not I still have a boyfriend."


	3. Taylor's Story

Connor looked at the two girls and knew that he didn't want to talk here on the beach where anyone could hear them. He wanted to be comfortable, and to be honest, he needed to sit down - his foot was starting to hurt, and he also needed some privacy to say what he wanted to say and he couldn't get that on the crowded beach. "Let's go sit at our table up by the school." He told them and turned and started to make his way back towards the school and the table where they all had eaten lunch together so many times before, moving much slower than before as he realized with a pang that he didn't have Jude there to steady him if he fell. 

"Let us get our stuff and we will be right there," Taylor said to Connor as he left.

Daria and Taylor watched Connor start off and they turned back to their blanket and supplies. Taylor started gathering their stuff up but Daria had stopped and was just watching her friend with her arms crossed, trying really hard to avoid saying what was on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to yell at Taylor, even to scream, but she was not going to do that here in front of everyone. She was, however, unable to contain the sound of dissatisfaction that escaped her.

"Please don't" Taylor said. She had stopped putting things together, but would not even look at Daria. "I feel bad enough, I can't deal with much more. I am so sorry for how this happened, but..." she didn't seem able to finish.

"Why?" Daria said "Taylor, why didn't you tell me? You tell the whole school about them, about my boyfriend, well my ex, but why not me? You knew how upset I was when Connor broke up with me, why didn't you tell me if you knew?"

Taylor looked up at Daria, her eyes shining from the tears that she was holding back, "I didn't know, not totally. I started to think that Jude had a crush on Connor a while back but I only confronted him about it after TP-ing Brooklyn's house."

"What do you mean you confronted him about it?" Daria asked as she knelt down next to Taylor to help with the pack up.

"I tried to kiss him" Taylor whispered. Daria's eyes got bigger and she started to smile but then stopped "what do you mean you tried?"

"I leaned in, but he pulled back. He tried to apologize, but it was the final piece. I had seen how he was when he was around you two and though I knew you were trying to set us up, he never seemed interested in me. At first I thought maybe he was just really shy. I had thought that Connor was just being nice to a shy kid, that he was cool about being friends with someone who wasn't like him you know? Jude was quiet and reserved, not athletic or popular. I couldn't figure out why they were friends, so I thought that it was just that Connor was just a good guy." Taylor looked at Daria and saw recognition and agreement with what she was saying.

"But then I started noticing something." Taylor continued. 

"What" Daria asked? 

"Whenever anyone would come up with an idea to do something, or a plan would come up or there was a discussion about eating together, going to the fair, or whatever, Connor would always look at Jude to see if it was okay. He was always making sure that Jude was okay with the idea or plan before committing to it. He would try to convince Jude sometimes, but it seemed that he was always looking to see if it was okay. I started to think that maybe it wasn't that Connor was being nice to Jude, but that he was really looking for Jude's approval."

"I could have told you that," Daria replied surprising Taylor. Seeing the look on her face, Daria continued "I figured out really quickly that Connor and Jude were a package deal, but I just figured they were best friends. I learned quickly that when Jude was mad at Connor, it really bothered him. He didn't want to have to choose between us so I was very careful to never try and force him to choose. I think I knew even then that if I did, he wouldn't choose me."

Taylor looked at Daria and admitted to herself that she was surprised. She didn't think Daria was that observant, but it appeared that her friend was a lot more aware than she realized.

Taylor continued, "So when Jude pulled away when I tried to kiss him, I realized that was it. That Jude was crushing on Connor and I felt so bad for him. He had this crush on his best friend and Connor probably didn't even know why they were not getting along or fighting. I figured that Connor was probably totally oblivious to Jude's feelings, especially since you two were doing the whole PDA thing all the time and that was why when Jude said he was going to go home after we left Brooklyn's that I made the suggestion to go to my house and get my dad's booze so that we could get drunk and make out." 

"I don't get it" Daria asked.

Taylor wouldn't look at Daria, but whispered "I figured if Connor got drunk enough, maybe he and Jude..." she trailed off and looked even guiltier than before.

"You were trying to get them together?!!?" Daria whisper yelled. "Oh my god Taylor. Why?"

"I don't know! I just felt so bad for Jude and thought that maybe it would allow him to be able to kiss his crush and no one would really care because we had been drinking" she explained.

"And instead Connor gets shot and he breaks up with me" Daria said looking really disappointed in her.

"I know. I know. You don't think I feel horrible about it?" Taylor looked even more upset, "Jude came up to me the next day and told me that Connor had blamed everything on Jude – the drinking, the sneaking out, everything."

"WHAT?!" Daria yells, drawing the attention of several of their nearby classmates. Much quieter she continued "why would he do that?"

"I don't know, but Jude asked me to ask Connor why he did that when I told him that my dad and I were going to the hospital to apologize for the shooting. We went there after school and my dad was outside Connor's room talking to his dad and apologizing. He was really messed up by it, he even told the police that he didn't want the gun back and to destroy it. I went in to see Connor and he just looked so sad and worn out. He was so pale and, I don't know, he looked beaten. Connor always looked like a puppy, so happy and go lucky, but seeing him there was heart breaking. I told him how I was sorry for what had happened and he just said that it was okay and that he didn't blame me. I just stood there for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything when he finally looked at me and asked if I had talked to Jude. I told him that I had. He asked me how he was doing and if he was okay. I asked him why he didn't just call or text Jude and he told me that his dad had taken his phone."

**Flashback to the hospital**

"Can I borrow your phone" Connor asks Taylor, "just for a minute?" Taylor still doesn't get why his dad took his phone but says sure and watches Connor pull up Jude's contact info to send him a message. He stops and looks at Taylor and says, "um...could you give me a second?"

"Sure" Taylor says and moves over to the window and looks out. Why did he want me to step away? She remembered that Jude wanted her to ask about why Connor told his dad everything was Jude's idea, especially since it wasn't, but he was already typing away. 

It wasn't even a minute when she heard him yell out "What? But I didn't..."Taylor looked back at Connor, his face frowning as he typed. Connor's emotions racing across his face as he held her phone. All of sudden he took a deep breath and after pausing for a few seconds, he seemed to be debating on whether to finish, he hit a button. Send? 

He then looked at Taylor and didn't say anything but she could tell he was thinking really hard. He then looked down and did something with the phone for the next few seconds before looking back at her and handing her the phone. "Thank you"

"Sure," Taylor replied. Connor leaned back and gave a big sigh. At that point her dad came in with Mr. Stevens. He apologized to Connor several times and Connor said it was okay and he apologized for their coming in the house in the first place. All of sudden it got quiet and then they were leaving. As they got in the elevator, Taylor pulled up her phone to check the messages, but when she pulled up Jude's info, there were no messages from today. Connor had erased the texts before he had given her back the phone.

**Back to the beach party**

They had finished packing up their stuff and had started back towards the school. "So did you ever ask him about why he told his dad it was Jude's idea" Daria asked? 

"No," Taylor replied "to be honest I kind of forgot it. I was trying to figure out why Connor felt the need to delete the texts. I mean I guessed they were not too macho or something, but that didn't really explain things." She paused as they continued walking towards the table and saw Connor starting to sit down. 

"I think that was when I began to wonder whether the Jude's crush was as one-sided as I had thought." Daria looks at her friend and realized that Taylor might seem all cool and confident about herself, seeing herself as the smartest person they know, but in truth she isn't always right and this time, Taylor really screwed up. She might have cost the both of them the chance to be friends with Jude and Connor and she knew from personal experience, having a good friend is worth a lot.

Connor watched the girls approach and sit down at the table, glad that he was able to finally sit down and even more glad that there was no one around them to hear their conversation. Taking a deep breath, Connor looked at them and said "Okay, so where do we start?"


	4. Confessions

"Ok, so where do we start?" Connor said looking at the girls. To be honest, he was scared, scared of what they were going to say and even of what he would say, but he knew that the air needed to be cleared, he owed Daria that, and he was really tired of having to fight to keep things inside. He just wanted to be himself now. He had spent so much time trying to be the guy that others wanted him to be – the jock for his friends on the soccer and baseball teams, the perfect son for his father, the popular boyfriend for Daria... the only person who had ever just wanted him to be happy, to be himself, was Jude. He so badly wanted to find him and talk to him, but he knew it would be a mistake right now. Now, he was going to take care of this.

"Um," Daria started to say when she realized that Taylor was not going to say anything yet, "I am still confused. It sounded like you said to Logan that you and Jude were together and were gay, but Jude said he wasn't gay. Does that mean that you are and he isn't? I mean," Daria struggled to find the words to ask Connor "what are you?"

Connor looked at her and gave a partial smile "A person."

"No, that came out wrong" Daria was so embarrassed "that's not what I meant to say. This should not be this hard to talk about. How about this...why did you break up with me?"

Connor took a deep breath and thought carefully about what he wanted to say. Organizing his thoughts he looked at Daria and said "I broke up with you when I realized that I couldn't go on pretending that I wasn't gay. I had known it, but I didn't want to admit it, especially not to my dad – he was not accepting of me even having gay friends let alone me being gay. But after getting shot, I decided that I wasn't going to live my life according to someone else's idea of who I should be. I was going to be honest with myself and those closest to me. That meant that I had to stop pretending to like girls."

"The second reason was that I liked someone else, and I knew I was treating both of you wrong by lying to you and to him" Connor finished.

"You mean Jude" Daria said feeling much calmer than she would have believed possible. "The two of you wanted to be together."

"No. I said I wanted to be with Jude, I didn't say how he felt" Connor replied.

"Come on Connor," Daria replied "it's pretty obvious that Jude is the one you liked and that he liked you back."

Connor looked at Daria and then took a few moments to look at Taylor who was watching them closely as well as listening carefully before he replied. "No. I am not willing to discuss anything that Jude said, did, thought, or felt. That is his story to tell, not mine. Daria, I will answer any question you want about me and what I did, but not about him. I have caused him a lot of pain and grief with my decisions and actions and I am done hurting Jude. Until or unless he gives me permission, I don't speak on his behalf."

Daria and Taylor turned to look at each other silently before looking back at Connor. They could see the determination in how his face was set. He wasn't kidding. 

"Wow, you really do have it bad for him," Taylor whispered, "I thought that you guys were just fooling around maybe or something, but you really care for him, don't you?"

"More than you know" Connor replied. The girls could tell that he wanted to say more, but he was holding back all the words about Jude that he wanted to share. But he had made his choice, he wasn't going to speak about their relationship without Jude's okay.

"Okay," Daria said carefully, "I can accept that limitation. You did say that you would answer any question I asked about you?"

"Yes"

"Did you ever have feelings for me?" Daria asked, "Did you ever think that we could be together?"

Connor closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he had really hoped that Daria would not ask this question, at least not to start with. Opening his eyes, he looked at the two girls before focusing on Daria "No."

Daria had known what his answer was going to be, she knew it after Taylor's story and the scene on the beach, but knowing it was different from hearing it from Connor himself. It hurt to hear him say it. That he never had feelings for her, that all the time she thought about them being together and doing stuff together, wasn't real. "Then why" she couldn't quite keep the catch from her voice "why did you agree to go out with me? To be my partner in science class? To kiss me?"

Connor winced with each question, but he took the blows willingly knowing that he had truly hurt Daria by his actions and that he did deserve her anger and recriminations. "I know it won't help Daria, but I truly am sorry for what I did. I was falling for Jude pretty hard and it scared me, it scared me a lot. I had not had those feelings before and to have them for him was almost more than I could bear."

"Then there was my dad. He had already banned me from seeing Jude when he only thought Jude was gay, what would happen if he found out that I was gay and had feelings for Jude. I figured if I had a girlfriend, then my dad would be okay with Jude and I hanging out again."

"Also, it was a crazy coincidence of timing," Connor said. "I had a big fight with Jude the day before you asked me to be your lab partner. I was so mad at him that I wanted to put some space between us and though it kills me to say it, I think I also wanted to hurt him for what happened. You asking me out seemed perfect. A hot girl as a girlfriend would make my dad happy and then I could finally have my friend back as well. I really thought at the time it was a good plan, but honestly, it was the worst. I hurt you by lying to you about wanting to date you. I hurt Jude by kissing you. And, to be honest, I hurt myself because I was not being the person I wanted to be."

Though she tried not to, Daria did smile a little when Connor called her "hot", I mean he is gay, but still, a compliment is always appreciated. Maybe more since he isn't just saying that to date her or get her to do something, he can be really honest.

"Um, can I ask a question?" Taylor said joining the discussion. "I know that this is about the two of you, but..."

Connor looked at Taylor for a moment and then back at Daria. It seemed that she was still processing what Connor had said so he replied "Not going to promise you an answer, but you can ask."

"You mentioned that you and Jude had had a fight before Daria asked you out. You also talked about your dad thinking Jude was gay and banning you from seeing him" Taylor asked.

"Yes"

"But how did all this happen? Why did your dad think that about Jude? What did you fight over? I know you said you won't tell Jude's story, but can you tell us yours?" Taylor rarely fumbled her words, but this time she didn't seem to be getting them right. "I mean you said you knew when you agreed to go out with Daria that you were gay, or at least thought you were, but you didn't say that you went out with her to try and prove to yourself that you weren't gay. It didn't sound like you were trying to deny who you were, but that you were hiding it. I am sorry, this isn't sounding right."

"No, I think I get it," Daria said "it doesn't sound like you were confused about your feelings. It sounds like you deliberately used me to get others to think you were straight."

"It's called being a 'beard' I think," Taylor said "when someone dates someone of the opposite sex so that others think that they are straight."

Connor looked at both of them and while he was not enjoying this, they did have a legit point. "I think that is probably a fair description of it."

"Okay, I think that now I am mad." Daria said strangely calm. "I think I could deal with being a test girlfriend for someone who was not sure and hoping to be straight. I think I could deal with dating a guy who likes both girls and guys, I think. But being used to hide behind, that I don't like."

"You should be mad" Connor told her "I was a horrible person to you and to Jude. I wish I could say that my reasons justify things, but to be honest, I was a coward. I didn't want to stand up to my dad. If it had been just the kids at school, I think I would have been okay, but my dad...I just couldn't do it."

Taylor watched her two friends. Daria was obviously unhappy with Connor's confession and Connor was definitely miserable, but they needed to do something to get back on the same page. "Connor, why don't you start at the beginning? Tell us your story, however you want to, and help us to understand you and why you made the decisions you did."

Taylor looked at Daria and saw her looking back with a less than happy expression. "Daria, don't you want to know why he did what he did? Not just the short answers he just gave us, but what was driving those decisions" Taylor asked. "One thing that we had always agreed on and that everyone knows is that Connor was, is, a good guy. I want to know what made him react this way."

Daria looked at her friend and did understand what she was saying. Connor had always been known as a friendly, outgoing, and all around good guy. That was one of the reasons she decided to ask to be his partner and was planning on being his girlfriend. He was good looking of course, but he was a really good guy, especially compared to the other guys in their grade. What he did just didn't seem like the boy they knew. 

Suddenly she remembered when Taylor asked her what she really knew about Connor and she could not answer. Maybe now she could understand him better." Taylor's right Connor," Daria said feeling much calmer than she had been a few minutes before. "I do want to understand you better. You never opened up to me when we were dating, and when we broke up I realized that I didn't really know you. I know now that you were protecting yourself, that you were trying to keep me at a safe distance, emotionally, but now that we are not pretending, maybe we can be your friends. Talk to us."

Connor looked at the two of them, their faces both honest and caring. He was ready. Ready to talk about almost everything and here were two friends offering to listen." You might think it started with Jude, but honestly, it didn't. It actually started earlier than that, much earlier." Connor began.


	5. Connor B.J. (Before Jude)

"I am not sure when exactly I noticed that my dad had an issue with anything that could be considered feminine or girly because it didn't seem to come up." Connor began "I remember always doing a lot with my dad; fishing, playing catch, hiking, well really any kind of physical activity. Dad worked a lot, but he always had time for me. As I got older, he got me involved with baseball and I decided that I wanted to play soccer as well. I'm not sure exactly how he felt about that. He didn't seem to like soccer as much as baseball, but he was supportive, but I don't think it was the same." Connor looked up at the girls as he tried to explain.

"You see, my dad played baseball when he was a kid. Played it all through high school and even in college. But he wasn't good enough to play professionally. I always wondered if the reason he was always pushing me to play was that he wanted me to be able to do what he couldn't." Connor sighed and looked around, just in case Jude might be where he could spot him. "It wasn't bad or anything, I mean I really liked sports and the stuff we did and while he could be pretty intense about it, I kinda was too. I wanted to be the best player, I wanted to win, but I think the biggest difference was that when we didn't win, it didn't really upset me. I enjoyed playing, and I liked to win, but just being on the team, trying hard, knowing that I did my best, was enough. But it wasn't for my dad."

"What do you mean" Daria asked?

"If I made a mistake or did something wrong, then my dad would want to drill over and over again until I got it down right." 

"That doesn't sound fun" Taylor said

"Actually," Connor replied, "It wasn't really that bad. I mean, that is what our coaches did. We drilled and practiced until we had mastered skills and techniques. If we messed up, we had to work to be better. The more you played and practiced something, the better you got. And its not like I didn't enjoy getting better at things. But sometime in sixth grade, things started changing. It seemed that my dad was less happy with what I could do and more upset when I messed up or someone was better. Before he was always proud when I did something, but now his entire focus was on my faults. It was getting less like fun, and more like a chore or something I had to do."

"I think that is why I started enjoying soccer more than baseball because my dad wasn't as invested in it and the whole team had to work as a whole to make us win. Baseball seemed more, I don't know, lonely. You were on a team, but when you were at bat, you were on your own. It just was different. But outside of sports, going fishing or hiking was still really fun with him and he even helped me set up a gym routine so I could work out and get stronger. The only thing we didn't really do was hunting and that was because my mom wouldn't allow it. That was one time she really fought with my dad. But honestly, I didn't really like the idea of killing anything, so it wasn't much of a loss."

"So, it sounds like he was actually okay" Daria said, "I guess I thought it was all bad based on what I had heard."

"No, it wasn't all bad," Connor replied. "I mean he was tough, but he's my dad and I love him. I want him to be proud of me. I was willing to do the things he liked because I knew he wanted me to do them. When we did good, man he was so happy and proud. But when things changed and I wanted to do other things, you know, be myself and not a smaller version of him, that's when we started having problems. It felt like I was being forced to wear someone else's clothes - they didn't fit me or feel right, but I couldn't really explain why."

"Things got worse with the divorce. When my mom and dad decided to split up, I was going back and forth between them. Mom was working hard and it was in seventh grade, actually not too long after I met Jude, that she got a big promotion. It started that they just wanted her to travel more, so I was spending more time at my dad's than before and then she got a really good offer to get an even better job. The problem was that it was in Hong Kong."

"You were going to move to Hong Kong" Daria asked? "What does your mom do?"

"Something with banking, I don't really know, and no, I don't think it was ever the plan for me to go. I mean I think that she would have taken me if I had really wanted to, but this is my home. My friends were here, my school, dad, and..." Connor paused and after a moment "and Jude. When my mom told me about the job, I asked what was going to happen to me. She said that her and my dad had talked and they decided that I would stay with my dad full time. I wasn't too upset as I didn't want to go, but it kind of bothered me a little that she didn't want me there."

"Why do you say that Con" Taylor asked? "She's your mom, obviously she would want you to go with her."

"I know that up here" Connor said pointing to his head, "but it still hurt a little. But I know the truth was that her job would make it really hard. Just because she was moving to Hong Kong, didn't mean that she would be traveling less. She was, still is really, traveling all the time. I know she didn't want to leave me alone in a foreign country where I didn't know anyone, didn't speak the language, and had no one there. Staying with dad was the right choice, it took me a bit to get that, but I really do."

"But her moving meant that I was with dad full time now and the pressure to be perfect just kept getting worse. I think that my dad had a really hard time with the divorce and that mom seemed to be doing better without him than she did with him" Connor mused. "I guess with his marriage ended, the only thing my dad had was work and me, so I got all of his attention and it wasn't easy."

"Maybe he was scared," Taylor began "that people were judging him too? He wasn't successful as a husband, so he had to be the super dad and people would know that he was if his son was a star."

Connor had forgotten how smart Taylor really was, and while he was not ready to forget how bad she messed up with him and Jude, he thought that this time she was on to something. His dad went from a family man with a good job, a wife with a good job, and a popular athlete for a son to a divorced man with a gay son that he didn't understand. Maybe it was too much for him to handle all at once and he reacted badly towards his son, the only thing in his life he could control. But he couldn't control me Connor thought, he raised me to be independent, strong, and not be pushed around. I bet he was really surprised when I finally pushed back.

"Wait a minute," Daria interrupted, "is that why your mom didn't come see you when you were shot" 

"Yeah" Connor replied. "Dad tried to reach her when it happened, but she was traveling. By the time he finally talked to her I was already out of the hospital and out of real danger. I got to talk to her when I was home and she was really mad at me being so stupid, but then I told her everything. I told her that I was gay and about Jude and the problems I had been having with dad and it really helped. I think she talked with dad about all those things for a long time after that, at least I think they did. Dad seemed to really be trying to deal with me better after they talked."

"Do you get to see her" Taylor asked?

"We talk via email fairly regularly and we Facetime once in a while and she comes to the states every couple of months on business and always stops in to see me, so I do, just not like before" Connor said.

"However, all of that stuff was still in the future. At the start of 7th grade mom and dad were going through the divorce, I was staying with both of them, but things were actually pretty okay. I mean I was playing soccer with my team, I was doing good in classes, and I was working with my dad on improving my batting for baseball season. He had even said that we could go fishing out at sea on a friend's boat that year. We had only fished in lakes before and I was really excited about it. I mean we had gone out on boats before, lots of times, but I had never been allowed to go on one of my dad's ocean fishing trips before."

"Classes were going fine, but it seemed that all the guys I knew were all talking about girls all of a sudden. They were talking about getting girlfriends and kissing and who was prettiest in our class and stuff like that" Connor shared.

"Um...so who did everyone think was the prettiest," Daria asked trying unsuccessfully to not sound interested in the answer. Connor looked at her and tried not to smile, an effort made even more difficult as he caught Taylor rolling her eyes at Daria to the side. "Don't worry D, you were always top 3 on all the guys' lists" Connor replied.

"Oh, I don't care about that stuff, honest" Daria tried to pretend "its not a big...wait, who were the other 2?"

"Anyway" Taylor interrupted "hormones raging among the boys, continue."

Connor smiled at both of them, he was glad that they actually could start acting like friends again. He knew that when Jude calmed down, he would forgive Taylor and he had never blamed Daria for all the problems, he blamed me and rightly so. Jude was able to forgive others and truly meant it, one of the things that Connor loved about his boyfriend...if he was still his boyfriend. Why did he say he wasn't gay?! Was everyone knowing about them really that bad? Did he not want to be with me anymore? Connor's thoughts were running in circles and he knew he needed to break that cycle and think of something else.

Looking up at Taylor and Daria he saw that they were waiting for him to continue.

Taylor saw the pain and uncertainty in his face as he was thinking and she again silently yelled at herself for being so blind and stubborn. She had really thought that she was doing the right thing by forcing the issue but she had never been so wrong before. How was she going to make this up to them?

"So," Connor continued, "everyone was going on about girls, but I didn't feel it. I mean I noticed that girls were pretty and all, but I didn't want to date anyone or go out or do anything. Honestly, I was so focused on school and sports, I didn't really think about anyone that way but I would join in with the guys when they talked, but it was really just agreeing with what they said. I know that working out with my dad had given me more muscles than most of my classmates, but in other ways I felt like I was younger than them." Connor paused and thought about that day in school, the day everything changed.

"But then, everything changed" he told them.

**Flashback**

Connor was sitting in math class talking to Zach and Tommy. Zach was going on about the new game system that his parents had just bought him, bragging about all his stuff as usual. Connor was really tired of Zach's bragging, but the other guys always seemed to eat it up. Zach was moving on to some other thing he got or something when Connor looked up and saw a new face he didn't recognize enter the classroom and go up to Ms. Davis. Looks like we are getting a new student, he thought, but then the kid turned and looked at the class and Connor had a sudden shock. It was impossible to describe this feeling, it was not like he knew this guy because he didn't. But somehow he knew he would. Who was he?

"Class," Ms. Davis called the room to attention, "I want everyone to meet our new student, Jude Jacob. Jude is joining us so please make him feel welcome. Jude why don't you take that empty spot." Ms. Davis pointed to an empty desk two seats from Connor who was watching the new boy move to his seat with his regular smile on his face.

**Back to the Beach Party**

"And that was how I met Jude" Connor told them. 

"Love at first sight" Taylor asked with a small smile? Daria didn't look quite as happy at Taylor's comment, but Connor could tell she was curious.

"No, I don't think so, I mean I didn't immediately think he should be my boyfriend or anything like that" Connor replied. "It was more like I knew that he was going to be important to me, but not exactly why. But he definitely made an impression. I can still remember it perfectly...he was wearing jeans, this faded gray and red striped shirt, and he had this terrible haircut, but also the nicest smile - it seemed that the whole room lit up when he smiled, and he was strapped into this blue/green backpack that was almost as big as he was." Connor was smiling at the memory of Jude on that first day, remembering how he didn't look lost or confused or anything, he actually just looked happy to be there.

Taylor and Daria watched Connor as he was remembering and saw the smile that touched not only his face but his eyes and they looked at each other. Neither one of them truly believed Connor's denial...he had been caught by Jude on that first day, even if neither boy knew it.


	6. The Beginning

"I didn't talk to Jude in math that first day, I don't think he really talked to anyone" Connor said. "I did watch him in math class and he seemed to be listening to the teacher, but honestly we were starting a new section so I was paying attention. I like math, so when we do something new, I tend to pay attention so I was focusing more on the work than anything else. Though I do admit I did sneak a look at Jude a couple more times during class - mostly to try and figure him out. You know why he moved here, what he liked, that kind of stuff."

"Uh-huh" Taylor smiled "just typical boy stuff." Daria didn't quite snort, but it definitely wasn't as ladylike as she preferred though she was still smiling when Connor looked at her with a "how could you" look on his face.

"Sorry" Daria said, "but really? Don't think most guys our age would have done that."

"Are you a guy? How do you know what we do" Connor asked them? "It is totally normal guy stuff." But even he could not keep the ends of his mouth from curling up in a small smile as he said it. He knew that none of his friends at that time would have thought that, but believing it was normal behavior was almost a reflex. It was tough to admit it, even now. Looking at the girls, he saw both of them giving him the "look". "Fine, it wasn't. But at the time, I believed it was and told myself that it was totally normal. I told myself that about a lot of stuff" he said softy.

Taylor once again felt for her friend. She prided herself on her intelligence and ability to see others as they truly were and while she may have correctly seen the connection between Jude and Connor, she was starting to realize that she had really misjudged Connor in general. If she had known him better, would she have still made that stupid decision?

"After math I went to my next class" Connor continued "heading out with the guys, as we were going to history class. I did watch Jude but he was still packing up when we left, so I didn't think much about it. I don't remember seeing him at lunch that first day, so I don't know what he did but I do remember looking to see if he was going to be in any of my other classes. And when I was going to science, I saw him walking in the hall towards my class. I decided to say something."

**Flashback to Jude's first day at Anchor Beach**

Connor saw the new kid, Jude, looking at the paper in his hand and looking at rooms as everyone moved between the halls as they headed for their next class. He figured that he was lost and Connor decided to help out. "Hi!" Connor said coming up to the shorter boy who looked up at Connor with a nervous, slightly scared expression. Connor was surprised, the smiling boy who he saw in class was gone and this one looked like he expected Connor to hit him. "I'm Connor - you were in my math class this morning, you're new right?" Connor smiled at the other boy "how's your first day going?"

"It's okay" the brown hair boy "but I am not sure where my next class is."

"Let me see" Connor leans over and looks at the paper in Jude's hand and sees that Jude's next class is science - the same as him! "Hey you're in my science class - c'mon I'll show you the way." Connor smiles at the smaller boy standing next to him and is rewarded by that shy smile. "Thanks" Jude replies.

They boys walk along the hallway to class and Connor looks at Jude "So did you just move to San Diego or what?"

He notices the sudden change in Jude's shoulders as they slump down and he lowers his head and looks at his feet "Uh, no. I have been here for a while."

"Really, sorry I just assumed since you started after school had started that you must have just moved here" Connor replied.

"Actually I am a foster kid. My sister and I just got placed with a new family so I got moved to this school."

Connor was stunned, not just by what he said, Connor had never met someone who was a foster kid before, but by how matter of fact Jude was when he said it. It seemed that he had said it so many times before that it had lost all meaning for him.

"How long do you stay with your new family?" Connor looks at Jude and sees that he appears to be even more unhappy "I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel bad..." he starts.

"It's not that" Jude replies "I just don't know. Some families we have stayed with for a few weeks, some longer, but nothing permanent. Kinda hard to get to know a school or friends when you can move at any time."

"Well, hey" Connor smiling again says to Jude "I can be your friend, for as long as you are here. If you want."

Jude looked up at Connor and saw his open and warm smile. He wasn't like so many others who treated him badly because he was a foster kid. He seemed really nice. "Thanks" Jude said.

"Here we are," Connor said as they entered the classroom. Connor went up with Jude to the teacher and introduced him to her before going to his seat. After introducing Jude to the class, he was assigned a spot two behind Connor in the next row. After that class started and Connor focused on the material - like math, he enjoyed science.

**Back to the Beach**

"I didn't know you two met his first day" Daria said. "I mean normally new kids take a bit of time to find friends and fit in. Why did you want to be his friend so fast, it's not like he was anything like you?"

Connor was quiet and considered Daria's question carefully. "I am not sure I can explain it. I really liked that he was not like the guys on the soccer or baseball teams. He was not like the other guys in our grade...it just seemed like he was a good guy. I can't explain it any better than that."

Taylor determined right then that it was time to toss her version of who Connor was. He just didn't fit the jock boy, popular, BMOC type anymore. I mean he had already lost the "ladies man" label, but most people, herself included, had readily identified, classified, and put Connor Stevens in the appropriate middle school clique box and didn't think about it again. But Connor didn't fit in that box and he wasn't going to allow them to do that anymore. 

He wasn't what others thought he was and like a light going off in her head, Taylor realized why him and Jude worked. Jude didn't see Connor the way everyone else did, Jude saw beyond that to the real Connor and he not only accepted him, but liked the real him. For someone who had lived his life by doing things that others told him to do, and he did in order to please them, Connor had found someone who didn't care if he was good in sports or was popular or was the guy all the girls liked...Jude just liked him, period. And that meant that he could finally be himself and that must have been a huge relief for him.

Connor was watching Taylor as she was thinking, but he couldn't figure out what she was thinking, but he knew that she was. She had started smiling at the end, but not the kind of smile that caused him to worry, not like the night he was shot. Suddenly he had a flash of insight!

"Taylor" Connor yelled snapping her out of her thoughts. "What?" "The night I got shot you talked about getting drunk and making out...who were you talking about?" Connor was not going to break eye contact with the girl across the table from him.

"What...what do you mean?" Taylor stammered, trying to think of a way out of what was about to come out.

"I remember you wanted us to go get alcohol from your house and get drunk and make out and you looked at Jude when you said it with this sneaky look on your face. At the time, I thought that you were trying to get Jude drunk, but now..."

Taylor tried to avoid Connor, but knew that since he was being so honest, she would have to be as well. "Right before that, when you were gone with Daria...I kissed Jude." Connor's face lost all emotion and the blood drained from his face. "NO!" Taylor yelled quickly, "I mean I tried to kiss him, but he backed away from me."

Connor suddenly found he could breath again. Hearing Taylor say she had kissed Jude was like getting kicked in the stomach, again, but her correction seemed too easy and his doubt must have showed on his face.

"I mean it. I tried to kiss Jude, but he pulled back and started to apologize but I already knew" Taylor explained. "I told him that he had a crush on you. That was when you walked up. So when he suddenly said he was leaving, that's when I got the idea to go get drunk. I knew he wouldn't go for it but I kinda let him think that if you got drunk then maybe he could kiss you and get it out of his system or something and it wouldn't be a big thing since you could blame the alcohol. That way he would have at least gotten the chance to kiss you."

Connor smiled and laughed a bit "I wondered why he changed his mind so fast. When he said he was leaving, I knew he was mad at me, but when you mentioned getting drunk and making out, I figured he had a change of heart and decided to go with us. I didn't realize you were up to something. Of course, there was one major problem with your plan." 

"Oh really, and what was that" Taylor asked? While admittedly getting Connor shot by her dad pretty much proved her plan a bad one, she was rather proud of the idea itself.

"You assumed that Jude and I hadn't already kissed" Connor replied with big smile on his face and a raising of his eyebrows as he looked at Taylor enjoying her expression as she figured out what he was saying, "and you were wrong."


	7. Blue for Jude

Being honest with himself, he REALLY enjoyed the look on Taylor's face as he watched her smiling at her discomfort. 

Taylor all too often wore that smug "I am better" expression around the school and with her friends. And while he admitted that more than often than not, she actually was, he did enjoy knocking her off her pedestal this time. He watched as she opened and closed her mouth several times trying to find something to say but kept failing, and he was finding it funnier each time and he couldn't help how his smile continued to grow. Looking over at Daria however, put the brakes on that.

Daria was neither stunned nor amused, but the look she was giving Connor was...calculating? He could see her trying to fit the pieces of the past together to come up with an answer and the answer she was getting was not one that she liked.

"So..." Daria said looking Connor in the eye "when did this kiss happen...exactly?" Her tone of voice appeared calm and reasonable, but both Connor and Taylor recognized that it was anything but. Connor looked at Taylor who had recovered enough to be looking back and forth between her two friends and trying to decide whether to stay silent or not. Apparently she had actually learned something as this time, she said nothing.

Connor sighed, he really had hoped that Taylor would have said something to deflect this but..."Before we started dating" he said looking at Daria. Her eyes widened and some of the anger faded to be replaced by confusion for a brief moment before Connor finished "and once while we were dating." Connor had broken eye contact between those two statements and had looked down, but now he looked up and saw the emotions on Daria's face, primarily confusion, but also hurt and anger. "I know I said it before, but I do mean it" Connor continued "I am sorry for everything D."

Daria looked away towards the beach trying to figure out her own emotions. She was really confused now. Why did Connor date her at all if he had kissed Jude first? Then he kissed him again while they were dating! She looked back at Connor and the last of her anger drained away. He looked so sad and genuinely sorry and...scared? Why was he scared of? Her? She looked over at Taylor who seemed almost as confused as she was but when Taylor looked back at Connor it was with sadness and sympathy for him.

"Okay" Daria said taking a deep breath "we are getting out of order. I need to think about this later, let's continue with the story. Jude just finished his first day..." she gave Connor the chance to change the subject and to be honest, she wanted to think about anything else for the moment.

"Well, nothing else really happened that day" Connor said smiling at Daria and grateful for the chance to change the conversation "and for the next couple of days. We talked to each other a couple of times, nothing major, just typical stuff. We even ate lunch together after that first day. I had thought for a second about asking Jude to join me and some of the soccer guys at our table, but I didn't and I am still not exactly sure why. I mean I thought Jude was really cool, he was smart and funny and nice, but I don't know if I didn't want him to meet the guys I was friends with because they were so different or if because I didn't want to share any time I had with him with them." Connor paused and thought back to those days. "I think I just liked hanging out with Jude and it didn't even occur to invite others to join us."

"It wasn't long after he arrived that something happened that I regret to this day" Connor said sighing, he wasn't proud of this, but there were going to be some worse moments coming up later, but this one he felt was his biggest failure if he was honest with himself "the day that Jeremy and Blake bullied Jude."

"Wait, what?" Taylor said "I don't know about this one – what happened?"

Connor closed his eyes and thought back to that day. 

**FLASHBACK**

Jude was wearing a light blue striped shirt and jacket and he and Connor were coming out of math class together as Connor was telling him about the ocean fishing he did with his dad that weekend. Connor had noticed the blue nail polish that Jude was wearing, but he had also noticed that Jude was not making a big deal of it so he didn't want to say anything about it either. He did think it was kinda cool that Jude was confident enough to wear it.

"It was not" Jude said as they walked out of class.

"It was, I swear. It was a 55 pound white sea bass, my dad weighed it. It was crazy big!" Connor said as Jude smiled at him "You fish" Connor asked?

"I've never even been on a boat" Jude replied with a smile.

"How do you grow up with a beach and never get on a boat? You have to come the next time my dad takes me out" Connor says.

"Really?" Jude smiles at the invitation. "Oh wait, I forgot my book" Connor said and headed back in to the classroom to grab it. He didn't see exactly what had happened next and Jude never told him, but when he came back through the door he saw Jeremy and Blake confronting Jude and he heard something about a bra. 

"Why don't you guys just grow up" Jude said to Jeremy. Jeremy stepped forward, leaning over the smaller boy. "What'd you just say" Jeremy said to Jude menacingly. Jude looked over and saw Connor standing in the door watching the scene play out. He saw Connor shift backwards as people continued to walk in the halls as he watched the scene unfold. For Connor, when he saw the sadness in his face when Jude realized that he was on his own, it was like a physical blow.

"I said...Grow up Idiot" Jude had barely gotten the words out when Jeremy grabbed him and shoved him into the lockers behind them. Blake stepping up to join in. He had just slammed Jude into the lockers a second time when Connor started to step forward to help out when Ms. Williams, their science teacher, came out of her room and say the scene before her.

"What's going on here?" she said seeing Jeremy with his hands wrapped in Jude's jacket pushing him against the lockers and Blake trying to block the view. "Blake, Jeremy, Principal's Office!" Ms. Williams knew exactly what was going on and that behavior was not acceptable at Anchor Beach "now!" 

Connor would never forget the look Jude gave him when Jeremy and Blake left with Ms. Williams. He looked at Connor like he was a drowning man who had just lost hope or of someone who had just lost something irreplaceable combined with a profound disappointment. Jude walked off leaving Connor standing there speechless. Connor had always thought of himself as a good guy, a good friend, who did the right thing, but the only thing he felt in that moment was shame. He had a chance to show his friend that he would be there for him but instead he left him alone to face his tormentors. 

**Back to the Beach**

"Wow Connor, I don't get it" Taylor said after hearing of that day "I mean I understand that you wish you had stepped up faster, but it all happened so fast. Why is that so bad?" Taylor really didn't get it but she was trying to understand. She looked at Daria to see if she had any clue.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too, but I don't see why that was so bad" Daria said. "I mean it was bad what Jeremy and Blake did, they were, and still are, major Jerks! But you didn't really do anything."

"Exactly" Connor said looking down. "I didn't do anything. At the time, I didn't think it was THAT bad, I mean it was a momentary pause, I was going to do something, but I was as surprised by it as much as anything. I had never been bullied by anyone and I had never really been part of or around people who were bullied before and I didn't really get why they were bothering Jude. But as I have gotten to know more of Jude's life before coming to Anchor Beach and everything he went through, the more I realized how badly that I had let him down. I am ashamed of what I didn't do that day. Jude has a long list of people who have hurt him or let him down in his life and I feel that my name was added to that list because of that day. And it wouldn't be the last time I did something to hurt him."

And though he knew that Jude had forgiven him for it, without his every asking, it still sucked that their friendship had started with that blemish.

Taking a deep breath Connor finally looked up at the girls who were strangely silent. Daria looked really unhappy about something but he didn't know what or why, while Taylor was looking at him with pity in her eyes.

"I guess all three of us are on that list, huh" Daria said softly startling Taylor and Connor both. 

"No." Connor said so firmly it caused Daria to look up at him in surprise "Jude never once blamed you D or felt you did anything wrong. It was always me. He blamed me for what I was doing to you both, you were innocent and Jude was as mad about how I was treating you as he was about how I was treating him. He never said anything bad about you, not even once." 

Connor looked at Daria's surprised face as she tried to process his statement. She didn't think that she could feel the same if their positions had been reversed. Even knowing the truth, she had to admit to a small part of her that was holding on to the thought that Jude had "stolen" Connor from her, even though she knew it wasn't true.

"Connor" Taylor said trying to break the awkward silence that had resulted from his heartfelt statement "what did you do to fix that? I mean, I don't recall anytime that you and Jude weren't friends since he arrived and though I didn't know you that well, I mean, you obviously made up."

Connor smiled and debated whether or not to share this with the girls. "I don't know if I want to tell you this part" he said "but I guess I should. There will be one thing that I won't share later, so understand that when that comes up – you have to accept it...Deal?" he said looking at both of them. 

"Deal" Daria said quickly eager to hear the resolution. Taylor was slower to accept. She knew that if Connor was already telling them there would be a story he wouldn't share, it would be one that she would want to know, but to be honest, he was being really open with them, more than she would be in his place. "Okay, Deal" she agreed to his terms knowing that it was going to kill her later but also accepting that it was the right thing to do.

"I went home that night and was trying to figure out some way to apologize for what had happened. I knew that I could say "I'm sorry" and that Jude would say he accepted it, but it wouldn't be real. He would be polite and nice, but the damage to our friendship would still be there, so I needed to do something to show that I supported him all the way."

"While I was thinking about what to do, my dad had called to say he was going to be a bit late and told me to go out and pick up a pizza from the place around the corner. He had called it in and paid for it so I just had to go get it" Connor told the girls. "I walked over the pizza place and as I was walking I saw a Walgreens and decided to go in since I was still early for the pizza and needed to kill some time. As I walked around I noticed a makeup display and that's when it hit me." Connor's smile was big now as he honestly was proud of himself for what he did that day.

"I bought two things. A bottle of blue nail polish and a bottle of polish remover"

Both Daria and Taylor looked at each other and then back to Connor with no comprehension on their faces. "I don't get it" Daria said.  
"Before school" Connor told them "I painted my fingernails blue." He smiled at them. "Then I went to school and made sure to keep my hands hidden as much as possible because I didn't want anyone to see them yet. Then at lunch I went out to the tables and sure enough, I saw Jude sit down at this table all by himself. He had a bag lunch, a sandwich I think, and he still had on his blue nail polish. I had gotten a sub from the cafeteria and I sat my tray down next to him and smiled hello. I didn't say anything and neither did he. He didn't smile back or anything, he just looked back down at his lunch and I knew he was still unhappy about the day before. Then it happened" he paused thinking of that moment.

"WHAT" both girls screamed when Connor's pause went on too long. Connor looked up in shock seeing them leaning forward with their eyes wide and slightly trembling. 

"You know what, never mind, its not important" he teased them

"Connor Stevens so help me..." Taylor growled, yes growled at him "you better tell us..." He laughed at her expression, especially when he saw Daria was not much better.

"Okay, okay, give me a second. Jude was looking down at his lunch, not meeting my eyes at all while he was getting his lunch out and I was waiting with my hands on my sandwich, but not eating yet. Then he saw them...my nails – painted bright blue, just like his. He looked up for a second and I smiled at him before he looked back, I think he was double checking to make sure that he wasn't imagining them. Then he smiled at me. That's it. He just smiled and we didn't really say anything for the rest of lunch but I knew that he understood. That I was sorry and that I would stand by him." Connor was still smiling remembering how sweet Jude's smile was that day, so open and honest, one of the first real "Jude" smiles he had ever gotten.

He looked up at the girls and they had this look on their face. It was like when they were talking about the book that the movie they all went to see as a group was based on, some sappy chick flick book – all kinda weird and mopey and kinda goofy...and to be honest, it was kinda nerve wracking. "What?"

"That's so adorable" Daria cooed "its like the Notebook!" "No" Taylor responded "its better!" Both of them were giggling and laughing and each time they looked over and saw Connor's confused face, it set them off again. "God, THIS would be such an awesome movie!" Taylor said. "I was just thinking that too" Daria agreed! 

Connor just shook his head knowing that the road to come would be a rocky one but secretly agreeing, he loved their story too.


	8. Hey Jude!

The girls continue to smile and obsess over the story for a few minutes, basically ignoring Connor. He sat and smiled remembering that time of his life when he was just getting to know Jude. It was a good time discovering each new thing about each other, but it paled in comparison to what they had now. They had went through so much to get here, and now it seemed that it may have been for nothing. Why had Jude said that he wasn't gay? He had thought they were through with all that drama and difficulty, and even though Jude hadn't wanted to be open at school, he didn't think that there was a chance that they weren't on the same page about how they felt about each other.

"Connor!" Taylor yelled, startling Connor out of his thoughts. "What?" he replied looking at the two girls across from him who were staring at him. "Where did you go" Taylor asked? "We have been trying to get your attention for a while now." Taylor was smiling guessing that he was thinking of Jude.

"Sorry" Connor mumbled "just remembering something."

"So," Daria said slowly "what happened next?"

Connor took a deep breath, "Actually, for a while, not much. I mean we didn't do anything more than talk in class a couple of times and ate lunch together, but not really anything else. I still hung out with other friends and soccer season was picking up so things just kinda didn't change. But then on Friday we had a project assigned in science class. Mrs. Williams assigned us to work on a DNA/RNA project and that meant that we had to find a partner to work with and I knew who it was that I wanted to be my partner."

**FLASHBACK TO SCIENCE CLASS**

"For this project I want you to work in pairs, it will make it easier with two of you" Mrs. Williams says from the front of the room as she hands out the instruction sheets to the class. "So everyone needs to pick a partner."

Connor watched as his classmates all stood up and started moving around the room in order to partner up and plan to work together, but he really only had one person he wanted to work with. Taking a deep breath he turned around to see if he was still there, he was! "Do you have a ..." he started "No" Jude said shyly. "Do you wanna be mine?" Jude just smiled and nodded.

Connor got up and moved to the back of the room to sit next to Jude. "Ok, cool. How bout I come over on Saturday? My mom doesn't like it when kids come over, she says it gives her migraines." He smiles as he thinks of how parents are kinda crazy, but what can you do.

Jude is looking down, not making eye contact, but he nods, "Yeah, okay. I mean, I have to ask, but..." Connor smiles broadly, "okay, well let me know. Connor stands back up and heads back to his seat when Mrs. Williams says "Okay everybody, back in your seats." Connor looked back after a second to see Jude with a very big smile on his face, one the biggest he has ever seen on his face since he met him. 

Connor sits back down and smiles. "This will be fun" Connor thinks as class continues. At the end of class he makes a point of giving Jude his phone number so that he can let him know if they are still on. Jude give him his address and says he will let Connor know once he gets permission.

_After school that afternoon_

Connor was home in his room playing on the PSP game that had bought with his very own money that he had saved from birthdays, holidays, and chores last year, something he was very proud of, when the phone rang. "Connor, telephone" his mom called from downstairs. Putting down his game, Connor came to the kitchen to pick up the phone.

"Hello" he said. "Hi Connor, it's Jude...from science class..." Connor laughed into the phone "I know who you are Jude!" "Right, sorry" Jude said "my moms said it was okay for you to come over tomorrow. What time did you want to come over?" 

"Well, I have a soccer game in the morning, but I can come over after lunch. How does 1pm sound" Connor asked?

"That works" Jude said. Connor confirmed down Jude's address and went to tell his mom about going to Jude's after the game. After that he went up to his room to finish his homework before dinner so he would be able to finish his games before bed.

_Saturday morning_

Connor got up early for breakfast and got dressed for his game. He went down for breakfast, eating for high energy, but nothing to weigh him down during the game, so he was quickly ready to go. 10 minutes later he was riding with his dad as they headed to the soccer field. His dad dropped him off, smiled and told him to have a good game before heading out. He was meeting with some buyer, he had said something about selling some warehouse down by the port, but Connor hadn't really been listening.

Connor walked over and saw Zach, Tommy, and Seth and waved at them as they all started stretching and getting ready for the game. They would be playing in about an hour and he was enjoying hanging out with the guys as they got ready.

_Back to Connor's house_

Connor got out of the shower after the game, still excited over their win, and went to his closet. He pulled on his favorite jeans: worn, comfortable and torn at the knees, but they felt great despite the fact that his mom hated them and grabbed a black t-shirt with Jersey Shore Pro Cup logo in red before heading to grab a quick lunch. At the last minute, Connor decided to put his PSP in his backpack along with all the stuff for the project. "I mean we can't study all the time and maybe we will need a break. We can play a couple of games of Ridge Racer if we have time" he thinks.

Scarfing down some food, he was ready to go in 20 minutes and got his mom to head out so that they would get to Jude's house right at 1pm.

Walking up to the brown house with the front porch, Connor suddenly remembered that one of Jude's moms was Vice-Principal Adams-Foster. It was like going to a teacher's house – very weird, but he shifted his backpack and knocked on the door. The door opened and the Vice-Principal was standing there, but she definitely did not look like she did at school. She was wearing a colorful patterned shirt with a large necklace and jeans – definitely not what she wore to school. She looked more like she was going to a music festival or something! She looked at Connor for a second and seemed surprised to see him.

"Oh, Hey" Lena said "Come in." Connor walked in to the house and was surprised how normal it looked. He laughed at himself, what was he expecting? Lena shut the door and moved to the base of the stairs, "Jude! Connor's here." She turned back to Connor "So...how's your Saturday" she asked Connor.

"Pretty good" he said "we won our soccer game."

"Very nice" she smiled when they heard Jude coming down the stairs. Jude stopped when he reached the step above the bottom of the stairs (so he was a bit taller than his mom!) with a big smile on his face and said "Hey."

"Hey Jude" Connor said smiling.

"AH!" Lena said with a big smile "the Beatles!"

"Why is she talking about bugs" Connor thought and tried to see why she was excited about them. He must have looked really confused and when he looked up at Jude, he was just smiling like he had heard it before "It's a band that old people like" he told Connor.

"Okay, Ouch" Lena said looking back at Jude "why don't you guys head up to your room and get started. Jude has everything you need." 

Connor looks up at Jude and smiles.

"C'mon" Jude says with a huge smile before turning around and running up the stairs, Connor right behind him. They get to the second story and he follows Jude into a room that surprises Connor because it doesn't look like what he thought Jude's room would look like. But Connor wants to say something nice about it. Jude walks over and sits on the smaller of the two beds in the room and starts reaching in to the shopping bags on the bed.

Seeing the Antonio Gates San Diego Chargers jersey laying on the chair, Connor picks it up figuring that Jude was a Chargers fan. "It's too bad they let Tomlinson go, they haven't been the same since" Connor says holding the jersey "they were so close to the Super Bowl." Connor saw Jude look down and start playing with the materials for their project and not saying anything. Usually all he had to do was start talking about football and guys would talk, but Jude must be really shy.

"Who's your favorite player" Connor asks Jude. "Oh...um...I like..." he looks up and Connor can tell he has no idea about football, but he continues "you know...uh...what's his name." Connor watches Jude try to act like he likes the Chargers, but it's obvious he doesn't. "why is he pretending?" Connor thinks.

Jude stops and, not meeting Connor's gaze, says "Actually, it's not mine, it's Jesus's."

Connor puts the jersey back down on the chair, "Oh, that's cool." He looks around for something else he can use to get Jude to open up to him and spots a cool skate board. Walking over to it "You board?" Jude shakes his head while pulling the supplies out of the bags. "that's Jesus's too." Connor is holding the board, which is pretty cool, when he hears Jude say "pretty much everything in here is Jesus's."

Setting the board down, Connor is confused. "So where is all your stuff" Connor asks as he moves towards the boy on the bed. Jude is looking...ashamed? "I don't really have that much stuff." Jude says as he stands up and moves toward the small desk next to the bed. "When you move around all the time, things get lost or stolen." Jude picks up ta tray with bottles of paint and glue and points down to the small duffel bag under the desk, "so this is pretty much it."

Everything he owns is in that small bag? Connor feels sick at the thought that his new friend doesn't have the same things all his other friends have. It's not right or fair, he thinks, why does Jesus has so much more stuff when they are supposed to be sharing the room? He knows that Jude is a foster kid, but he never thought about what that would really mean. That he would not have a room with games, toys, sports equipment and all the other things that he has always taken for granted. The thing that bothers him more than anything is not that Jude doesn't have a lot of stuff, what bothers him is how Jude acts about it, like its normal, like he doesn't deserve to have more.

He tries to process all of this and he is thinking and feeling so many different things as he watches Jude move back to the bed and continue to lay out all the supplies. Connor realizes that Jude is very different from anyone he has ever known before. He doesn't know why, but he feels he needs to show Jude that it's not a big deal.

"Everybody has too much stuff anyway. I mean like Zach, all he talks about is I got this new thing this weekend. It's stupid right?" Connor says looking at Jude as he sits down on the end of the bed. "He's such a jerk." Connor looks at Jude but he isn't saying anything "Right?" he asks again trying for some reaction.

Jude doesn't respond though, he just shrugs and grabs more supplies out of the bag on his bed. Connor watches him for a second when he realizes that he has never heard Jude say something bad or mean about anyone at school in all the time he has known him, about anyone. "You don't ever talk bad about anyone, like ever" Connor says looking at Jude "Even those guys who called you names and stuff. You never say anything mean about them." He really wanted to understand why Jude didn't act like everyone else...it was so different.

Jude looks right at Connor and shrugs his shoulders, "What's the point" he asks? Connor doesn't have a response because Jude is right. What is the point? He has hung out with the guys and heard everyone say stuff about each other and while he tries not to do it too much, he knows he does it too. Like five seconds ago about Zach. But honestly what was the point. It didn't change anything and when people found out, it often ruined friendships or really hurt the other person. It was like everything else with Jude, once he said something, it made sense and caused Connor to wonder why he didn't realize it before.

"We should probably get started" Jude said as Connor realized he had a lot to think about and maybe now wasn't the time. He reached in to his bag to get the paperwork for their project and helped Jude start organizing all the pieces. He liked talking with Jude...he makes me think.


	9. Dinner at Home

Building a model of DNA was pretty cool, not really all that hard, it just involved making sure we matched the colors of the base pairs correctly as we built our strand and mostly we just talked about what we were doing. But as we were finishing up Jude asked me “Can I show you something?”

I nodded and he reached over to his bag, that duffel bag that had everything he owned in it, and he pulled out a set of keys “It was my dad’s” he said handing them to me. I noticed that there was a small pocket knife on it with T.J. burned into the wood handle. “It doesn’t open anymore, I just like the fact that he carried it around” Jude tells me. 

“Yeah.” Connor says trying to find the right way to ask without sounding like a jerk “Hey, what happened to your dad?” Connor hands the key ring and knife back to Jude.

Jude takes a second before saying “He’s in jail.”

Connor is stunned again. How can one person have all this happen to him Connor thinks? Dad in jail, bullied in school, moving from foster home to foster home, having almost nothing…it’s not fair! Connor wants to say something, something reassuring, but he isn’t doing too well today and doesn’t know what to say to his new friend. 

“Well, he…he was in jail” Jude said with a completely different look on his face, like he was talking about someone totally different. “Then he had to leave the country. And now he lives in..um..on an island.” Jude continues.

“Um…okay” Connor says, but he is watching Jude talk and he knows, knows in his gut, that this isn’t right. It's like the Jude he has been talking to up till now has been replaced by someone different. He is making this up…but why?

“He made a lot of money and some people got mad so he had to leave. But he’ll come back and get us. And he’s gonna take us to his really nice house…” Jude looks down, not paying attention to the pipe cleaners in his hand that he has been twisted together over and over again. “Right on the beach and there’s a pool and these really awesome cars and, and that’s where all my stuff is at. At my dad’s.”

Connor knows he has to make a decision, do I call him on this or let it go? Why is he saying all this? 

“Why are you lying?” Connor says before he even realizes it. He wants to be friends with Jude, the real Jude, not this fake person telling stories. 

“I’m not” Jude says, but his eyes are telling Connor the truth.

“You don’t have to lie” Connor says not breaking eye contact. He wants Jude to know he is there for him.

Jude looks down, ashamed. “Sorry” he says barely above a whisper and Connor feels bad. I don’t care about any of that, I just want us to be friends, real friends he thinks. How can I fix this? Remembering his PSP that he brought, he smiles and starts to reach for it in his bag. “Hey, want to play Ridge Racer?” He turns it on and hands it over to Jude “You go first.” Which is a big deal for Connor, he always goes first when he plays with his other friends.

Jude looks confused at first, like he has never seen one before, and watches as the game starts up “Whoa, this is so cool!” 

Connor watches Jude smiling as he looks at the game, a real, honest smile and he can’t help but smile back. He is surprised by how it feels watching someone else be happy, it feels like all the pressure and discomfort that had happened when Jude was lying about his dad was gone and they were better than before. Connor doesn’t understand why seeing Jude happy makes him happy.

Jude looks up at Connor with a huge smile, but doesn’t say anything before starting the game. It was even better than when he wore the nail polish. They played for a while longer before getting back to their project. When they were finishing up Connor got a text from his mom that she was on her way to pick him up so they cleaned up everything and headed downstairs.

They reached the stairs and, looked in the kitchen and Connor saw Lena standing with a blonde women and two older kids, a boy and a girl he thought he had seen at school, standing around the kitchen table. Another couple and a girl about the same age as the other two were standing off to the side whispering. 

“Oh hey sweetie, what do you need?” Lena asked them.

There was definitely tension in the air but Jude didn’t seem to notice it or act like anything was wrong. Connor however could tell. His parents had been fighting for a while now and it had only been getting worse and walking in to that kitchen felt like it did when he walked in on them. Like they had pressed pause, but were just waiting for them to leave to continue.

“Connor’s mom is here to pick him up” Jude told his mom.

“Oh, okay Connor. We will see you again soon” Lena said. “I’ll walk ya” the blond lady said. 

“No, it’s okay” Jude stopped her holding up his hand “I got it.” 

“Okay, bye” Connor said and turned for the door, Jude walking behind him leaving all that tension behind in the kitchen. He hoped it wasn’t anything bad, Jude’s family seemed nice.

“Okay, I’ll see you at school” Jude said.

Connor suddenly had an idea, and it was a great one. Smiling he said “Wait” while he turned back to Jude and reached into his bag for his PSP that they had been playing. “Here” he said handing it out to Jude “keep it.”

Jude, arms firmly by his side, looked sad and shook his head “I can’t.”

“Yes you can” Connor said looking at the shorter boy. “It’s cool. I want you to.” Connor pushed the game forward a bit and he could see Jude wavering in his resolve, a look of very suppressed desire on his face as he reaches up and takes it from Connor. Right then, he hears his mom’s car horn and he knows he needs to go. Also, he knows he needs to leave before Jude can try to give it back because he is sure that Jude will try. “Okay, see you” Connor says and moves quickly towards the door, seeing the doubt on Jude’s face but knowing he won’t be able to give it back now.

**FLASHBACK TO THE BEACH**

“And that was the first time I ever went to Jude’s house” he told the girls. “I really only met Lena, briefly, but didn’t actually know about Mariana, Jesus or Stef and I never saw Callie or Brandon. But we had a good time.”

Both girls were quiet, thinking about what Connor said about that first time that he and Jude spent together time outside of school. It was fairly typical for working on a project, except when he learned about Jude’s dad, that part of the story Connor didn't share with the girls. 

“I gotta say” Taylor said into the silence “I am not surprised about Jude not saying anything about those guys. He has always been so polite and nice around me, I never have really seen him upset before…well until today that is.”

“Yeah” Daria says “even when we switched so we could be partners in science class, which by the way I am still mad at you about – just so you know” she said looking at Connor with her forehead furrowed “he never seemed mad, just…I don’t know…”

“Disappointed?” Connor supplies.

“YES!” Daria says smiling “he was disappointed…oh. Right.” She said looking sadly at Connor.

“Yeah” he replies looking down “he was…at me.”

Taylor looks at the two of them as the silence grows uncomfortable. She needs to get things moving again “So what happened next?”

“Actually, the drive home and dinner with my parents was really strange. Looking back it makes sense, but at the time I didn’t get it” he says.

“Get what” Daria asks?

“My mom” Connor says “I told her all about Jude and the afternoon, but when we had dinner with my dad, she kinda lied to him”

**FLASHBACK TO THE RIDE HOME FROM JUDE’S**

Connor runs down the steps towards his mom waiting in the car. “Did you have a good time honey” Connor’s mom asks him as he gets in the car?

“Yeah” Connor starts “Excuse me?” she interrupts “I mean yes ma’am.” Connor’s mom definitely had a thing about manners and that was one of her major pet peeves. “Jude is really cool. I like him.”

“Did you finish your project” she asked him? “Yes we did” Connor answered her “and we got to hang out for a bit. Do you think it would be okay if he came over some time and hung out at our house?”

“Sure thing” she replied. “Now remind me is he on the soccer or baseball team, I can never keep up with everyone.”

Connor just smiled, his mom never really remembered most of his friends. She was always busy with work and since he was about 10 years old and started taking more care of himself, she had gotten even more distracted. “Actually neither. I don’t think Jude plays any sports teams.”

Connor’s mom looked over at her son, seeing his smiling face, surprised. It seemed that all of Connor’s friends were connected somehow to sports or on one of his teams, which was fine with Adam, but she was glad to see that Connor was broadening his perspectives. There was more in the world than sports, despite what your father thinks she thought bitterly. “So where did you meet him” she asked?

“In class” Connor replied. “We are in the same math and science classes and he started school a few weeks ago. Mrs. Williams assigned a group project and we decided to work together on it.”

“He just started?” she asked “Did he just move to San Diego?”

“No” Connor said as he watched them turn in to their driveway. “Actually he is a foster kid and he is staying with Mrs. Adams-Foster and her wife. They all seem really nice.” Connor smiled as he got out of the car so he didn’t see the expression on his mother’s face. “Oh dear” she thought “please don’t say that to Adam.”

They walked in to the house and she looked around but didn’t see Adam. “Connor, why don’t you go up to your room for a bit? Dinner will be at 7:00pm.”

“Sure mom” Connor said heading up stairs.

Taking in a deep breath, Mrs. Stevens tried to think of a way to avoid any reaction by her husband. She knew that Adam had some issues with gay people, especially when he was in school. He was part of that macho, jock group that always picked on those who were less talented or who didn’t fit into established roles for boys and girls. She remembered one boy in their school, a shy, quiet kid who was more interested in art and reading than sports who was pretty much tormented by Adam and his friends. 

The really sad part was that she was fairly certain that having finally grown up and having a family had actually made him ashamed of what he had done back then. But rather than facing it and actually taking personal responsibility for what he did, he instead tried to pretend it had never happened or it wasn't that big of a deal. Hearing that his son was friends with a boy who didn’t play sports would be bad enough, but finding out he was being raised by two women, that might make things even worse. It would bring up all the things he didn't want to face and when Adam didn't want to deal with something, he usually lashed out and then felt guilty for it, which caused him to be mad all over again.

_Later at Dinner_

“So Connor” Adam asked his son “I heard you won your soccer game?”

“We did dad” Connor said excitedly “it was great. Gordie and I were on fire today. We scored twice on the other team and I was able to steal the ball when they were on a strong drive. I thought they would score but we blocked it and ran it back to score. It was awesome!”

“That’s great son” Adam said smiling. “Did you get your homework done?”

“About half. I went over to Jude’s house after the game and we finished our DNA project.” Connor said smiling and speared another piece of chicken parmesan his mom had made for dinner.

“Jude?” Adam asked and looked at his wife “Is he a new player on the team?”

Connor, still chewing, tried to open his mouth to reply when his mom answered instead “Actually Adam, Jude is a classmate at Anchor Beach. He lives with Mrs. Adams-Foster, the Vice-Principal.”

Connor looked at his mom confused. While what she was saying was true, the way she was saying it was strange. He opened his mouth to speak “Connor, don’t speak with your mouth full” she said quickly. He shut his mouth, but he didn't have a full mouth but the look she gave him convinced him to stay quiet.

“I think it is great that he is making a good impression on Mrs. Adams-Foster don’t you think Adam? I mean Connor will be in high school in two years and it doesn’t hurt for him to have the people in charge think highly of him hmmm?” Mrs. Stevens smiled at her husband who looked a bit confused but when he looked down she shifted her eyes to her son and tried to silently tell him to let her talk.

Connor was even more confused. He barely spoke to the Vice-Principal, he wasn’t trying to impress her by being Jude’s friend!

“You know” Adam said looking at both of them “that’s actually a really good thought. I mean I know she isn’t a coach, but if she is impressed with Connor, then he has an even better chance of being a varsity player earlier than later. Good job son.” Adam smiled at his son “Sounds like you did good making friends with this kid and who knows, maybe you can help him try out for a team.”

Adam then started telling his wife a story about a client he had who was looking for office space downtown and how difficult he was being.

Connor just finished eating quietly, confused by the conversation. It was almost like his mother was lying about Jude, even though she didn’t say anything that technically wasn’t true.

After dinner, Adam went to his office to work on some paperwork while Connor helped his mother clean up after dinner. They worked together quietly for a bit before Connor decided to speak to his mom. “Uh, mom” he started “about what you said at dinner…”

“What was that dear” she asked innocently?

“About Jude and Mrs. Adams-Foster.”

“What about them?” she asked smiling as she continued to wash the dishes and acting like nothing unusual had happened.

“Well, it seemed that you told dad I was being friends with Jude to get his mom to like me” Connor said looking at her.

“Really?” she said smiling as she looked over at him “I didn’t think you were doing that. Were you?”

“No! But you said to dad…” Connor started

“Connor” his mom stopped him. “Your dad is in real estate, commercial real estate. That means he spends most of his time building relationships, making deals, and trying to build connections to people. He sees most people in terms of what they can do for his business and how he can establish ties so that if he can’t do business today, he might tomorrow. People’s impression of him is very important to him, his reputation as a guy who gets things done and can make things happen is why he is so successful. He tends to forget that not everyone does that or that it is even necessary, all the time.”

She sighed “I know you just like Jude because he is a good person and not because you can use him to get ahead, but your dad…sometimes he forgets about that. So to make it easier, I just put it in terms that made sense to him is all. Don’t worry about it, just be friends with Jude and it will be okay” she smiled “now I can finish up, why don’t you head up to your room and relax?”

Connor smiled and said thanks and went up to his room. He was getting ready to play some video games when he remembered what Mrs. Adams Foster said. Going to his computer he Google’d "beatles and Jude" and a video popped up. He played it and smiled as the song started with the lyrics “Hey Jude.” Now he gets it. He listened to the song all the way through and though it was nothing like what he listened to, he liked it. He decided to download it to his phone so he could listen to it again.

Moving to his bed, Connor started playing video games. He didn’t really think any more about what his mom had said until weeks later when he realized that she had diverted him from mentioning anything about Jude’s history or the Fosters.


	10. Sleepover Interrupted

“So your mom knew how your dad would react, huh” Taylor asked Connor.

Connor looked up at Taylor for a second before replying. “I am not sure if she knew for certain, but she definitely suspected. I don’t know exactly how she knew, I mean I never heard them talking about gay people or anything, but she was concerned enough to keep me from mentioning it, but that didn’t last long though. Dad found out pretty fast about Stef and Lena and that Jude was a foster kid, but that, at least, didn’t really seem to faze him.”

“How did he find out” Daria asked?

**FLASHBACK TO CONNOR’S HOUSE**

It was Thursday night at dinner and Adam was running late, again, but Connor and his mom were sitting down to dinner. Connor wanted to ask her something, but after the last time he talked about Jude, he was a bit nervous how she would react.

“Mom” Connor started “would it be okay if Jude came over on Saturday to hang out?”

Mrs. Stevens looked up and smiled at her son. He looks so nervous. He has never been nervous about asking before. “Sure, that would be fine” she answers.

“...and maybe he could sleep over?” Connor finishes with one of his smiles, one that he knows works wonders on his mom.

So that’s it. He is definitely getting sneakier she thinks with a smile while she looks at him. It has been almost two years since Connor has had someone sleep over, usually he goes to the other boy’s house. She had wondered why, but had figured that with two career driven parents, he probably just had more fun at his friends’ houses.

“Nice to ask after you got permission to him to come over” she said looking at him smiling, letting him know that he wasn’t pulling anything over on her. “That’s fine, he can stay over.” Actually she was really interested in seeing this boy that Connor was friends with.  
They finished dinner and Connor went upstairs to play games before getting ready for bed. Adam came in about an hour later looking exhausted. 

“I swear this guy is nuts” he started in on his client, no “hello”, no “how are you”, just complaining. She put the dinner she had held back in front of him “I’m good, we had dinner out” he said continuing to ramble about the client as he pulled out his computer and started to work.

Turning back to the kitchen she dumped the food in the trash as Adam continued complaining not even noticing. I don’t know how much more I can take of this she thought. He is such an ass! Turning out the lights as she walked upstairs not looking, or even caring, to see if her husband had noticed that she left. She could feel another migraine coming on.

_Friday at Anchor Beach_

Connor was putting his books in his locker and watching out for Jude when he saw him coming down the hall. Smiling he went over to the younger boy as Jude opened his own locker.

“Hey Jude” Connor said smiling, remembering the new song on his phone. “Hey Connor” Jude replied.

“I wanted to see if you wanted to come over to my house on Saturday. We could hang out and play video games and stuff. My dad has set up the basement really cool and we can hang out down there” Connor said smiling.

“Sounds cool” Jude replied, “I mean, I have to ask first, but I will.”

“Great” Connor said happily as they headed off towards math “and guess what? My mom said you can spend the night if you want. That way we can stay up late playing games or watching movies and stuff.”

Jude had never been to a sleep over before. He had stayed with a lot of kids he didn’t know very well in his foster homes, but nothing like this. He think he remembered Callie doing that before their mom died, but he never did. He was nervous, but also excited. “I can ask at lunch if you want?”

“Sounds great” Connor said as they entered the classroom.

_Later that day_

As Connor entered science class at the end of the day he saw Jude and smiled. “Did you ask?”

“Yes, and I can come and sleep over” Jude said smiling. “When should I come over?”

“Well, we have another soccer game tomorrow, so how about 3pm?” Connor said. “That way we have most of the day and night to hang out? That will be fun, right?”

“Sure, sounds great” Jude said as Mrs. Williams called them to order. Time flew as the day ended and Connor raced home to tell his mom that Jude would be coming over.

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

"Awww…you were having a sleep over” Taylor teased Connor, “that’s so sweet! So, Jude was going to come over for the first time, but that was no big deal was it?” Taylor said “I mean, unless something happened?” 

“Yes” Connor said, “but, not like what you are thinking.” Connor thought back to that day, the day that had gone so strangely. It started out fun, but ended so badly.

**FLASHBACK TO CONNOR’S HOUSE ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON**

Jude had arrived at Connor’s right at 3pm and the day was going great. They spent most of the afternoon playing video games in Connor’s basement and it was great. They talked about the games and after Jude beat Connor in the last game of Mario Kart, they decided to take a break. 

“Let’s do something else” Connor said. Nearly two hours straight of video games was even pushing his limit. “What else do you want to do?”

“I don’t know” Jude replied smiling. He was having more fun than he had managed to in a long time and enjoyed just being a kid. He wasn’t worried about someone hitting him or getting picked on or a drunken foster parent coming in angry at some imagined slight. Today he just got to be Jude.

“Well, we could play catch, or basketball, or kick the soccer ball around” Connor suggested, anxious to get up and move around. He was pretty athletic and could only sit still for a while normally, but with Jude it didn’t seem to bother him as much as it normally did. 

“I’m not really good at sports” Jude tells him “I probably wouldn’t be much fun.” Jude looks sad, like he is somehow disappointing Connor. 

“How about we watch a movie? My dad has a bunch of DVDs” Connor suggests. 

The boys start watching Star Wars but barely get halfway through before its time for dinner. “Connor, Jude” they hear Connor’s mom from the top of the stairs. 

Going up to the kitchen Jude sees Connor’s mom setting out the food, stir fry like from a Chinese restaurant and it smells amazing. “Did you make that?” Jude asks amazed. 

"Yes I did” Mrs. Stevens says smiling. “I love to cook and love stir fry. However, before you eat, please go wash up.” The boys ran to the sink to wash their hands before sitting down with Connor’s mom. 

“Mom…where’s dad” Connor asks when he realizes that he hasn’t seen or heard him.

“Oh he is running late” Mrs. Stevens says with a smile on her face and Connor nods and turns his attention back to his plate. Jude however recognizes the false smile and tone of voice. He has heard and seen it before in his third foster home, when the wife was bitterly unhappy but trying to pretend not to be. It felt just like this. But he looked down to eat as well and was amazed “Wow, Mrs. Stevens” Jude said “this is really amazing!” And it was, as good as Momma’s cooking! 

“Sorry I’m late” Jude turned towards Connor’s father as he entered the house. “Started without me?” He said with a small smile. 

“Stir Fry waits for no man” Mrs. Stevens said with a smile, but you are just in time” and she gets up to fix him a plate. 

Sitting down, Adam Stevens looks at his son with a smile before noticing the shy, dark haired boy with the small build sitting next to his son. This boy does not look like any of Connor’s other friends, neither loud nor energetic, but very…controlled. Something about this boy reminds Adam of someone that he can’t quite remember and without knowing why he feels uneasy.

"So how did your game go today Connor?” Adam Stevens asked looking at his son and quickly forgetting the strange feeling that he had looking at his son’s friend

"Great – we won again!” Connor said smiling. He looked over at Jude who he could tell was also listening, “we only one by one goal, but they were a really good team.” Connor began discussing the plays and activities on the field and Jude was quickly lost. But unlike when others talked about sports, he wasn’t bored. Connor was so animated and lively as he talked and he often looked back to Jude to expand or further explain part of his story. Both boys were smiling as Connor finished his story. “Then I came home and Jude and I have been hanging out playing video games and watching movies.” 

Connor smiled at his friend and applied himself again to the stir fry in front of him as Adam smiled. “Well that’s great Connor. I know that you are having fun with soccer, but we need to get back to working on baseball soon. You know we need to work on your batting strength this season too. We have baseball season coming up and we will work on balance and torque this year.” Adam continued talking baseball with Connor and their plans for the year to come but Connor’s mom was more interested in what was happening with the two boys. 

Connor loved talking sports with his dad and even when he had teammates over, he would become engrossed in the conversations. They could go on for hours about it. Adam and Connor shared a bond over sports and while she wished it would include other activities, at least they had a connection. And the one time that Adam mentioned taking him hunting almost resulted in World War III. But in all those times, Connor would be so focused on their discussions he would forget that others were even there. But not this time. 

This time, he kept looking over at Jude and making sure to include him in the discussion. He would try to explain obscure rules and situations that happened to Jude before continuing on with his story. She had never seen him be so…attentive to a friend before. She had always worried that Connor would just like his dad at that age, selfish and egotistical, but he always had a gentle side that came out with others and it seemed even stronger with Jude. She was very proud of the teenager she saw growing up in front of her.

“So Jude” Adam said looking over at the quiet boy “I understand your mom is the Vice-Principal?” 

Mrs. Stevens froze with her glass touching her lips, worry in her eyes as she looked at her husband and then her son. Connor who had looked at Jude smiling caught her eyes and looking less certain as he saw the confusion in her face. 

"Well actually” Jude said clearly “she is one of my foster moms.”

Lowering her glass slowly, Mrs. Stevens watched her husband’s face to see how he would take this news. “Oh really,” he said. 

"Yes, both my sister and I are staying with the Fosters. They have three other kids, two who they adopted several years ago who they had also fostered first. They are really nice” Jude said with a smile “I really like them.”

Connor smiled and looked at his mom who had a small smile on her face and then at his dad who also was smiling. “That sounds really nice Jude” Adam said. “Are you two in any classes together?” 

"Math and Science” Connor answered. “Remember we worked on a DNA project earlier?” 

"Right, right.” Adam murmured before turning back to Jude “and what does your other mother do?” He remembered that someone had told him that the Vice-Principal was married to a woman, but didn’t know much else and Jude had just said ‘moms’ so that must have been correct. 

"She is a police officer” Jude said. 

Adam laughed at that “Wow, with a Vice-Principal and a cop for moms, sounds like you definitely will stay out of trouble. Doesn’t sound like you can get away with anything.” Both boys just laugh and continue eating while Connor’s parents talk. 

Having finished their dinner, Connor asks if he and Jude can be excused and his mom lets them return to the basement and the movie. 

“Sorry about my dad giving you the third degree about your moms” Connor apologizes. 

“You want to see an interrogation, you should watch Stef confront Jesus or Mariana…that is the third degree” Jude laughs and they decide to go back to playing video games as they both have seen Star Wars multiple times. 

_Several hours later_

Connor hears the phone ring and looks over and sees it is 11pm and is surprised. No one ever calls this late – his mom doesn’t like it and dad’s work and friends call his cell.

Twenty minutes later, the boys hear the basement door open and they watch Connor’s mom come downstairs. She looks really nervous as she sits down on the table in front of the sofa the boys are on “Boys, can you turn off the game?” 

Sensing that this is not something regular they do without complaint, Connor actually turns it off, not just pausing it. 

“Jude, there has been a situation with your family” Mrs. Stevens begins.

“Is something wrong?” Jude’s voice trembles, thinking of all the other bad situations he has been in and fearing the worst. Has something happened to Callie?

“Well, your mom, Stef, was at a situation and it seems that…” she pauses looking at Jude’s worried face. This is not fair she thinks “...she was shot and is at the hospital.”

Connor’s eyes widen as he looks over at his friend and sees the color drain from his face and tears start to form in his eyes. “Is she okay?” Connor asks his mom for Jude.

"I talked to Lena and she said that your mom was in surgery and they had every reason to believe it would be okay. They wanted to make sure it was okay for you to stay here as it might be a while before they are able to come over tomorrow.” She stopped talking and moved over to sit on the sofa by the small boy who was starting to tremble. “Jude, I am sure your mom will be fine. Please try not worry about it.”

Connor moved over to sit closer on his other side and put his arm around Jude’s shoulders. “I am sure she will be okay Jude. You just have to remember that” Connor says to his friend trying to make him feel better. Jude leans just a bit into Connor’s support but then straightens up and wipes his hand across his eyes. 

“Thank you Mrs. Stevens for letting me know” Jude says politely, but with little emotion.

“Okay” she says standing up “another 30 minutes boys and then its game and TV off.” She heads upstairs and looks back at the small boy trying so hard to be brave and her son, being so supportive for his friend. She is so proud of Connor, he is so much better than either of his parents she thinks sadly.

As his mom leaves, Connor realizes how close he is sitting to Jude, but it doesn’t seem that important. He had lowered his arm when Jude straightened up but puts his hand back on Jude’s shoulder “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks softly “I mean, I know I would be worried if it was my mom, but if your other mom didn’t ask to bring you to the hospital, it must be okay, right?”

Jude just nods and tries to smile at Connor. “Maybe we should try to go to sleep now” Jude says “I am kinda tired.” The boys lay out the sleeping bags on the floor of the basement rec room and get ready for bed. Jude comes from the bathroom in his pajamas and finds Connor already changed. They lay down and turn the lights out. “I’m sure she will be okay Jude” he hears Connor say. “Thank you” Jude replies “I hope so.”

Forty five minutes pass before Jude gives up on trying to sleep. Connor is out, sleeping like a log and Jude decides he wants to be with his family. Gathering up his stuff, he walks upstairs and finds a notepad and leaves a note for the Stevens before he starts the walk home.

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

“Oh my God Connor” Daria says “his mom got shot while he was at your house?” Taylor is looking just as stunned as Daria.

"Yeah” Connor replied “I woke up and Jude was gone. When I went upstairs my mom showed me his note and I totally understood. He was scared and worried and I found out later he had gotten home right after all the rest of his brothers and sisters had gotten home from the hospital while they were waiting on the news so it was good that they could all be together. Everything worked out okay in the end of course, but it was a tough time for Jude. 

It was really cool having him for a friend though. I liked hanging out with him and just when things started to get better, it seemed that something had to go wrong too.


	11. Messages from the Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on updating this one. This was the first fic I wrote and I have gotten swept up in others and always plan to come back, but keep getting new ideas. Will have to be a bit more disciplined!

“Well obviously it was okay” Taylor said “because his mom is fine. But I never knew that she had gotten shot.”

“Me neither” Daria said. “Jude never mentioned it, even when you were shot. I wonder why?”

“I don’t know” Connor replied. “It was probably so different it didn’t really connect. I remember that he was busy with family stuff for a while after that. We still hung out at lunch and all, but he was also pulling back too.”

“What do you mean” Daria asked him.

“It’s hard to describe looking back because things changed so quickly, but it was like he was trying to avoid making plans. I remember talking to him about a new movie coming out at the planetarium. It was really cool with amazing effects, 3D, and all that. I tried to get him to agree to go with me…”

“Like on a date?” Taylor interrupted with a smirk.

“No Taylor” Connor replied making sure he looked at both of them. “We didn’t really think like that about each other. Jude was my friend and was quickly becoming my best friend. I was really excited about the movie and knowing how much he liked Star Wars I figured he would like it too, but he wouldn’t agree to go. He kept saying he didn’t know if he would be around.”

“What do mean ‘he wouldn’t be around’?” Daria asked.

“I didn’t know then, but I figured out afterwards that Jude was really nervous about getting sent away. That was around the time that Callie ran away and they had a history of problems and it often meant that Jude got sent to a new foster home. I think he was really scared that Lena and Stef were going to get rid of him because they were mad at Callie” Connor explained.

“That’s crazy” Taylor said anger in her voice. “Stef and Lena would never do something like that!” Daria looked less certain as she didn’t know Jude’s moms that well.

“Of course not” Connor agreed with Taylor. “But remember Jude wasn’t adopted then and he had just spent 6 years being treated pretty badly by the foster system. He didn’t trust them yet so he was scared and was preparing to be thrown away again.”

Daria’s breath caught in her throat at Connor’s choice of words. He didn’t even seem to realize that he had said it but she had heard it: ‘thrown away again’ and that Jude was prepared for it. She had been loved and treasured all of her life by her parents and family. She couldn’t imagine how it would feel to be thrown away and for Jude it was so normal, so regular, that it didn’t even upset him anymore. She felt the tears in her eyes as she realized just how hard his life had been before finding the Fosters.

She then thought about how he must have felt about Connor and what it had been like seeing them kiss. She stood up and looked down at Connor. Connor looked confused as to why she stood up and the look on her face. Then she punched him. Not on the face, but in the shoulder, but still pretty hard. 

“Ow!” Connor yelped pulling back and looking at her. Daria sat back down still glowering. “Why did you do that?”

Daria looked at him in the eye, “You, Connor Stevens, are a jerk!” Connor rubbed his shoulder and looked down “yeah, I know” he muttered.

Daria looked away crossing her arms and let out a “humph” sound. She was not happy with Connor right now.

Taylor looked at her friend a little amused as well as surprised. She realized that Daria, whether she knew it or not, had basically sided with the Jude over Connor, her ex, over how Connor had acted. She looked over at Connor whose head was still down and looking ashamed. However she could also see from her side of the table something she was sure Daria couldn’t: the small smile on Connor’s lips. 

Taylor had also heard Connor when he talked about Jude being thrown away and she too had thought it was a slip till Daria reacted the way she had and she had seen that secret smile on Connor's face. It was then that she realized that Connor was a lot smarter than she had thought. In one move he had put Daria on the same side as Jude in their breakup - as a wronged party, instead of being seen as a threat or a trespasser. By putting the blame on himself, he had made sure Daria was blaming only him, not Jude. “He really has it bad” Taylor thought with a smile.

They sat there for a while. Daria still mad at Connor, Taylor surprised how sneaky he was being and Connor thinking about Jude, which to be honest he did a lot so that wasn’t exactly new.

Finally Daria seemed done, at least for the moment. “Okay, so then what. Jude’s mom was shot but it turned out okay in the end…then what happened?” She asked.

Connor paused for a moment. They had hung out at lunch and talked and had even hung out at Jude’s again and played video games but really the next thing was… “Stef’s father died.”

Daria and Taylor looked at each other before looking back at Connor. “You’re kidding right?” Taylor asked. 

“No” Connor replied. “He passed away right after Lena and Stef got married and Jude told me that he didn’t come to the wedding. He and Stef never really made up about that and then he died.”

Taylor leaned back stunned. Poor Jude. It seemed that he and the Fosters never could catch a break. She looked over at Daria who was also sad and surprised, seeming to be thinking the same thing.

“Stef’s father died and they had the funeral. Jude called me when they got home and asked if I wanted to come over for the party afterwards…not a party, but I don’t remember the word” Connor told them.

“A wake” Taylor said. “When you have party, well something like a party, after a funeral it’s called a wake.”

“Right…a wake” Connor nodded in appreciation. “Stef’s dad was a big Padres fan so everyone was dressed in team clothes and they were playing cards and talking and stuff. I got there and Jude and I were hanging out in his room when Mariana came in and wanted to play with the Ouija board.”

“You are kidding right?” Taylor said disbelieving. “That thing is so fake!”

“No it’s not” Daria disagreed. “You can talk to the spirit world using it.”

“Seriously” Taylor scoffed “a telephone to heaven that you buy at Walmart? It’s a total joke.”

Daria narrowed her eyes at Taylor preparing for an argument. “Did you want to hear what happened or just argue?” Connor interrupted them with a questioning look.

They both turned towards Connor and decided to postpone their argument. “Please continue” Taylor agreed for both of them.

**FLASHBACK TO FRANK FOSTER’S WAKE**

“You’re moving it” Connor said.

“I swear I’m not” Jude replied.

"Okay come on you guys, someone is definitely moving this” Mariana said

“This can’t be real” Jude said. “We need ask like a test question. Something nobody knows the answer to” he said looking at both Connor and Mariana.

“Ooo, I got one” Mariana said getting excited. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath “Will I ever have a boyfriend?”

Connor wondered about Jude’s sister and when he saw Jude open his eyes, they shared a look that said volumes about Mariana’s question. Mariana smiled as the pointer slid across the board and landed on **YES**.” 

“Now who’s moving it?” Jude said with a smirk as he laughed at his sister. 

Connor laughed out loud. 

“Wait” Mariana said seriously “I gotta know who.” She took a breath “What is the name of my first boyfriend?” 

The pointer slid across the board and stopped on the letter **Z**. “Who’s **Z**?” Connor asked. 

Mariana suddenly looked nervous as she realized that she knew a boy whose name started with the letter Z.

Jude looked up with a mischievous smile on his face and he realized it too. Looking at Mariana he teased her “Zac?” 

Mariana jumped up. “You know what? I’m good” she said. Jude couldn’t stop smiling. Seems that Mariana had a crush on Zac after all. “This is just a silly board game. You two communicate with the spirit world all you want. I’m done.” Mariana threw up her hands and ran out.

Connor and Jude were laughing at Mariana’s reaction to the board but decided to keep playing for a while. They decide to ask for any message that wanted to come through.

The two of them put their hands on the pointer and it started moving again. Sliding over it stopped on the letter **T** and then after a moment it slid over to the letter **O**.

“To?” Connor asked out loud confused by the message. “What does that mean?” he asked Jude.

Jude just shrugged. The pointer slid over the letter **Y**.

“Toy?” Connor asked.

“Do you think they are trying to tell us that the Ouija board is just a toy and that we shouldn’t play with it?” Jude asked.

Connor didn’t look convinced “Nah, I don’t think so” he said.

Jude suddenly smiled really big. “Oh my god! Frank just gave us a new TOYota” Jude told Connor.

“He got you a new car?” Connor asked with a smile. Jude nodded but also looked uncertain.

“Stef is making us give it away” Jude told him.

Connor looked really confused “Why?”

Jude just shrugged. To be honest he didn’t really understand it either. Jude thought for a few seconds “Maybe he wants us to keep it.”

Connor pulled back. Talking to spirits is one thing, but talking to Jude’s dead grandfather is getting a bit weird. “You didn’t push it?” Connor asked Jude again, hoping he would admit to it.

Jude just shook his head no. He didn’t do it.

Jude suddenly looked really nervous. “Can we do one more?” he asked Connor.

Connor relaxed thinking this can’t be real. “Yeah, sure” he agreed and put his hands back down on the board.

Jude took a deep breath and looked up. “Mom?” he asked.

Connor looked up from the pointer to look at Jude, but he was looking up as if trying to see to heaven. He suddenly got very nervous. Jude had never really talked about his real mom before and Connor wondered what he was going to ask.

“Are you there” Jude asked nervously.

The pointer slid over to **YES**.

Jude got a small smile on his face when he saw that. Connor smiled as well at the look of happiness on Jude’s face as the pointer moved back to the center of the board.

“Mom” Jude said looking up again and in a trembling voice asked “Is it okay if Stef and Lena adopt me?”

Connor felt his stomach flip and suddenly clench. His mouth felt suddenly dry and had trouble catching his breath. He could feel how scared Jude was. He looked down at the pointer before looking over at Jude who had just looked back down to the board. The pointer just sat there for a few seconds without moving, but it felt like forever. Connor took a deep breath as he watched his friend and then the pointer started across the board to stop on **YES**.

Jude’s face lit up with a smile as he looked over at Connor who was smiling back.

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

Daria was crying, sniffing to try and clear her nose while Taylor was trying valiantly to resist. “You moved it” Taylor said softly looking at Connor.

Connor looked up at her and smiled that small, shy smile. “No” he said softly. “It was the spirits who answered Jude.”

Taylor was looking at Connor’s face, right into his eyes and knew, as certainly as she had when she confronted him about liking Jude, that he was lying. But there was just enough doubt that she wasn’t totally sure. But what she was 100% certain of was that no matter how he was pressed, no matter the situation, no matter the begging or threatening or cajoling…he would never say anything other than that. 

Taylor realized just how intertwined the two of them really were at the moment. They had been coming together for some time and Daria and Connor’s dad were just temporary obstacles along a path that wasn’t going to be stopped. It might be delayed or slowed down, but those two were heading for each other and were going to be together no matter what. 

Suddenly she also realized that Daria hadn't been the only obstacle for them. She was one too. Both of them had been problems for them to deal with on the road to being happy and being together and suddenly she felt really uncomfortable knowing that instead of helping them like she had thought she was doing. She had just made it harder for them - just like everyone else.

Taylor looked over at Daria whose eyes were shining with tears. “I told you the Ouija board was real” Daria said with a sniff as she grabbed a tissue from her purse.

Connor just smiled.


	12. A Secret Message

Connor thought back to that day and how the rest of the evening went. They had gone down for a bit at the party before going back to Jude’s room where they played video games until Mariana came to get them to help start cleaning up. Connor had stayed to help for a while, but had to leave before they were done.

“Thanks for inviting me over” Connor told Jude as they walked towards the door. 

“Sorry it wasn’t much fun” Jude said as they walked out to look for Connor’s ride.

“I had fun” Connor said reassuringly and then laughed at Jude’s face “honest! I mean I know it wasn’t easy on your family, but it was still nice.” Connor smiled at Jude who just smiled back when Connor realized that Jude didn’t correct him by calling the Fosters his family like he had done before. Did that mean that he was feeling like he belonged there now?

Connor saw his dad’s car pull up so he waved at Jude and headed down for the car. Climbing in he smiled at his dad “Thanks for picking me up” he said smiling as he looked back at Jude who was walking into the house.

“Was everything okay?” Adam asked his son. “Funerals are never easy.”

“I think so” Connor said thinking about it. “I mean everyone was sad and all, but Jude didn’t really know him all that well. We did help out with the party and the cleanup for his moms, and they said thank you so I think they appreciated it. Everyone was really nice.”

“Why are you wearing a Padres shirt?” Adam asked confused.

“Stef’ dad was a big Padres fan so everyone had on Padres stuff in his honor” Connor explained. “It was kind of cool until they opened the box of cupcakes and they were all Dodger cupcakes. Jude said his mom was really mad about that” Connor laughed softly.

Adam snickered at that as well. “I bet.”

The ride home was fairly quiet and Connor went upstairs to finish his homework before going to bed. After he took his shower that night he texted Jude on his phone.

 **Connor:** Thanks again for inviting me over. 

**Jude:** Thanks for coming. It was good to have someone to talk to during everything.

 **Connor:** It was my first funeral thing. Kind of strange.

 **Jude:** Yeah. We didn’t have a wake for my mom, just the funeral, and it was strange.

 **Connor:** So…did you want to come over this weekend? We could play video games after my soccer game on Saturday.

 **Jude:** Sure. I will double check but should be able to

 **Connor:** Cool. Well, TTYL

 **Jude:** Night.

The next day at school Connor was talking with Jake from the baseball team before school started and they were discussing the upcoming season. Jake invited Connor over to hand out with him and some of the guys that weekend but he told them he already had plans. Jake gave him a weird look but left before he could figure out what it meant. He opened up his locker when he heard a voice beside him.

“Hi Connor.” Connor turned at saw a girl in his math class, Chelsea he thought, standing next to him.

“Uh hi. Chelsea?” he asked carefully. 

“Hi Connor” she replied with a smile letting him know he got her name correct. “You are friends with Jude right? The guy who started a little bit ago.”

“Yes” Connor says carefully, “why?”

“Oh, just curious is all. I mean what’s his deal? I have seen him with a girl from the high school a couple of times, looks kinda scary, but also with another girl at the high school too” Chelsea casually mentions. “Pretty with long black hair” she offers.

“Oh you mean Mariana and probably Callie” Connor says as the light bulb goes off. “Callie is his sister and Mariana is his foster sister” he explains.

“Foster sister?” Chelsea asks nonchalantly. “What do you mean?”

“He is living with Vice-Principal Adams-Foster” Connor explains “she is one of his foster moms.”

“Oh, that’s cool” Chelsea smiles and then looks happy. She looks like she has something else to say when the first bell rings. “Well, hey I have to go…great talking with you.” Chelsea walks off leaving Connor confused. What was all that about?

Connor walks into math class and sees Jude and smiles and gives a little wave and he notices Chelsea whispering to another girl in their math class. Connor can’t quite remember her name but they keep looking over at Jude and giggling. He sits down and Jude smiles at him. “Hi Connor” Jude says.

“Hey” Connor replies still distracted. Pointing at the girls at the front of the room with his chin he mutters “wonder what those two are all excited for?” 

“Chelsea and Maddie?” Jude asks. ‘Maddie! That’s her name’ Connor thinks. “Not sure.”

The rest of the class is pretty boring before Connor heads home after school.

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

“So what was all that about?” Taylor asked him.

Connor smiled. “Well, I wouldn’t figure it out for a bit longer, but it seemed that Maddie had a crush on Jude and sent Chelsea to find out some information about him. Seems they couldn’t figure out his deal or where he lived or how to call him because he was Jude Jacob and there was no 'Jacob' listed in the school phone directory. So once they found out he was living with Lena, Maddie would be able to call and talk to him, but it would take her a while to work up her nerve and I never caught on what they had done till much later.”

“Send the friend to recon” Daria said smugly, “basic move. Send friend to talk to target’s friend to find out what you need.” She smiled at their maneuvering and Taylor and her giggled.

“Anyway” Connor interrupted them before they got too far “before any of that showed up, Jude got a present from yet another girl in school!”

**FLASHBACK TO THE CAFETERIA**

Connor and Jude were talking about the newest video game that Jude had just gotten.

“I had to say it was so cool…” Jude was saying about this one part of the game when a girl walked up to their table inside. 

“Is one of you Jude?” the brown haired girl in the plaid shirt asked them smiling.

Connor looked over and saw that Jude was not answering quickly and the girl did have cupcakes. “He is” Connor said pointing at Jude. 

“Then these are for you” she said smiling shyly and setting down the tray. On it were two chocolate cupcakes with the words “was” and “in” written on them in white icing. 

“Thank you” Jude said confused.

“Enjoy” she said with another smile and took off. 

“What was that?” Connor asked with a teasing smile and looking over at Jude who was watching the girl run off. 

“I—I don’t know” Jude stammered not looking at Connor. He turned and saw Connor looking at him in disbelief with a big smile on his face. “Well, actually” he confessed “tomorrow is kind of my birthday.”

“And how does the cupcake delivery girl know before me?” Connor grilled Jude. How could he have not told me that his birthday was coming up? 

“I don’t think that’s her actual job” Jude snapped back at Connor who glared at him with a smirk.

Jude looked away for a second “My mom gave birth to me at home and when she went to fill out the paperwork, they messed up the date by a couple of weeks” Jude said while looking down like it was something bad. Connor looked at him thoughtfully wondering why they would have waited so long.

“So when Callie and I went into the foster system” Jude continued “we never told anyone my real birthdate.” Jude looked down with a small smile before looking at Connor “We kept it a secret” he explained. “You know…just for us.” Obviously only Jude and Callie knew about it but Connor realized that Jude must trust him a lot to tell him as well.

It was a cool story, but those cupcakes looked good. “So, can we eat them?” Connor asked pulling on the tray. 

“Hold on” Jude stopped him “she must be trying to send me some kind of message or something” he tried to explain to Connor.

“What does it mean” Connor asked wanting to understand.

“I have no idea” Jude replied, obviously confused by Callie’s actions. Connor had a great idea to help and get some sugar! 

“Here” he said. Pulling out his phone, Connor took a picture of both cupcakes with the words on them. “Now can we eat em?” he asked with a smile. Jude just laughed silently at him and pushed the tray towards him and Connor didn’t wait one more second, grabbing up “WAS” and peeling off the paper and taking a bite. Jude laughed at him.

“What?” Connor replied with a smudge of frosting on his lip. “I like cupcakes.”

Jude picked up the other one and peeled it as well eating it slower than Connor did, but knowing if he didn’t Connor would probably come after that one too and Jude would probably share it. Connor smiled at Jude as they finished off their snack and then looked around the cafeteria for the girl who had delivered it but he couldn’t spot her. He did see Chelsea and Maddie sitting across the room looking at them and giggling again. ‘What were they always giggling about?’ Connor thought. 

He and Jude walked out and headed towards their locker to switch out their books. They didn’t have class together till science, but they still had some time to kill. “So have you gotten anything else?” Connor asked Jude. 

“I found a witch figure with the word ‘AND…’ on it in my backpack this morning and then in my locker was a candy bar with the word ‘ALL’ on it” Jude told him.  
“So we have ‘ALL’, ‘WAS’, ‘IN’, and ‘AND…’ as our clues. Dude that is not much to work with” Connor told him. 

“I know” Jude said frustrated and double checked his locker for another clue. “Maybe I will find more later today. Did you want to come over after school and help me look? I am walking home as Lena has a meeting after school” Jude tells him.

“Sure” Connor says happily. “Meet you out front at the end of school. 

Connor doesn’t see Jude again but he does keep an eye out for cupcake girl but no luck. He does however see Maddie and Chelsea again in his history class but they never look over at him once or do their giggle thing. He just doesn’t get girls.

**_Taylor snorts at Connor’s comment but he takes the high road and doesn’t dignify it with a reply._ **

Walking out the front of the school Connor sees Jude standing there fidgeting as he waits. “Hey Jude!” Connor calls out and laughs again at that song. 

Jude waves him over and they start walking towards Jude’s house. They talk about classes most of the way home and the plan for the video game marathon on Saturday up until they get to the front of Jude’s house. As they walk in Jude heads straight for the kitchen, but it looks like no one else is home yet.

“Did you find anymore clues at school?” Connor finally asks knowing the answer but wanting to start the conversation. 

Jude just flails his arms “I don’t think so” he replies looking around the kitchen briefly. “I looked all over…” he starts to explain when he sees the duck figurine in a basket on the shelves with a ribbon and card on it like the witch figurine. Reaching for it he turns it to show Connor.

“Here’s one” he says lifting it up “It says Anxiety” he reads looking at the card. “Which is what I’m getting looking for these clues.” Jude walks over to the table and sets down the duck while Connor starts looking in the shelves where the duck was for anything else. 

Jude turns back to look again and steps to the side of Connor. “I don’t see anymore ducks” Connor says while Jude pulls out a large, rainbow colored carnival type lollipop with a tag on it. Jude smiles and says excitedly, “Look for candy” he tells Connor as he puts the lollipop next to the duck.

“Okay” Connor says with excitement as he watches Jude put the candy down. Turning back they both look at the shelves and Connor stretches up using his height advantage over Jude to check the upper shelves. Seeing a bag of peppermints with a tag Connor reaches for it “Oh, got one.” At the same time Jude grabs a gingerbread man with a tag as well. “Up here” he says and puts in on the table.

Connor starts looking on the shelf under the table “I don’t see any more” when he notices Jude suddenly reach for the shelf. “Oh, here’s one” Jude says and puts down the bag of candy on the table as well. 

Connor looks again at the shelves while Jude opens up his bag and pulls the witch and the candy bar out of his bag. Seeing this, Connor pulls out his phone and opens up the cupcake picture and puts in on the table with the other clues.

Jude looks at all of them and starts moving them around. “And…all…anxiety…they…was…perfect” he read out.

Connor didn’t think that was right mainly because Jude didn’t use all the words. 

“How about” Connor tried “Perfect…anxiety…they…all…and…was” okay that was just as bad as Jude’s idea Connor thought but he looked at Jude anyway. 

Jude just shook his head “I don’t think that’s it” he told Connor. Jude kept moving the clues around trying to get them to make any kind of sense. 

“So how many clues do we have?” Connor asked Jude.

“Let’s see” Jude replied “And…All…Anxiety…They…Was…In…Perfect..End…Lived…An…At…” Jude counted them up “Eleven. There are eleven clues” Jude told him.

“Why eleven?” Connor wondered aloud.

“I don’t know, none of this makes sense” Jude says frustrated.

Connor wonders “Do you think we might be missing clues?” he asks.

“What do you mean?” Jude asks him.

“Well, it’s your thirteenth birthday” Connor begins “maybe there are 13 clues and you haven’t found the last two yet.”

Jude rolls his eyes. This is just like Callie to make it impossible for him to figure out. He needs to ask her about it but he know she will play dumb and she isn’t home yet. “I will have to ask her when she gets back home” Jude tells him with a sigh. “Did you want to play some video games?” he asks Connor.

Connor smiles and they play for about an hour before Connor has to leave. “Hey, text me once you know something” Connor tells him as he leaves.

_Later that night_

**Jude:** Well I asked her but she won’t admit to anything

 **Connor:** LOL. Not surprised

 **Jude:** No. But driving me crazy.

 **Connor:** You will figure it out tomorrow. Don’t worry.

 **Connor:** Night!

 **Jude:** Good night

Connor smiles and sets the alarm on his phone for 11:58pm so he can wake up. He finishes his homework and watches a movie in the game room before heading up to bed. Connor is confused when his alarm goes off and it’s so dark out. Reaching for the phone he sees it is almost midnight. Why is he up? Suddenly he remembers. Sitting up in bed he types out his message and waits for 12:01am to come and then he hits ‘send’.

 **Connor:** Happy Secret Birthday!

 **Connor:** Hope I’m the first

Connor waits and wonders if Jude heard the phone go off at all when he suddenly sees the three dots pop up telling him that Jude is writing.

 **Jude:** Since everyone else is asleep…yes you are

 **Connor:** :) - Winner!

 **Jude:** Thank you… Night

 **Connor:** Night Jude

Connor rolls over and goes back to sleep with a smile.

The next morning he is waiting at school by Jude’s locker anxiously for him to arrive. He sees Jude walk up smiling and he smiles and refrains from shouting out ‘Happy Birthday’ not sure if Jude wants everyone to know or not. When Jude finally get there he whispers “Happy Secret Birthday!” to Jude.

“Well, it’s not too much of a secret now” he laughs and smiles at Connor. “Callie told the whole family. I woke up to the last two clues and a surprise birthday breakfast” he says smiling.

“What were they?” Connor asks excitedly. 

“They were ‘TOGETHER’ and ‘HAPPINESS’ though I didn’t get the last clue till I went downstairs as it was written on a balloon” he said with a laugh.

“So did you figure it out?” Connor asked him still not able to figure it out.

“Yes” Jude said smiling. “My mom used to read Hansel and Gretel to me and Callie all the time when we were little, before she died.” Connor looked unhappy at that but Jude wasn’t looking at him at that moment and when he looked back up Connor’s face was smiling again. “The last sentence of the book read: THEN ALL ANXIETY WAS AT AN END, AND THEY LIVED TOGETHER IN PERFECT HAPPINESS.” Jude was smiling as he looked at Connor.

“Callie said we had a home now, so we didn’t need secrets anymore” Jude told Connor who smiled down at his friend. They walked off towards their first classes and Connor was again amazed at the boy walking next to him who had suddenly become so important to him.


	13. Chapter 13 - The green eyed monster

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

“Aww. That is so sweet” Daria said with a smile. “I never heard that story before.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of cool to have a secret birthday. He won’t be mad you told us?” Taylor asked cautiously.

“I don’t think so” Connor told them. “After that party he didn’t seem to care about that and once he was adopted it was even less important I think. The secret birthday was his and Callie’s special thing to help them through the troubles of the system. Once he was out of it, he didn’t seem to need it anymore and he wanted his whole family to know now.”

“Okay, but what about Maddie and Chelsea?” Taylor asked. “They have to show up somewhere. Maddie is definitely crushing on Jude.”

“Like someone else we know” Daria teased. “Ouch!” she yelled as Taylor smacked her in the arm. “What was that for?” she asked feigning innocence.

Taylor just glared. “Okay, I deserved that” Daria admitted.

“Anyway” Connor said trying to change the subject “Maddie was getting up her nerve to make her move and it was going to change things. She was crushing on Jude and decided that he was too shy to ask her out, so she would do it for them. And I did not like that one bit.”

**ADOPTION WEEK**

Connor walked into school and headed for his locker keeping an eye out for Jude. He didn’t see Mrs. Adams-Foster’s car this morning, but he could have walked. Grabbing his books he looked around and waited for Jude to show up. He looked over and saw Chelsea and Maddie walking by and they did that whisper giggle thing they are always doing again. He really didn’t understand them.

“Hey Connor” he heard Jude say behind him. Turning around he smiled and said good morning. Jude was grabbing his books before they walked to homeroom. They were talking about not much of anything when Jude suddenly stopped and looked really nervous.

Connor stopped and looked at him and wondered what was wrong.

“Uh…Connor” Jude stammered “I was wondering if, you don’t have to or anything, but if you wanted to and weren’t busy I mean, I understand if you have plans already…” Connor had never seen Jude this nervous since he started at Anchor Beach.

“Jude, what is it?” Connor asked with a smile. “Just tell me.”

Taking a deep breath, but not looking directly at him Jude asked “Moms said I could invite good friends and I thought you might want to come.”

“Come where?” Connor asked trying not to laugh at how nervous Jude was being. It was really kind of funny how worked up he was getting.

“To my adoption” Jude whispered.

“Wait? What?” Connor said surprised. “I mean I know you said you were getting adopted but I wasn’t sure what that meant.”

“Callie and I have to go before a judge who will sign the papers to make Lena and Stef our moms for real. They do this signing thing and then we have a party after and they said it was for good friends and family so I wondered if maybe, if you wanted, you would like to come?”

Connor was once again surprised by the guy standing beside him looking so scared of rejection. Ever since he met Jude he kept finding himself overwhelmed by the things he never even thought about that Jude dealt with without complaining. He knew some of the things that Jude had faced being a foster kid, but he also knew that Jude wasn’t telling him about a lot of the bad stuff too. 

“I would love to come” Connor said with a smile. “I have to ask, but when is it?” 

“This Thursday” Jude told him.

“Cool. I will ask my mom tonight and let you know.

 

**_Later that night_ **

**Connor:** Hey Jude! Mom said she will drop me off at the courthouse if you can give me a ride back.

 **Jude:** That’s great. Mama already said you could ride back with us for the party so that is perfect.

 **Connor:** Cool! See you tomorrow!

**_Wednesday after School_ **

“Who is it?” Jude asked as he gestured to open the chest on the game he was playing with Connor. 

“Um, I don’t know” Mariana replied with a shrug of her shoulders holding out the phone.

Jude took the phone and holding it up said “Hello” and then he looked at Mariana nervously and turned towards Connor and was even more flustered. Putting his head down, Connor watched Jude walk out of the room with the phone. 

Suddenly Mariana got this excited gleam in her eyes and smiling like a cat that ate the canary said “It’s a girl. Who do you think it is?”

Connor just looked after Jude and didn’t like what he was feeling. Biting his lip he felt nauseous in his stomach as he looked after Jude. Who was calling him and why?

Connor watched Jude as he walked back into the room and sat down on the couch. “Who’s that?” Connor asked casually.

“Um…Maddie. From school.” Jude replied looking back at the tv. 

“Maddie?” Connor asked confused. He looked over at Jude not liking this “Well what did she want?”

“Um…she just wanted…” Jude muttered playing with stuff on the coffee table and avoiding looking at Connor. “…to know if I would…go see a movie with her next week.” He looked at Connor and seemed embarrassed.

“She did?” Connor was surprised but then he remembered all the whispers and giggles. Why was she asking Jude out? Did she like him? Did he like her? “What did you say?” Connor suddenly asked not exactly sure why.

Jude looked surprised at the question and replied uncertain of his answer “I said I would ask my moms and let her know at school, tomorrow.”

Connor felt his stomach cramp. He did not want Jude going out with Maddie. He hadn't known Maddie for very long but he didn’t think they were right for each other.

“Do you want to go? Like, do you like her?” he asked trying not to look at Jude. He didn’t know what Jude’s answer would mean to him.

Jude looked down and got a thoughtful expression on his face before shaking his head. “No” he said almost surprised by his own answer “no. Not like that” he ended more certain.

“Are you sure?” Connor needed to know.

“Yeah…Yeah. No” Jude smiled at Connor like he was reassuring him.

Connor looked away and for some reason he felt worse. He didn’t understand why Maddie asking out Jude bothered him so much but he figured maybe he was jealous. Maddie was cute and all and maybe hearing that she liked Jude made Connor realize that he liked her as well. 

“Then is it okay if I ask her out?” Connor heard himself saying. He looked over at Jude to see how he would react and that nausea was suddenly back. What did he want Jude to say?

Jude got this look on his face like he was suddenly mad or disappointed in him but it wasn’t there for long and Connor thought he had just imagined it. He turned away and looked…sad? Taking a deep breath he said “Um” he shook his head “yeah…sure.”

Connor just nodded at his answer and realized it wasn’t the one he wanted to hear. He didn’t feel better, in fact for some reason he felt worse. Like something was really wrong and he didn’t know what. The rest of the time Connor was there was not very comfortable for him. Connor and Jude had barely talked the rest of the afternoon and when he went to leave there was still this ‘thing’ in the air that made him really uncomfortable but he didn’t know why.

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

“Seriously?!?” Daria said slapping Connor on the arm. “You asked if you could ask her out right after she asked him out?”

“Hey, I was confused. I plead stupidity. I had never been on a date and all of a sudden this girl is asking out Jude and I freaked out and didn’t know why” Connor tried to explain. “The only thing that made sense was that I must have liked Maddie and I didn’t want Jude to date her” he said like it made sense.

“Or you didn’t want Maddie anywhere near your man” Taylor said sarcastically.

Connor looked at her and rolled his eyes. “Of course that was it Taylor. I was threatened by her. I didn’t want anyone asking Jude out and taking him away but I didn’t understand that yet. I just knew I didn’t like it. We were just becoming friends and I really liked hanging out with him. He wasn’t like any of my other friends. Being with him was completely different from the other guys and I didn’t know why. With Jude, I never felt I was competing or having to prove myself like I did with them. I mean we could play against each other in video games and go full on combat mode and no matter who won or lost, it was great and I had fun. But when I played my other friends, you fought to win and if you didn’t it was this big deal. Jude cheered me on even when I beat him.”

Connor smiled. “Look, I was falling for Jude even before then, but I had never felt like that or even had the idea that I could feel that way. I mean I hadn’t really felt attracted to any girl so I just thought I was too young or something. I really liked being around Jude and doing stuff with him but nothing I didn’t do with my other friends, but it still felt better” he explained.

Taylor and Daria just looked at each other and smiled. “Aww” they both said together.

“Ugh!” Connor groaned. “Look if you are going to get worked up every time I was an idiot or did something stupid, we are not going to get anywhere…trust me” Connor warned them.

“Okay” Taylor promised. “We will limit our comments to only those times you were a complete idiot.”

“Still too many times” Connor muttered.

**BACK TO ADOPTION WEEK**

The next day Connor walked in to their science class but he hadn’t seen Jude yet. He wanted to apologize for the whole Maddie thing. It was obvious that Jude was bothered by him wanting to ask her out, even if he didn’t like her exactly. Hi might not be sure and was trying to be cool when Connor asked so he would back off.

He stepped in and saw Maddie walk in behind Jude and tap his shoulder.

“Did you ask your moms? About the movie? Can you go?” Maddie asked looking very nervous. Connor felt bad for her because he knew what Jude was going to say.

“Um…yeah. They said it was okay” Jude said with a smile.

Maddie’s face lit up and she smiled “Okay. Cool” she said as she walked back to her seat. Jude turned around and suddenly looked guilty when he saw Connor standing there shocked.

“I thought you said you didn’t like her” Connor found himself asking Jude surprised by what he did.

“So I changed my mind” Jude said casually.

“You only like her because I said I do” Connor said feeling angry. He did not want Jude going out with her.

“No. That’s not it” he said. Connor didn’t understand why he was doing this. Suddenly Jude stopped smiling and looked mad too “It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t like you. She likes me” he said without a wavier or tremble in his voice. Where did this Jude come from? He was like another person.

“Yeah, whatever” Connor said not believing this. How could Jude go out with her if he said he didn’t like her and he said Connor could? He thought they were friends? As he walked to his seat he turned back, wanting to make Jude feel what he was feeling “You know what?” he said as Jude turned to look at him. “I don’t think I can come to your adoption thing today” he said steeling himself against the hurt on Jude’s face when he said it. “Because, you know, it’s just for good friends and family and since I’m obviously not a good friend” he said feeling angry. But Jude looked just as mad as Connor sat down and they both ignored the other for the rest of the class. 

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

“Oh my god you are such a moron!” Taylor said with exasperation as she put her head in her hands. Daria looked just as disappointed.

“I thought we agreed to limit the interruptions” Connor said with a sigh.

“No” Daria explained “we said we would limit it for regular stupidity. But for monumental dumbassness we still would.” 

“Wow D, nice turn of phrase there” Taylor complimented her.

“Uh guys?” Connor tried to interrupt.

“Stop there Connor. We are trying to decide what to do about this one. Missing his adoption because of a girl you didn’t really like? That requires an appropriate response” Daria explained.

“You might want to wait for the end of this part of the story girls” Connor suggested.

They looked at him, still unhappy, but gestured to go on.

**BACK TO ADOPTION DAY**

Connor was sitting at home when his mom walked in and told him to be ready to go in an hour. He hadn’t told her he wasn’t going yet mainly because he was really ashamed of what he said to Jude. Thinking about it, he realized he didn’t really like Maddie all that much and he wasn’t even sure why it had bothered him that they were going to go out, but it had. He also realized that he didn’t want to lose Jude’s friendship over it but he was sure that Jude was probably really mad at him now and wouldn’t want him there.

Connor was trying to decide what to do when his phone gave a text alert.

 **Jude:** Hey. I am really sorry about today. I am not sure what happened. I was surprised when Maddie asked me and I found myself saying yes even though I really don’t want to go. I will tell her tomorrow I can’t go. I’m really sorry. If you are not too mad, I hope you might still come today.

Connor smiled when he looked at the text. He still liked me and wanted me there! Running upstairs Connor got cleaned up so he would look nice for the courthouse and then yelled for his mom to come on so they wouldn’t be late. It wasn’t until he was getting out of the car that he realized that he hadn’t even thought about Jude saying he could go out with Maddie.

Looking up he saw Jude standing there in his coat and tie looking nervous. Connor saw the rest of the family and a bunch of girls Callie’s age he didn’t know standing behind Jude.

“Hey” Connor said nervous how Jude would react to seeing him. 

Jude smiled when he saw Connor. “Hey! You got my message” Jude said happily and Connor tried to keep from smiling at how happy he sounded. “I wasn’t sure you’d come” he said looking down and all nervous.

“Well it’s for family and friends right?” Connor said with a smile and Jude smiled back before he looked serious.

“Um…I’m sorry about the whole Maddie thing” he said looking ashamed and Connor felt his stomach start to un-clench. “If you like her then you should…” he started.

“Nah” Connor said shaking his head. “Maybe all three of us can go see a movie sometime?” Connor reached out and shook his shoulder as Jude’s face lit up with happiness. 

“Hey Connor” Callie said coming around the corner. 

“Hey Callie” he replied. Callie still made him nervous for some reason, not like Mariana. 

“I can’t believe this is about to happen” Jude said smiling at Callie like he was going to explode “we’re about to get adopted.”

Just then Stef walked up to them “Hey guys. Hey Connor, how are you” she said looking at him with a smile.

“Uh hey” he replied. Stef made him nervous but he didn’t know why. She was always so nice to him whenever he visited but he always had the feeling that he was doing something wrong when she looked at him. He guessed it was because she was a cop.

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

“So you did go to the adoption?” Taylor said.

“Yes I did, even though Callie wasn’t adopted, they were still able to do Jude’s. He didn’t want to get adopted without her but she forced it so he would be safe and happy” Connor explained. “There was an issue because she and Jude had different dads so they didn’t have permission to adopt her. They are still working on that even now.”

“I wondered about that” Taylor said satisfied. “I mean I knew Jude and Callie were brother and sister, but Jude was an ‘Adams-Foster’ but Callie was still a ‘Jacob’ so now that makes sense.”

“So you don’t like Stef huh?” Daria asked with a smirk.

“Actually I really like Stef…now. At that time she really made me nervous and I didn’t know why” he explained. 

“Maybe she knew you liked Jude?” Taylor suggested.

“No. I think Lena thought that, but according to Jude, Stef was really surprised that I liked him. She thought that he had a crush on me but that it wasn’t mutual” he told them.

“Wow, so I bet she was surprised” Daria laughed.

“Oh yeah” Connor admitted. “When I went over to their house after I got out of the hospital and had to face both his moms not as his friend but as his boyfriend.”

Taylor and Daria both giggled. “Bet that was fun” Taylor laughed.

“Not really. It was really strange to have them look at us like that. I mean Lena kind of guessed so she wasn’t surprised, but Stef was still a little shocked. Then we got sat down as they told us the new rules whenever we hung out which was really embarrassing” Connor shuddered at the memory.

“New rules?” Daria said confused.

“No closed doors when we were in his room and…well, stuff like that” Connor said seriously blushing at the memory.

Taylor and Daria laughed causing his blush to get even worse. “Oh this is so great” Daria said happily. She laughed even harder when Connor looked stricken by her words “Sorry Connor, but this is payback!”

Taylor snickered at that and Connor sighed. “I know.”

“So, have you gotten the ‘hurt our brother’ speech yet?” Taylor asked.

Connor put his head down on the table and groaned. “Guess that’s a yes?” Daria offered. “Think so” Taylor replied.

“I hate you both” Connor said not looking up.

The girls just smiled at each other seeing the normally confident and put together Connor acting all gushy and embarrassed. This could really be fun!


	14. Batting cages and other monsters

**_AT THE BEACH_ **

Connor paused knowing that things were going to get a lot tougher for him now and he knew that the girls were going to have problems with this so he needed to prepare them. “Okay, listen…the next part is…it’s just that I need you to not interrupt me okay?” he says looking at them carefully. “Things are going to start getting…bad…and it’s hard enough to talk about this stuff so you need to let me get through it.”

Taylor and Daria looked at each other with the traces of laughter from previous story fading but something in Connor’s voice warns Taylor. “How bad?” she asks nervously.

“Bad…but not the worst of things. That’s still to come. But…I’m not proud of this part, so please just…don’t” Connor pleads. The girls nod, no longer laughing.

 

**_WEDNESDAY MORNING AT THE STEVENS’ HOUSE_ **

“Connor – BREAKFAST!” Connor hears his dad yelling from downstairs.

Pulling his head through his red and grey baseball hoodie Connor heads downstairs to the kitchen. His parents are both there, his dad sitting down while his mom is shuffling around as he sits down and his mom puts a plate of eggs, toast, and sausage in front of him. “Milk or OJ” his mom asks with a smile. 

“OJ” Connor says happily looking over at his dad who is sipping on his coffee looking at some papers from work.

“You look all excited this morning” his mom teases him.

“Yeah” Connor agrees happily. “Dad is taking Jude and me to the batting cages after school” he tells her. 

“Sounds like fun” she smiles but she looks tired to Connor. 

Connor nods, his mouth full, before continuing his breakfast.

“Connor I will bring your bag…is it packed and ready?” his dad asks him.

“Yessir” Connor replies. “I even packed an extra helmet for Jude” he says with a smile.

Connor pretends he doesn’t see his dad looking at his mom and smiling. Finishing up he runs upstairs to brush his teeth before heading out to school.

Arriving at school he heads for his locker and smiles when he sees Jude getting his books. “Hey Jude!” he says smiling at their private joke. Jude rolls his eyes at him which causes Connor to smirk. “You excited about going to the batting cages?” he asks excitement clear in his voice.

“Sure…but I haven’t really played that much. I probably won’t be any good” Jude warns him.

“I don’t care” Connor says smiling. “Besides, the whole point of going there is to practice and get better. Anyway, it’s fun just going there when there’s no pressure of a game or anything. You’ll see. Besides, my dad is really good at baseball. He played in high school and college and he has taught me. Even coached my t-ball team way back when” Connor assured him with a smile. “He’s a great coach, trust me, he can help you learn.”

“That’s cool” Jude replies with a smile as they walked off to class.

 

 ** _AFTER SCHOOL_**  
Jude and Connor are standing together after school waiting for Connor’s dad to pick them up. “Thanks for inviting me to come along” Jude says excited to be going. Connor smiles at him and laughs. 

“You already said that” he teases his friend. Connor bumps their shoulders together and laughs at Jude’s reaction.

“I know…it’s just really nice of your dad to take us” Jude tells him.

“Well, to be honest dad and I were going to go anyways” Connor confesses. “We normally go to the cages to practice every Wednesday after school.” He laughs at the look of surprise on Jude’s face. “My dad is pretty serious about baseball” Connor tells him.

“I guess” Jude says suddenly uncertain. “Are you sure he won’t mind me coming along?”

“Sure!” Connor promises. “I told him that you didn’t play but that you wanted to learn so he was glad to have you come along” Connor assures him. “There he is” Connor says pointing to his dad’s car.

They get in and head to the park and once there they head straight to the batting cages while his dad moves to a small building. Connor set’s their bag on the bench and he changes out his Vans for cleats. “So what do we do?” Jude asks trying to not feel nervous.

“Dad is getting tokens. You put one in the machine there” Connor points “and the machine will pitch you 15 balls. You swing until you go through all of them. The dial lets you change the speed from slow, to medium or fast. Probably best to start on slow. You stand on the plate and just keep swinging. The important thing is to not be nervous.”

Jude looks over at Adam who is coming back with a stack of tokens. “Okay boys, take your places” he tells them placing some tokens on each of the two boxes that they will be using. 

Connor gets in the cage he picked out, hat on his head, and puts a token in and starts swinging. Jude watches for a minute before he steps into the cage next to Connor. “Jude” Adam calls out. Jude looks over and Adam is standing there with a helmet in his hand smiling. “You need to put on your helmet. Don’t want you to get hurt” he says with a chuckle.

Jude blushes and takes the blue helmet and puts in on and then stands nervously in the cage before looking over at Connor. Taking a breath, Jude goes over and puts one of the tokens in the machine after making sure the dial is pointing to slow. He then steps back to the plate. Connor successfully keeps from chuckling at how nervous Jude obviously looks. 

“Alright? Alright Jude, keep your eye on the ball buddy” Adam said encouragingly. Connor is really proud of his dad being so nice to Jude.

The first ball came shooting out of the pitching machine and Jude jumped back afraid it was going to hit him. Connor swung his bat to look like he was practicing but he was done with the first set of balls and wanted to watch Jude but he knew his dad would call him on it if he wasn’t taking advantage of the time there, so he just swung the bat back and forth while he watched them.

Adam smiled and laughed a bit “Takes a little getting used to. Hang in there kid” Adam chuckled at Jude’s nerves. 

Jude stepped back up looking determined. This time he didn’t duck, but swung really hard. Unfortunately he forgot his grip and his bat went flying right across the batting area before bouncing along the ground. Connor chuckled quietly but he felt really bad for Jude.

“You might want to hold on the bat a little tighter” Adam suggested. “Here, grab another one.” Connor felt really strange watching Jude and his dad and then his dad looked over at him and saw him watching instead of batting. 

“Hey Connor, let’s go! C’mon let’s throw a token in there and see what you got” his dad ordered “C’mon buddy.” Connor sighed knowing his break was over.

Connor put another token in and got back up to the plate. He looked over at Jude and saw him watching him and he didn’t know why, but he suddenly felt really nervous. “What’d we talk about this year?” his dad asked. 

“Balance and torque” Connor replied automatically. His dad had been constantly talking about how to improve Connor’s batting. He had good skills he knew, especially compared to the other guys on the team, but it seemed like no matter what he did it wasn’t enough to satisfy his dad.

“All right, let’s go, let’s see what you got” his dad said clapping his hands together in his coach voice. Connor had heard that voice on a regular basis growing up and it seemed lately that he heard it more than his dad voice. The voice that said that he could do better, be better, that drove him to perform. Athletics were a big deal in his house and he liked playing sports…being on a team, but to be honest he liked soccer better because he was just one of the guys on the team. He felt more alone in baseball even though there were other guys, it was just different. But he knew he was really good at baseball...he was usually the best player on his team where in soccer he was just one of the guys...just a bit above average. 

Connor swung the bat but he knew even before the bat started the swing that he was off. “Hey! Your head’s moving all over the place” Adam called out, he tossed his head back and forth like a wet noodle, exaggerating Connor’s own movements. “You’re all over.”

Connor swallowed down any response both because he knew his dad was right, but he also knew not to talk back to coaches, even ones he was related to. He saw Jude look over at him with a concerned look and Connor quickly looked away feeling ashamed. He tightened his grip and swung at the next ball. 

“Connor! Pivot the back foot” Adam told him demonstrating what he wanted him to do. “Pivot. Pivot like this!” he told him showing him again the proper stance. Connor was getting more and more flustered as he kept seeing Jude glance over at him worry clear on his face. Connor knew he was good at baseball and he had looked forward to showing off to Jude but instead he kept messing up and his dad kept pointing out his mistakes in front of Jude.

He swung again hitting the ball clearly this time. “That’s better” his dad replies. 

Jude catches the edge of a ball on his next swing and Connor can see his smile light up his face as the ball takes a small arc before bouncing across the cages as it sailed almost sideways. Connor smirked at him and how happy it made him.

“Hey! Way to go” Adam claps “good job!” he says encouraging Jude and Connor feels something settle coldly in the pit of his stomach as he tries to remember the last time that he heard that tone of voice from his dad for something he had done. “Nice hit. Good job” Adam claps and chuckles.

“Look…that front foot has to land in the same place every time” Adam tells Connor repeatedly placing his foot down as he turns back to watching Connor, his voice once again critical instead of supportive. Connor’s grip tightens on the bat at the sudden change in tone. 

“It slipped” Connor says trying to explain as he swings again.

“No excuses! C’mon” Adam cuts him off. Connor swings but doesn’t come near the ball.

“Hey, what’s the matter with you? Your focus is all over the place today” Adam questions him. Connor tries to shut out everything but the ball but he can feel Jude’s eyes on him. 

The rest of their time there gets slightly better. Connor tries to focus but he knows he is not at his best even though he hits nine out of ten balls, his dad is constantly correcting his stance, form, and follow through. Jude only losses one more bat, to Connor’s amusement, but he does get better hitting the balls. His dad always says something nice when he gets a hit including one or two really good ones where Jude hits it almost perfectly causing his whole face to light up.

After they finish, Connor goes to sit down on the bench to wait for Jude to finish his set of balls and starts packing up the bags. His dad is over talking with another father, Connor doesn’t know who, but they are obviously ‘baseball dads’ as Connor labels them in his head. He just feels so frustrated. This has been one of his worse times at the batting cages performance-wise and he doesn’t know why. He was so excited to be able to come today with Jude but once he was here, Connor couldn’t focus, he was making mistakes, and his dad was all over him. Connor knew he was better than this but he was having a bad day and his dad wasn’t cutting him any slack.

Jude walked over and sat down on the bench. “You’re really good” Jude complimented him and Connor could tell he was being sincere.

Connor looked up at the smile on Jude’s face and felt a little better about today. “Not good enough” he replied taking the batting helmet from Jude to put it back in the bag. 

“I thought you did great. Way better than me” Jude told him and Connor could tell he felt bad for not being very good even though it was his first time.

Connor leaned over to finish up putting his sneakers back on. “I’m supposed to be good at this” he said disappointed in himself as he tied the laces on his shoes. He doesn’t know why he is saying that, Connor knows he is good at baseball, but he is just confused by today. Then he feels Jude patting his back encouragingly and he leaves his hand there for a few seconds to show support and Connor is surprised by how much better he feels when he does that. Connor really appreciates the gesture.

They finish packing up and head to the car and Connor and Jude are talking about Dawn of Armageddon IV that is coming out and how much they want to play it. “Do you think you can stay over this weekend?” Jude asks Connor.

“Probably” Connor says without looking at his dad who is driving up front. “I will check and let you know” he promises looking forward to it. Jude has some great games whenever he comes over and Connor likes going to his house even if it is crowded, loud, and Jesus is kind of a pain. There is so much going on over there all the time that it’s fun for Connor, and Jude’s moms are really nice, even if one of them is the Vice-Principal.

They drop Jude off at his house and Connor jumps into the front seat and waves as his dad drives off. “Thanks again for taking Jude today” Connor tells his dad. Adam just grunts but doesn’t say anything and they drive in silence to the house. Parking in the driveway, Connor grabs his bags and runs in the house with his bag. Smelling dinner Connor drops the bag down before heading into the kitchen seeing his mom cooking.

“Smells great mom” Connor says with a smile as he comes over and kisses her cheek. He hears his dad come in behind him. 

“Dinner will be ready in about an hour” his mom tells him. “Why don’t you go take your shower and get changed and you can then eat and do your homework before bed?”

Connor nods and grabs a slice of tomato off the cutting board and taking a bite before running upstairs as he hears his mom ask his dad how it went.

Showered and dressed for bed, Connor heads down and sits at the table as his mom finishes putting out the dinner as they sit down to eat. His mom and dad talk about random stuff for a bit before she asks him about school and their time at the cages. Connor answers with excitement before he remembers. “Oh…Jude wanted to know if I could stay over on Friday at his house” Connor said smiling. “He thinks he might get a new video game and we could play.”

His mom smiles and opens her mouth but before she can say anything his dad cuts in. “I don’t think so Connor” he says.

Connor looks at his dad confused and notices that his mother is as well. “Why?”

“You have been spending a lot of time over there Connor and I think you need to maybe spend some time with your other friends” Adam says simply.

Connor looks stunned and when he turns towards his mom he can tell she doesn’t get it either. “I don’t understand dad” Connor says. “Jude’s my best friend.”

“Well maybe you should get a different best friend” Adam says his voice becoming harsher. “One who is a little more like you and not so…different.”

“Adam, what are you talking about?” his mom asks looking at his dad like he grew a second head.

“I don’t think that Connor should be hanging around that kid, okay?” Adam growls.

“But he’s my friend” Connor says getting upset. Why was his dad acting like this? He was so nice to Jude just a few hours ago. He thought he liked him.

“Adam, Jude is a very nice, polite boy. He has been very sweet when he comes over and he and Connor are obviously close…” his mom tries.

“Maybe too close” Adam mutters.

Connor feels like his blood freeze when hears his dad say that. “What do you mean Adam?” his mom says, her voice getting louder. “How could they be too close?”

Connor wants to say something, make it stop, but he just can’t. His dad looks at him and it makes Connor feel scared and he doesn’t know why.

“I just think that kid may have some ulterior motive for hanging around Connor and I think it would be safer if they didn’t hang out” Adam told his mom, but he looked at Connor.

‘Didn’t hang out’ Connor heard his dad’s words. It wasn’t that he couldn’t sleep over but now they couldn’t be friends? Connor’s mouth went dry and he felt his dinner turn to lead in his stomach.

“Adam you are being crazy” his mom laughed. “That boy doesn’t have a sneaky bone in his body. What possible motive could he have for being Connor’s friend other than that they like each other?”

“Jude likes Connor…a little too much is what I am saying” Adam clarifies and Connor sees the shock on his mom’s face as she digests his dad’s words. 

“Adam…are you even listening to yourself? You cannot possibly think that…that” she stammers.

“I saw them at the cages” he tells her. “He had his hand on Connor and it wasn’t as a friend. I know you may not see it, but that kid is gay and I don’t want him around Connor.” 

Connor suddenly can’t breathe. He feels his throat swell and he feels like throwing up. Jude gave him a pat on the back after a tough time and his dad made it into something…bad…and he doesn’t understand why. His parents are arguing back and forth when his mom suddenly turns toward Connor. “Connor, please go to your room so your father and I can talk” she says it trying to sound calm but he can see she is upset and he can tell. Connor leaves as fast as he can without running.

He hears them fighting from his room. They are yelling but he can’t hear the specifics because he has shut his door and wrapped his pillow around his head. They yell for a long time. They have been fighting a lot more recently, when they even talk, but this feels different and Connor feels like it’s his fault.

It is before bed and he is coming back from brushing his teeth when his dad steps into his room. “Connor you are not staying over at Jude’s house and I don’t want you hanging around him anymore” he tells him and Connor feels horrible. He was hoping his mom would be able to convince his dad.

“Dad, Jude is my friend” Connor tries to explain but his dad cuts him off.

“I don’t want to talk about it Connor. I said no and that’s final” Adam says with finality and closes the door behind him. Connor lays down and feels himself starting to cry as he wonders how he is going to tell Jude.

 

**_BACK AT THE BEACH_ **

Connor pauses and looks up at Taylor and Daria and sees the shock and surprise in their faces. He sighs knowing how much worse it’s going to get. 

“Your dad said you couldn’t be friends because Jude patted your back in sympathy after he had spent the afternoon yelling at you?” Daria asked looking horrified.

Taylor didn’t look horrified. She looked pissed. “That asshole!” she snarled. Daria turned to her sharply as Connor sighed knowing how bad his dad is going to sound in all of this by the time they get to the end. Of course he isn’t going to look too good either he knows.

“What about your mom?” Daria asked looking for some kind of hope.

“Her and my dad were fighting and looking back this seemed to be the final straw” Connor said sadly. “Looking back I think it was how dad treated Jude that convinced mom that their marriage couldn’t be saved. He was so stubborn and…wrong…about it all that I think it showed her that he couldn’t change. Not even to save their marriage. My mom explained it some later but at that point all I knew was that my dad thought Jude was gay, I wasn’t allowed to be friends with him anymore, and my mom wasn’t standing up to him. I think at that point I somehow blamed her more for what happened somehow” he said looking back.

“What do you mean?” Taylor asked still looking pissed.

“I was mad at my dad for doing what he did, but he really believed it. My mom didn’t stand up for what she believed in and somehow in my head that was worse” Connor said trying to explain. “I guess I was mad at her for not trying harder for me.”

The girls just looked sad. “Then what happened” Daria asked and he could hear the disappointment in her voice.

 

**_THURSDAY MORNING AT ANCHOR BEACH_ **

Connor got out of his dad’s car in front of the school feeling sick but knowing he wouldn’t be allowed to stay home. He sees several of the guys from the team standing there and Connor wonders why he hadn’t talked much to them. He realized that somehow over the last few weeks that he prefers to spend most of his free time hanging out with Jude. Being around him was so much easier than with his other friends. Connor could talk to Jude about anything and he knew he wouldn’t be judged or criticized. They could talk for hours, but they could also just sit and play video games and not talk for hours and it was just…easy.

Connor started walking down the hall and he reached his locker and opened it up so he could grab his books for class when he hears Jude shut his locker across the hall and Connor feels his stomach clench in pain.

“Hey! Guess what? Moms just got me Dawn of Armageddon IV. I haven’t even played it yet” Jude said sounding so excited as he came over to stand beside Connor. “We can open it when you come over” Jude smiles happily.

Connor tried to avoid looking at him and tries to figure out how he tell him that they can’t hang out anymore because of his dad, sick knowing how people have hurt Jude in the past and now he is going to be one of them. Finally he gives up and looks over at the boy standing next to him smiling. “I can’t spend the night” Connor finally says trying not to meet Jude’s trusting eyes.

“Oh. Okay.” Jude says sadly but then recovers and smiles again. “What about Saturday” Jude suggests.

Connor feels like crap seeing the happiness on Jude’s face as he sits there waiting for a response, looking at Connor so trusting and carefree ,and knowing that he is going to take that away. “I kinda can’t sleep over at your house…ever” Connor admits sadly.

Connor feels it when Jude’s face goes slack as he looks at him. He can see Jude trying to process what Connor said and not coming up with an answer that makes any sense. He finally asks “What?”

Connor cringes. “It’s my dad okay?” he tries to explain but he doesn’t want to hurt Jude but he doesn’t know how he can avoid it. “He won’t let me.” Please don’t ask why Connor prays.

Jude’s eye narrow in confusion. “Why?” he asks and Connor groans inside.

Connor knows that he can’t say it but he doesn’t want Jude to think that it’s him. He looks at Jude and honestly tries to come up with a lie that would work but he can’t. “I…” he suddenly freezes.

“It’s okay” Jude assures him, trying to make Connor feel better which just makes it worse “just…tell me.” 

Connor tries not to look at him but he feels terrible and needs to somehow make it better. “I know it’s not true but…” Connor feels the words sticking in his throat “…my dad won’t let me sleep over because he thinks you’re gay.” As soon as the words leave his mouth he looks up and sees the pain appear in Jude’s face, the pain that he put there. “I know you’re not” Connor says quickly to reassure Jude. “I just…I have to do what he says” he shrugs feeling deeply ashamed. “I’m sorry” he says sincerely.

Jude just looks at him, the sadness and disappointment written clear and Connor can’t take it. He turns back towards his locker wishing he was anywhere else and feeling really mad at his dad.

“What if I was gay” Connor hears Jude ask quietly. Turning around as he shut the locker he sees Jude standing there looking at him and Connor somehow knew he was asking something really important.

“What do you mean?” Connor asks and he wondered if his dad might have been right and why the thought of that made Connor’s heart suddenly race.

“Would you not want to sleep over at my house if I really was gay?” Jude asked Connor. Those eyes were looking right at him, right through him. Connor froze not knowing what to say as Jude stood there waiting for Connor to say something and he knew what he should say something but he couldn’t find his voice. He couldn’t meet those brown eyes while he was feeling so confused and ashamed. He tried. He really did. But every time he looked up those eyes cut into him like a knife to his chest and he just looked down and didn’t say anything. After a few seconds Jude just got this look of betrayal and hurt on his face, nodded as if he was agreeing with something only he could hear and he turned around and left Connor standing there. 

Connor watched him walk away feeling sick. He never looked back…not even once. Connor walked to his class and though he hoped it wouldn’t happen, Jude didn’t speak to him the rest of the day. He didn’t see him at lunch and in their classes Jude wouldn’t meet his eyes and he couldn’t think of what he was supposed to say to make it better.

Connor went home and the feeling in the house was tense, the air thick with unhappiness. His mom was laying down with a migraine and his dad was grumbling and looking at his papers from work. Connor knew better to try and talk to either of them when they were like this. Connor grabbed a banana and a power bar and went to his room and shut the door. He didn’t come out for the rest of the night and he wasn’t sure if he was happy or sad that no one even came to check on him. Going to sleep he kept seeing that look on Jude’s face and the moment that Jude’s face went from happy to confused to betrayed.

Connor did not sleep very well but he hoped that he could make Jude understand that he wasn’t his dad and he didn’t care about that stuff.

 

**_FRIDAY MORNING AT ANCHOR BEACH_ **

Connor had looked for Jude all morning but he couldn’t find him. He was sure that Jude would show up for lunch so that Connor could talk to him. He wanted to let Jude know he didn’t care whether or not he was gay. He just wanted his friend back. But he couldn’t find him. He had looked both inside and out during lunch but Jude wasn’t anywhere to be found and he couldn’t think of who to ask. If he saw any of Jude’s brothers or sisters he would ask them, but the high school ate lunch at a different time from the middle school students.

Connor walked out of cafeteria after scarfing down a fast lunch since he used up almost all of his time looking for Jude. He was scanning the hallway as he walked to class when he saw the familiar green shirt and brown hair and he ran to catch up with Jude. “Hey, wait up. Where you been? I was looking for you at lunch” Connor said to him but Jude didn’t reply. He didn’t even look at him or even acknowledge that he was there…he just kept walking.

They walked along and Connor waited for Jude to say something…anything, but it was like Connor wasn’t even there and it was killing him. “Is this about what my dad said?” Connor asked Jude hoping to get Jude to talk to him or give him any kind of reaction. Jude just kept walking away from him and Connor knew he had to tell Jude he didn’t care after he didn’t say anything yesterday when Jude had asked. “Cause I don’t care if you’re…you know. If that’s what you are.” Connor said but Jude just kept walking not looking at him. ‘Why won’t you talk to me?’ Connor wanted to yell but he knew why and he didn’t want Jude to actually say it. But the fear of losing his friend made his mouth keep talking though he wanted to Jude to know it didn’t matter, but a part of him still wanted to know. “Are you?” Connor hears himself asking nervously, surprising himself more than Jude he thinks.

But Jude stops walking suddenly and turns around to look at him causing Connor to stop in surprise. “What? Gay?” Jude asks not whispering or even looking nervous as he stares Connor down. “You can say it. It’s not a bad word” he tells Connor. “But why do I have to be anything?” he asks. 

“What do you mean?” Connor asked confused. He doesn’t get what Jude is saying but he feels glad that at least he is finally talking to me Connor thinks.

“Why does everyone go around labeling people all the time” Jude says sounding frustrated “putting us in boxes? I don’t get it.” 

Connor feels a rush of embarrassment as he gets it that now thinks that he was one of those people trying to label Jude…trying to stick him in box like his dad had done based on one pat on the back that Connor had really appreciated when Jude had done it. “No. You’re right. I’m sorry” Connor tells him feeling ashamed. “I won’t do that anymore” he promises and he means it. He doesn’t want to be like his dad and he gets that Jude shouldn’t have to tell Connor anything he doesn’t want to, especially something so personal.

“And what about your dad?” Jude asks him startling Connor’s train of thought. “He doesn’t want us hanging out…right?”

Connor’s gut clenches in fear. He doesn’t like how this sounds. “He doesn’t have to know” Connor assures Jude with a smile for being willing to defy his dad. He isn’t willing to let Jude go no matter what his dad thinks.

But the look on pity on Jude’s face is like a slam to the gut and causes Connor to feel his heart racing and his breath become shallow. “Yeah, I…” Jude starts to say but his head is shaking no “I don’t want to be anybody’s secret.” Connor feels like he is going to throw up as Jude looks him straight in the eye. He suddenly remembers when Jude was cornered by Blake and Jeremey. Knowing they were picking on him, Jude didn’t run or cower, he stood up for himself knowing that he couldn’t win the fight but being willing to stand up for himself knowing what would most likely happen to him. Connor was seeing that look but this time it was directed at him and he didn’t like it. “Tell you dad it was nice knowing you” Jude said and walked off again. Connor swallowed the sudden nausea that he feels to his toes as he looks after his friend and he honestly doesn’t know what to do. All he can do is watch as, once again, Jude walks away from Connor and doesn’t look back.

 

**_BACK AT THE BEACH_ **

Connor stops talking and takes a deep breath thinking that telling this was not as bad as he was afraid it was going to be. He remembers that week as the first major issue that they faced and Connor was the one who failed them. Unfortunately it would be a pattern with him and Jude but he had thought that they were through all of this and were finally okay.

“Okay” Taylor said into the silence. “I know that this must get fixed but…” she trails off.

Connor looks over at Daria and she is just looking at him, looking so disappointed. He wonders if she has any idea how many times he messed up and whether telling them is the right thing.

“What are you thinking” Daria asks quietly.

“Whether I should be telling you this” he answers honestly.

Daria and Taylor look at each other for a moment before answering. “To be honest Connor I didn’t expect you to be this…honest” Daria said carefully. “I hope you will continue because I am starting to realize something that is important. It’s something I am not liking to be honest, but I need to know.”

Taylor looks at her confused. “What?” she asks Daria.

Daria, however, is looking at Connor who isn’t meeting her eyes. “You didn’t cheat on me with Jude did you?” Daria finally asks. Connor looks right at her, meeting her eyes before he looks at Taylor’s confused face.

“I think I’m confused” Taylor says to the two of them.

“Connor cheated…but he wasn't cheating on me...he was cheating on Jude” she said simply and Connor just sighed. He really hoped she wouldn’t have gotten it that quickly but Daria was smart, as smart as Taylor, but she didn’t let most people to realize that.

Connor looked at them and sighed. “Yeah” he admitted. Daria nodded at his confession and leaned back. She had been mad at Jude ever since she had heard Connor confirm they were together at the beach though she had acted like she was okay. She tried to be okay but there was that piece of her that was holding on to the feeling that Jude had somehow ‘stolen’ Connor away from her, even knowing it wasn’t true if Connor was gay, but she couldn’t help it. But now that last piece just crumbled away when she recognized that she was the thief in this this story and she didn’t like it. Looking at Connor suddenly became a lot harder for her.


	15. Spin the Bottle

**AT THE BEACH**

“Um, okay” Taylor finally said trying to break the silence that was growing between Connor and Daria. “I’m a bit confused. Were you and Jude “together” together when you got shot?” Taylor asked carefully.

Connor leaned forward and sighed. “It’s complicated” he finally responded. He heard Daria’s huff in reaction but decided it was better to pretend he hadn’t. “We…we hadn’t ‘said’ anything yet. I hadn’t even told him I was gay at that point…I hadn’t really admitted it to myself honestly, so while I could argue that we were not together yet, that it isn’t exactly true either. If my dad hadn’t reacted the way he did, we probably would have been. If I had stood up for myself sooner, we would have been. I wanted to be with Jude and I would have said or done anything for that to happen.”

“Including lying” Daria said clearly unhappy.

Connor looked up at her and nodded. “Yes. I was willing to lie to you so I could still be with Jude even if we were only something in between friends and boyfriends” Connor admitted. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone but I ended up hurting everyone” he said sadly.

Daria frowned as she thought that through. Obviously she was hurt by what Connor had done and if Jude had feelings for him, seeing him with Daria would have hurt him too. She looked back at the blonde boy in front on him and realized how much he too had been hurt by his choices. Not just the gunshot wound, but the toll on his own identity. Her uncle had told her about how hard it had been for him growing up gay and he had a very loving and supportive family. Daria realized how much harder it would be when your family didn’t accept you.

Taylor coughed slightly breaking the tension again. “So since Jude was really hurt by everything…so how did you fix it?” she asked trying to prod Connor back into talking. He looked at her for a moment before smiling slightly and continuing.

 

**STEVENS HOUSE – FRIDAY NIGHT**

Connor had come home after school to an empty house with a feeling of relief. Things had been getting worse between his parents lately. In the past his mom had usually avoided arguing with his dad, just going along with whatever he wanted to do and when she didn’t want to be involved he would say she wasn’t feeling good. Connor had picked up on the fact that her ‘headaches’ almost always seemed to happen after his dad had said or done something that had made her mad.

Connor went up to his room and flopped down on his bed with a huge sigh. He had totally screwed things up with Jude but he didn’t know what he should have done differently. Connor hated lying and he seemed to be doing it more and more often lately. But when Jude had asked him why he couldn’t come over he didn’t want to lie to him. He told him hoping Jude would understand and that after his dad calmed down then things would go back to normal but then he asked that question.

Connor wasn’t prepared when Jude asked him if it would have mattered to Connor if Jude really was gay. However, now that he thought about it, he realized that he should have expected it. Jude had two moms and he wanted to know if Connor was like his dad in what he thought about gay people. If Jude had just asked about them, Connor wouldn’t have been caught off-guard and shut down. 

Connor knew Jude wasn’t like other kids their age so he shouldn’t have been surprised when he asked what he did, but when he did…Connor froze. He suddenly wondered if Jude might really be gay, an idea that had been popping up in his thoughts ever since his dad had mentioned it, and the thought of it being actually true didn’t upset Connor, but it did make him feel…strange.

Connor woke up later and headed downstairs to look for some food. He had slept about an hour and he played some video games until 7pm when he realized that was hungry. He wondered why his mom or dad hadn't come to tell him to come down for dinner. Walking in to the empty kitchen he paused wondering where they were. 

“Connor” he heard his dad call from the other room. Walking into the family room he saw his dad moving around putting on a jacket and looking like he was leaving.

“Dad? Where’s mom?” he asked his father.

“Your mom is visiting a friend this weekend” he said not looking at him. He grabbed his keys before turning around. “I ordered a pizza earlier and there is some in the oven. I need to go take care of some work things so I will probably be a bit late. Be sure you are in bed by 11pm” he told Connor.

Adam walked out of the house and Connor stood there confused. Walking to the kitchen he grabbed some pizza before going to watch some TV. He ate about half the pizza before he pulled out his phone and thought about whether or not Jude would reply if he called. He saw a post pop up from one of the guys on the Anchor Beach high school baseball team about a party at the Foster’s house and he smiled. If his dad was out, he could go over and see Jude! 

 

**ADAMS-FOSTER HOUSE – LATER THAT NIGHT**

Connor walked down the street towards Jude’s house and he heard the party before he saw it. It wasn’t too loud, and the crowd wasn’t too bad, but it was a party. He walked into the house and saw a guy with floppy hair “Hey…is Jude here?” he asked. Connor thought it was Callie’s friend Wyatt.

“Um…upstairs” Wyatt replied and pointed Connor towards the stairs. Connor steps in the house and hears Wyatt whispering “Hurry, hurry, hurry.” Connor darts across the room and narrowly avoids running into Callie who was dealing with some problem with the bathroom. Wyatt waves him to go on while he distracts Callie’s attention and Connor smiles.

He pauses outside of Jude’s open door, listening to see if he can hear anything. Taking a deep breath he hears several voices inside. “I’ll go check the game closet” Connor hears Jude say.

“What about…Spin the Bottle” he hears a girl’s voice say. Chelsea?

“Um…” Connor snickers at how Jude sounds panicked. “We don’t have a bottle.” Connor snorts and covers his mouth. ‘Really Jude…’ he thinks and shakes his head.

“There’s an app for that” the girl replies and Connor is dying to see Jude’s face at that moment. He wonders what Jude will say…

“Well there are only three of us…” Jude stammers and Connor decides that’s the best line he will ever get and he knocks on the door frame and walks in. 

“Hey” he says wondering if Jude will even talk to him.

“Hey” Jude replies looking both surprised and relieved. “What are you…” he tries to ask.

“I told my dad I wanted to come over” Connor says quickly hoping to impress Jude.

“And he said it was okay?” Jude scrunched his face up and looked doubtful.

Connor shrugged his shoulders and smirked “I didn’t ask him if it was okay” he said and he saw how pleased Jude was when he said that and smirked again. He felt kinda bad about letting Jude think he talked with his dad about it but to be fair, he wasn’t lying…except about the telling his dad he wanted to come over he thinks.

“So you guys are having a party?” Connor asked as he walked up to Jude and looked over at the girls and confirmed that the voice he heard was Chelsea because he was pretty sure he would have recognized Maddie. That, and he also figured that Maddie would have been too shy to suggest Spin the Bottle. 

“We are” Chelsea said with a wicked gleam in her eye and she looked over at Maddie “now that there are four of us.”

Connor saw Jude’s face and smiled. He looked really nervous and scared, trapped into a corner where he didn’t want to be but not willing to say anything in front of the girls. Well if Jude really likes Maddie, here is his chance to find out and Connor can too. Besides both Maddie and Chelsea are cute so he is probably just nervous as he hasn’t kissed someone before. Well to be honest neither has Connor and he is a little nervous too though he isn’t going to show it!

Chelsea orders them to all sit together on the floor on a rug. She puts her phone on the ground with the Spin the Bottle app pulled up. She sits across from Maddie with Connor and Jude sitting across from each other. “So you have to kiss whoever the bottle points to” Chelsea tells them and she seems to be looking especially long at Connor. “Those are the rules.” Connor smiles at her and then looks over at Jude who looks really nervous and then at Maddie who looks nervous, but also excited.

“Maddie” Chelsea says looking at her “you’re first.” Maddie takes a deep breath and looks really nervous all of a sudden. She taps the bottle and its spins slowing and stopping pointing at Connor. He is looking at the bottle and smirks but doesn’t look up. He gets the first kiss and it’s with Maddie, he knows Jude is not going to be happy. Glancing up he sees Jude sigh and look unhappy before he turns to Maddie who is looking at him…but she doesn’t seem too happy either. 

“Are you ready” she asks him with a slight tremor in her voice. 

Connor can tell he is not hiding his smile very well as he tries not to laugh at all of this. “Yeah” he says and leans toward Maddie. She springs forward and plants a kiss on his lips and before he can react she leans back to her seat. ‘What just happened’ Connor thinks. She looks really unhappy. ‘Was it that bad?’ he thinks.

“Okay…who’s next” Maddie says looking around and spotting Jude with a smile. “Jude?” she asks with a real smile this time. Connor gets a sick feeling, she must really like Jude. 

Jude looks suddenly nervous and he looks around at everyone. “Sure…just give me two secs” he says waiving his fingers as he jumps up and runs into the bathroom. Connor shakes his head at his friend and sees Maddie looking after him longingly. 

Jude comes back from the bathroom and apologizes for being gone so long. “Sorry. Some girl was in the bathroom and I had to get Mariana to help her.”

“No problem” Chelsea laughs, "but you missed your turn so I am going to go!" She taps the bottle and it spins landing again on Connor. Chelsea gets a big smile and turns to Connor who is smiling back at her. She leans in and kisses him and it’s much better than Maddie’s. It lasts much longer and Connor leans back thinking that it didn’t feel like he was expecting it to. It was nice, but nothing like he has heard people talk about: no electricity, no sparks, no racing heart. They set back in their seats and look at the other two.

“Okay Connor” Maddie says as he looks at her “your turn” she says sounding concerned.

Connor taps the bottle and watches it spin only to stop pointing right at Jude while it makes that kissing sound. He looks up suddenly scared and sees Jude looking down at the phone with a blank expression before looking up at Connor with his eyes widening in realization of what just happened.

Connor freezes remembering what Chelsea said. Will he have to kiss Jude? “We don’t have to kiss…do we?” Connor asks looking right at Jude wondering why his stomach was flip flopping. What would Jude say?

“Well” Chelsea drawls out with a cruel smirk “those are the rules.” She is looking at Connor and raises her eyebrows in challenge.

Connor takes a deep breath at looks back to see Jude watching him. “Fine” he says and looks Jude right in the eye.

“No!” Jude says shaking his head “This is dumb…we should stop.” Connor can see Chelsea and Maddie moving out of the corner of his eyes but he is focused on Jude and how he looks like a cornered animal. He didn’t want to admit that it hurt a bit when Jude said that.

“No it’s cool. Let’s just do it” Connor says with a confident voice trying to tell Jude to act like it’s no big deal so no one would care about it. 

Jude looks at him but doesn’t say anything else and Connor can tell he has agreed. They both brace themselves and lean forward. Connor sees Jude shut his eyes as he moves forward and he thinks it's funny how he does that. Connor leans forward…this is really going to happen…when suddenly he hears the door knob rattle and he flings himself backward, farther back than where he was originally sitting, as the door suddenly opens. Connor sees that Jude has jumped back as well and they both go pale seeing Callie standing there with Mariana behind her.

“Connor your dad’s here” Callie says.

“Oh my god, he cannot find me here!” Connor says suddenly feeling terrified. This is the worst possible thing that could have happened! He looks over, knowing his face is giving him away, and sees Jude looking confused. 

“Why not?” Jude asks obviously confused by Connor’s reaction.

He looks away but he knows he can’t avoid this. “I snuck out” Connor admits to Jude. Connor sees Jude trying to process what he just said and how sad he suddenly looks. That disappointment from the hallway at school that Connor had erased by coming over is now back even more. 

Callie grabs Connor “Come on Connor. Into our room” she waves urgently and Connor jumps up and runs after her. Mariana looks at Jude and the girls “Get up and look like you were doing something else!” she tells them as she dashes across the hall into their room and pulls the door almost closed. Suddenly they hear footsteps and Adam’s voice coming up the stairs. He and Wyatt step onto the second floor.

“Where is Jude’s room?” Adam asks curtly and Wyatt points to the door.

“I’ve only been up here a few times” Wyatt tries to say but Adam isn’t waiting and he opens Jude’s door and barges in. Callie and Mariana grab Connor and they race down the stairs as quiet as they can.

“Thank you” Connor tells them as they round the corner towards the front door. “I am going to run home. Tell Jude I’m sorry” he says before running out of the house.

Connor runs all the way home and getting there he runs inside the house and starts for his room before getting an idea. He runs in his room and puts his phone on his desk and grabs his ipod and headphones and runs back downstairs and out into the back yard where he drops into a chair and waits. 

About ten minutes later Connor sees the lights in the kitchen come on and he gives it a second and then stands up and walks in to the house. Adam looks up and sees him and Connor jumps like he was surprised. Pulling out his headphones from his ears he smiled at his father. “Hi dad…I thought you would be home late?” he said making sure to act casual.

“Where were you?” Adam asked sharply, suspicion clear in his voice.

“I fell asleep on the patio with my headphones on” Connor said faking a yawn. “Must have been more tired than I realized. Oh, thanks for the pizza by the way” he added with a smile.

Adam looks at him doubtfully but doesn’t say anything for a few minutes while Connor walks in with the plate he had grabbed to take outside with him that still has some tomato sauce on it. He walks into the kitchen to put it in the dishwasher and when he turns back he sees his dad looking at him, but the look is much less certain like he is trying to determine whether to believe him or not.

“Are we going to the batting cages tomorrow?” Connor, struck by inspiration, suddenly decides to ask.

Adam nods absentmindedly and Connor smiles “Great. I’m going to my room. Good night” he says walking to his room. Shutting the door behind him he collapses on the bed with a sigh of relief. ‘Guess all the lying is paying off…I’m getting better at it’ Connor thinks. 

 

**MONDAY MORNING - ANCHOR BEACH**

Despite a relatively easy weekend with his dad, going to the batting cages was the perfect way to distract him, Connor was feeling uneasy. His mom was not back yet and his dad was acting strangely when he asked about it. But now…now he had to deal with the thing he had been dreading all week. Connor walked into the school feeling sick knowing that, today, he was going to have to face Jude. He remembered how mad Jude had been on Friday and he had only made things worse by sneaking out and lying to Jude about it. Turning the corner he saw Jude standing there at his locker and he automatically slowed down as he approached him and hated this. Jude was his best friend and he was being rotten.

But his dad had always said that a man admits when he’s wrong and takes responsibility so Connor squared his shoulders, took a breath, and stepped up beside Jude. “Hey” he said looking down at his friend who looked at him, disappointment clearly written on Jude’s face.

“I’m sorry about the party” Connor started by saying. “I shouldn’t have said I stood up to my dad when I just snuck out.”

Jude looked up at him not saying anything.

“I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings” Connor explained but the words sounded lame even as he said them. “But you know, it wouldn’t even matter if I did stand up to my dad” Connor said suddenly feeling angry. “It’s not like I have a say…in anything.” Connor stopped at looked at Jude who just stared back without a word before turning to shut his locker.

Jude looked at him and walked away without a word as Connor stood there feeling ashamed and guilty. He would have preferred that Jude yelled at him, called him names…he could even punch him. Anything would be better than that disappointed look in those brown eyes. ‘Would you not want to sleep over at my house if I really was gay?’ Jude had asked and Connor now knew the answer was that it didn't matter to Connor, but he didn’t think that Jude would believe him now.

 

**SCIENCE CLASS**

Connor sat down in their science class and started taking notes on today’s biology lesson. He sat a few seats ahead and diagonal from Jude, but every time he had looked over at him, Jude ignored him and it was killing Connor.

“Okay” Barbara asked the class “Jude. What’s the study of how living things are classified?” she asked.

Connor looked over when he didn’t hear Jude answer. He remembered reading this chapter earlier in the week with Jude so he knew that Jude knew the answer. “C’mon you know this one” Barbara said encouragingly but Jude still didn’t say anything. “Say the first thing that comes to mind.” 

Connor turned back and looked at Jude who was just looking at Barbara without saying a word. He understood why Jude wasn’t talking to him, but why wasn’t he talking to her?

“Okay…who else can answer?” she asked turning away.

Connor looked back over his shoulder and watched Jude watch their teacher. He was clearly paying attention, but why didn’t he answer her. Connor was suddenly worried about Jude. He was always polite and respectful to teachers and even when he didn’t know something, he admitted it. 

Math class it was the same. Jude didn’t talk to him…he didn’t talk to anyone and while the teacher didn’t call on Jude, Connor noticed that several of their classmates had said hi or acknowledged Jude but he didn’t respond beyond a nod or a smile and/or wave. Connor really messed things up.

 

**TUESDAY – STEVENS HOUSE**

Connor walked home thinking of how he spent another day watching Jude sitting in silence. Today none of the teachers said anything to him or called on him so he wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. He saw Mariana and asked her if he was okay but she just looked at him and gave a trembling smile. “It’s complicated Connor” she said. “He isn’t talking right now.”

So he didn’t push or anything. He knew Jude must still be mad because every time he caught Jude’s eyes, he would turn away from Connor. It really hurt but he didn’t know what to do. He even asked Maddie if she had talked with him but she said that he smiled and waved at her, but he wasn’t saying anything to her nor was he speaking in the other class they had together. Connor had even looked for some people in Jude’s other classes but he didn’t want to draw attention to the situation so he didn’t ask anyone but he was fairly certain that he wasn’t talking.

He had been at his locker when he heard Blake and Jeremy making fun of Jude.

“Guess fairy boy foster has laryngitis” Blake laughed to Jeremy and a girl named Alicia. They were all laughing at his comment when Connor grabbed Blake’s shoulder and spun him around.

“What did you say?” Connor said stepping up to Blake who suddenly paled and tried to step back. Connor saw Jeremy look confused and Alicia’s sneer fell off her face. “Are you making fun of my friend?” Connor growled.

“No!” Blake whined but Connor wasn’t buying it and pushed him into the lockers behind him. 

“Get this Blake, Jude is my best friend and you mess with him and I will mess you up. You got me?” Connor snarled at the other boy who just shook his head. Connor turned to Jeremy and pinned him with a glare. “That goes for anyone else too. And just in case you are wondering, you might want to remember his brother is Jesus Foster, the big guy on the wrestling team” Connor looked over at Alicia and added “and his sister is Callie Jacob…you know the girl from Juvie?” Connor smiled when he saw her go pale. “Anyone who bothers or makes fun of him and you can bet that we will make them regret it…no matter who it is” Connor shoved Blake as he let go and stomped off leaving the three behind him staring after him.

His heart was pounding as he tried to get himself under control when he slammed into someone as he turned the corner. “Sorry” he muttered as he looked up and froze. Brandon!

“Connor” Brandon said evenly as he straightened up the younger boy so he wouldn't fall over. “You okay?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah…I guess” Connor muttered. 

“Good” Brandon said as he shifted his bag on his should and stepped past the younger boy. “By the way” he said quietly causing Connor to look back at the older boy, “make sure that they know that Mariana and I are also watching and trust me, Mariana is way worse than the rest of us” he said before walking off leaving Connor speechless. Then he smiled a little…Brandon had overheard him.

Connor walked into the house and noticed the suitcases sitting in the entrance and he felt a lump in his throat form. 

“Connor?” he heard his mom’s voice calling him from the living room. Walking in the room he saw his mom sitting on the couch looking unhappy.

“What’s going on?” Connor asked, scared of the look on her face.

“Connor I need to talk with you, please sit down” his mom said slowly. Over the next hour she told him that she and his dad have been having trouble for a while and they have decided to live apart for a while. She had just gotten a promotion and was going to be traveling a lot so she got a small apartment nearby for when she was in town so Connor could stay with her when she was here, but that he would be staying with his dad most of the time.

Connor tried to stay strong as they talked. He didn’t want her to leave but he wanted to understand. She told him how she and his dad were not able to solve their problems and it had been getting worse and worse and she needed to be somewhere where she could be who she needed to be. Though she didn’t say it, Connor knew that his dad didn’t like that she was so successful at her job and that he would often complain that she was too busy even when he did the same thing.

His mom promised him that she would be there for Connor and that she loved him but that the time apart was necessary. When he asked her, in a trembling voice, if they were getting divorced she had hugged him and said yes in a sad voice. They packed her car and he drove with her to her new place before getting dinner. She also showed him her schedule and warned him she would be traveling a lot to Hong Kong so it would be crazy for a while.

That night he went to sleep after his mom brought him home. His dad was sitting in the living room but Connor just avoided him and tried to go to sleep but upset that the one person who he desperately wanted to talk to, to confide in, to ask to help him…wasn’t speaking to him.

 

**FRIDAY AFTERNOON IN LENA’S OFFICE**

It had been a really long week for Connor. With his parent’s divorce and his mom’s new job, he felt like he was drowning and he had lost his best friend and it was killing him. He finally decided he needed to talk to someone. She had always been so nice to him so, steeling himself, Connor went to the office to see Lena, Jude’s mom, to ask for her help. The secretary sent him in and he saw her sitting at her desk looking tired.

“Everything okay?” Lena asked him as she looked up, rubbing the side of her neck. 

“Um” Connor said slowly as he sat down across from Lena’s desk “not really. I wanted to know if there is anything I can do to help Jude…besides making sure that the other kids don’t make fun of him.”

Lena looked at him, concern coming to her face. “Are they making fun of him?” she asks.

“Not in front of me, not anymore” he said shaking his head and biting on his lip nervously. 

Lena continued to look at him for a second before she took a deep breath and looked down. “Well…thank you for that” Lena said gently. “I appreciate you looking out for him. Being such a good friend.” 

Connor felt a rush of guilt and shame at the gratitude in her eyes that she showed him. He wanted to throw up knowing that this was all his fault. If he hadn’t told Jude about what his dad said, if he stood up for him maybe this wouldn’t have happened. And then Connor lied about standing up to his dad when Connor had just snuck out to come over to see Jude. Then he run out of the house when his dad showed up to avoid causing even more trouble for Jude. 

“Did something happen” Lena asked sensing something from Connor’s reaction.

Taking a breath Connor confessed. “My dad think’s Jude is gay. That’s why I can’t spend the night at your house anymore” he told her.

Lena froze trying to process what Connor said while getting her emotions under control. “I see” she said looking down. "Did he say that to Jude?” she asked. 

“No” Connor answered shaking his head. “But I did” he told her. 

“You told Jude you thought he was gay?” Lena said, the surprise clear in her voice.

“No!” Connor said with a shake of his head. He would never say something like that. “I told him my dad did” he explained. “I couldn’t stand up to him…and I think that really hurt Jude’s feelings” Connor said feeling his throat closing on him. Lena was looking at him and he couldn’t take it, looking away from the disappointment in her face. “I’m sorry” Connor said looking away in shame. He could feel the moisture in his eyes growing and his voice cracked with emotion “I wish he’d talk to me again.” 

Lena smiled slightly as she stood up and came around her desk. “It’s okay” she said to him but Connor didn’t want to look at her and see the pain in her eyes. “It’s okay…it’s alright” she said sitting down. “You’re not your father” Lena said and Connor’s breath caught. He looked up at her hoping she meant it. He has never been ashamed of his dad before this, but now he is. “Jude knows that” Lena continues. “And he’s going to speak to you again” she said steeling herself as she looks over at him. “You know, I think we all just need to give him some space. To figure out all the stuff he’s feeling inside” she says sounding so certain.

Connor looks at her hoping she’s right. “So it’s…it’s not my fault?” Connor asked her desperately. 

She didn’t pause or do that thing where an adult says something just to make you feel better but they don’t believe. “No sweetie. It’s not.” 

“So what should I do?” Connor asked looking at her for some hope.

“Connor, Jude has something called selective mutism” Lena said deciding that he needed to hear this.

“What’s that?” Connor said feeling his heart freeze in his chest.

“The doctor says it’s a mechanism for coping with all of the stress and problems Jude is facing. He still hears and understands, but he isn’t ready to talk yet” she explains. “All we can do is be there for him, continue as normal and understand that he is going to have to work through this. As his friend, just be there and don’t push him. When he is ready…he will talk again” she assures him.

“Really?” Connor really wants to believe her.

“I’m positive” Lena declares, the hope clear in her eyes.

 

**BACK AT THE BEACH**

“I remember Jude not talking” Taylor says when Connor goes quiet. “But I didn’t know what had caused it. He doesn’t really talk about that” she said to herself.

“There was a lot more going on than I knew about at that time” Connor tells her. “It wasn’t just the two of us and my dad, he and Callie had some issues and then his moms were also dealing with stuff too” Connor sighed. “It was just a lot all at once and he needed to figure things out.”

“Did he know about your mom” Daria asked carefully.

“Not for a while” Connor says with a small smile. “It was amazing how happy my mom got when she moved out. At first it bothered me that she was so happy. I tried to pretend nothing was wrong and that it didn’t bother me that she was doing so well, but it did. I finally understood that it wasn’t because of me, but it still hurt that she couldn’t be happy as part of the family.”

“Does she know?” Taylor asked. “About you…and Jude” she clarified.

“Yes” Connor said easily. “I talked to her on the phone after I got out of the hospital and she was really supportive. She has been in Hong Kong so we haven’t got to talk in person…but she’s good” he said with a smile.

“So were you really going to kiss Jude?” Daria asked remembering the game. "During Spin the Bottle, I mean."

“Yes” Connor said quickly. “I mean I was going to play it off, but I was curious about it” he told them.

“So your dad messed that up and now Jude is mad at you, so I guess things were not going to get better any time soon, huh?” Taylor said with sympathy.

“Well…” Connor slowly drawled. “That’s not exactly what happened” he smirked.

“What do you mean?” Daria asked.

“Remember the camping trip?” Connor asked them. When they nodded he smiled. “Jude and I had made up by then and ended up sharing a tent on the trip.”

“Your dad allowed you to share a tent with Jude for three days?” Taylor was stunned.

Connor smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The next chapter will take a bit of time. It will cover material not directly addressed by the show so I am writing it carefully to make sure I don't mess things up. Unlike other stories, I am trying to keep this one canonically accurate. My goal when writing this story was to tell it from Connor's viewpoint, but staying within the reality of the show so it will take me some time to make sure I don't write myself into a corner!_


	16. The Price of Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hi everyone. I didn't realize how long I have been between updates on this one. So I want to definitely apologize to everyone for the delay and hopefully this chapter and the next will make up for things. These chapters were the ones I was most nervous about. There was no real info, only hints, and my goal with this fic was to be 100% canon compliant but in watching clips and episodes I realized that there are some definite continuity errors in the show that make it hard to manage (especially Connor's parents' divorce situation). But I hope I did okay. The next part is the camping trip so I will put my spin on that part, but it will be focused on something that was glossed over instead of what everyone may be thinking. ;)_

**AT THE BEACH**

“Your dad allowed you to share a tent with Jude for three days?” Taylor was stunned.

Connor smiled. “It’s a bit more complicated. Things with Jude were tough. He wasn’t speaking to anyone, and even though Lena had said it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t know about all that other stuff happening. I had figured it was because of the situation with me and my dad that was upsetting him” Connor explained. “But talking with Lena did give me an idea.”

“What idea” Daria asked looking concerned.

“She said that we had to act normally, just treat him the same way and not make a big deal of him not talking. Give him space to figure things out” Connor told her.

“So how did that give you an idea?” Taylor asked him.

 

**ANCHOR BEACH**

Connor walked into the school on Monday after thinking about everything he and Lena had talked about. He figured that he might actually be able to fix things especially since Jude wasn’t talking. So he walked to his locker and waited casually for Jude to show up. Luckily it was just a few minutes before he arrived.

Closing his locker he tossed his backpack over his shoulder and walked over to Jude. “Morning Jude” he said cheerfully. Jude looked at him in surprise but Connor kept smiling. “Hope you had a nice weekend. Our soccer team won their game on Saturday” Connor continued pretending not to notice the confusion on Jude’s face.

Jude closed his locker and Connor smiled. “Gotta run to class, see you in math” he said cheerfully and walked off with a smile. He managed one quick glance backwards and saw Jude looking at him like he was crazy.

Connor sat down in his class and smirked. If Jude isn’t willing to talk to him, then he can’t tell him to go away. Connor was planning to just act like he did before their fight and would talk to Jude as if everything was normal. Luckily Jude was fairly quiet in general so it wouldn’t be too different.

Classes passed fairly quickly and it was time for math class. Connor diverted to Jude’s classroom to see if he could intercept him and sure enough he arrived just as Jude was walking out. Stepping beside the brunette Connor started talking about his previous classes, just babbling to be honest, but talking to Jude normally. He noticed Jude kept looking at him out of the corner of his eyes but he didn’t stop walking. They arrived in class and they split up to go to their desks and Connor saw Jude look back at him and Connor just gave a big smile to his friend. Jude looked even more confused and focused on his paper.

Connor repeated his walking and talking as they left but they had to split up fairly soon so Jude turned into his next classroom and Connor smiled and said goodbye as he walked on. 

“Dude” Connor looked over and saw Jake walk up to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah Jake, why?” he asked smiling.

“You were talking with that Jude kid” Jake looked confused.

“Yeah?” Connor replied. “Jude’s my friend. Why wouldn’t I talk to him?”

“But isn’t he not talking…like at all?” Jake looked confused.

Connor sighed. He should have known that people would be talking about it after his run in with Jeremy and Blake but he hoped that some people wouldn’t really care. “He isn’t talking right now Jake, that’s all” Connor said looking at his friend. “Doesn’t mean he’s deaf or anything. Besides, I can talk enough for two people” he finished with a smirk.

Jake laughed. “Well that’s definitely true” he admitted. “Want to sit with us at lunch?” 

Connor shook his head. “Jude and I are sitting together” he explained.

“Why? I mean he isn’t going to talk to you” Jake stammered.

“That’s the best part” Connor said looking at his friend. “I can talk about our soccer game in detail without interruption or being told to shut up. And I don’t have to listen to Geordie complaining about his sister or Zach talking about his new whatever” Connor rolled his eyes exaggerating his boredom with those two.

Jake groaned. The other two boys constant hogging of their table’s conversations had been annoying. “Maybe I should join you two?” he mused.

“Sure!” Connor said suddenly liking the idea. “But if you do, the deal is you need to behave like everything is normal. No comments or anything about Jude not talking” he clarifies at Jake’s confused look. “Just talk to him like you would anyone.”

Jake nodded and they walked into history together. Lunch was after this class so this should work.

Connor and Jake headed to the cafeteria after history class but Connor made sure to stop and talk to a few people so they would be a bit late in arriving. He knew Jude would avoid sitting with him if Connor was there first, so he wanted to make sure the other boy was already sitting there when they arrived. Grabbing their lunch, Connor led Jake into the seating area and sure enough, he saw Jude sitting alone at a table and he headed right over.

Putting his tray down he saw Jude look up startled. “Hey Jude” Connor said with a smile as he sat down. Jude narrowed his eyes at the blonde and Connor knew he wasn’t happy with him. However he looked really confused when Jake sat down a second later.

Connor didn’t give him much time to recover and started talking. He started on his soccer game and he was explaining it, in detail. He made sure to include Jude as much as Jake and threw in a few “you would have laughed Jude” or “it was crazy Jude” statements along the way.

Then he shifted to their history class and Jake joined in making fun of Mr. Davis. He got all worked up when he taught and the students, while they really did like him, did like to laugh at how he got all excited about stuff. They two of them talked normally, including Jude but without asking him to participate.

They finished lunch and Jake stood up. “Hey, I got to run to the library before my next class” he said with a smile. “Fun eating lunch with you Jude” he said looking at the other boy. “Later Connor!” He walked off and Connor saw Jude look at him with a suspicious expression.

“What?” Connor said innocently. “After days of having to listen to Zach bragging and Geordie complaining, Jake wanted a peaceful lunch” Connor explained. “I told him he could eat with us if he wanted to and he was really grateful.” Connor ignored the continued suspicion in Jude’s face.

“If you don’t want to eat with him just tell me” Connor said looking innocent and smiling when he saw Jude’s eyes narrow again. Connor waited for a moment but Jude didn’t speak so he just continued talking about nothing important while Jude glared.

Connor could tell he was getting frustrated and when Jude stood up abruptly, Connor rose just as fast following the other boy out of the cafeteria continuing talking without acknowledging his obvious frustration with Connor. They walked a bit down the hall on the way to their science class and Connor kept a big smile on his face despite the continuous side-eyes Jude was giving him.

Walking into class they took their seats and got ready for class to start. He saw several of his classmates giving him strange looks but he didn’t react like anything was wrong. He guessed that Jude was going to make it hard for him tomorrow, but he would figure that out later. Today at least, he got to talk to his best friend.

 

**THE NEXT DAY AT ANCHOR BEACH**

Connor walked in early again knowing that Jude was going to try and avoid him but determined to not let him succeed. He watched as the boy approached his locker and tried to ignore Connor but he saw it. Jude had brought his lunch today so he would be able to eat wherever he wanted to without going to the cafeteria. Connor smiled and laughed to himself. He really did know Jude as he had guessed this would be his plan which is why he not only brought his own lunch as well, he told Jake to do so as well.

Walking over to Jude’s locker Connor started talking like normal and this time Jude was completely ignoring him, acting like he wasn’t there. Connor smirked, he had anticipated this as well.

“So I was thinking about joining the dance team, do you think Mariana would help me try out?” he tossed out there causing Jude to stumble and look at him stunned. Connor raised his eyebrows and smiled at Jude’s reaction and pushed down the laugh when Jude went back to ignoring him. “I’m not a good dancer though so maybe I should try something else. What about wrestling? If I joined the team, maybe Jesus and I could become friends so he would be cool about me hanging out more” Connor smiled at Jude’s cough on that one.

The rest of the morning passed with Connor saying more and more outrageous comments which Jude kept reacting to despite his efforts to ignore Connor. He mentioned being a cop, asking Lena about indoor skating, seeing if Brandon and Callie wanted to form a band and if he could be the drummer. His favorite was when he told Jude he wanted to be chef. Jude almost died on that one especially considering how bad Connor was in the kitchen the last time Jude had come over and they tried to make cookies and almost set the kitchen on fire.

But it was time for lunch and Connor had mentioned to Jude that he might be a bit late to lunch because he had to talk to his teacher. He saw Jude suddenly look calculating and knew that he was going to try and hide from Connor. But Connor had prepared and Jake was in place and followed Jude outside where he sat behind a tree on the ground where he wouldn’t be seen by someone walking outside. To be fair, it would have worked if Connor hadn’t planned for it.

He walked out after Jake texted him the details and they walked over to the tree together and suddenly sat down across from Jude who definitely did not look happy with their arrival but Connor and Jake just kept talking like yesterday. Jake was actually enjoying watch Connor act like an idiot. He had warned Jake last night that Jude was mad at him and that Connor was using his not talking to try and get Jude to forgive him even though he didn’t want to do so.

But having tracked out there and unpacked his lunch, Jude wasn’t going to run away from them. They finished lunch and Jake headed off to talk to Angela, a girl he liked when Jude grabbed Connor’s wrist.

Connor stopped talking immediately and looked over at Jude and saw the anger and frustration on his face. “You are still mad at me” Connor said serious for the first time all week.

Jude nodded not breaking eye contact.

“I’m sorry Jude. My dad is a jerk and I am not handling it good but you are my friend” Connor said softly. 

Jude shook his head in denial.

That hurt Connor more than he thought it would. “Yes you are” he replied just as firmly. “You may not think that I'm your friend, but you are even if you don't feel the same way. I don’t care if you are or not. You don't have to be anything. I just miss hanging out with my best friend” Connor confessed and saw a flicker of emotion in Jude’s eyes.

“But it’s simple, if you don’t want me to hang out with you…tell me” he said looking at Jude expectantly.

Jude narrowed his eyes at the blonde boy. Connor could see that Jude wasn’t happy with Connor’s answer.

“Yeah, I’m a jerk, I know” Connor said with a smirk. “You aren’t talking and I tell you the only way I will leave you alone is if you talk to me.” He looks again at Jude, his exasperation with Connor clear. “But…I don’t care. I am still going to talk to you, eat lunch with you, and consider you my best friend until you tell me to go away.”

Jude smiles at that and pulls out his phone.

“Texts don’t count” Connor clarifies and laughs at Jude’s reaction which causes him to look even angrier.

“I guess you are just stuck with me Jude” Connor says smirking at the other boy. He can see Jude getting worked up. “But I will make you a deal” Connor offers in a thoughtful tone. Jude looks at him suspiciously. “You stop trying to avoid me” Connor starts and sees Jude tense up but he pauses for a moment smiling “and I won’t call you Judicorn, at school.”

Jude pales and his eyes go wide. Connor had never used Mariana’s nickname before and he was sure Jude didn’t know that Connor even knew about it. But Connor had heard Mariana say it once and he knew he had to hold it for the perfect moment. 

Connor looked at Jude and raised his eyebrows in question. “Do we have a deal?” Connor offered smugly.

Jude stared at him trying to intimidate Connor. Connor knew that Jude didn’t get angry very often and while it seemed that only he and Callie could really make him mad, he also knew that without speaking, he wasn’t quite as scary. Connor just waited and saw that Jude was wavering.

“Well, Jud…” Connor stretched it out and saw Jude panic and nod in agreement. “…ude” Connor finished with a smile. Jude sighed massively and Connor stood up and offered his hand to help the other boy up but he ignored him and stood up on his own. 

Connor smiled pleasantly and just walked behind him as they walked back to the school.

 

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

“You bullied him” Taylor said when Connor paused.

Connor looked at her and smiled. “I wouldn’t say that” he replied evasively.

“You totally blackmailed him into letting you hang out with him even though you knew he was mad at you, you knew he wasn’t talking so you made it so that the only way to get rid of you was to talk to you…seems to me a bit unfair” Daria said with a smile. “Did it work?” she asked and laughed when Taylor grumbled at her.

“We had a kind of truce, I guess” Connor confessed. “Jude didn’t ignore me anymore or try to avoid me. Jake was back with the other guys, but Jude and I were still eating together. I think it was a day or two later that I told him about my parents getting divorced and I think that was when things really changed. Instead of putting up with me, he started feeling like a friend again. He seemed like he cared and was sorry for me. It was nice to be able to finally talk about it” Connor admitted.

“From that point on he would listen to me and I started being able to read his reaction in his face and other gestures. It was like we could still talk, he just wasn’t using words” Connor told them. “It was about a week after that when Jude was absent from school on Wednesday, all of the family was and I later found out that Lena had lost her baby” Connor said softly.

“What?” Daria was shocked.

“I heard about that” Taylor said gently. “I mean I heard she was pregnant and then she was at the hospital. Two of the teachers were talking and I overheard them saying she had a miscarriage” she clarified.

“Yeah, I didn’t know that at the time but it happened and the family stayed home the day after it happened to be together” Connor told her.

“That’s so sad” Daria said unhappily.

Connor just nodded.

 

 **THURSDAY AT ANCHOR BEACH**  
Connor saw Jude and his siblings walk into school together and they all looked unhappy and sad and he wondered what had happened. Everyone was out yesterday and Connor first thought that it was just Jude but he had looked for someone to ask about Jude but found out that they were all out.

Jude came over to his locker and Connor came over. “Hey Jude, missed you yesterday” he said slowly. Jude looked up and smiled a pathetic excuse for a smile. He was trying to look okay and failing miserably.

“Is everything okay?” Connor asked.

Jude just shrugged and shut his locker. They walked together but Connor didn’t feel the need to chat for no reason and just walked with his friend instead. They parted to go to class but Connor was a bit worried. In math class he watched Jude carefully but the sadness was hanging over the brunette like a cloud and Connor didn’t like to see his friend looking so miserable.

By the time lunch came around Jude seemed better, he smiled, for real, a couple of times while they sat together but he was definitely distracted.

Friday was much the same with Jude looking more tired than he had before. Connor tried to tell him some funny stories, but they fell flat so eventually he just sat quietly and talked about their classes. The rest of the day passed without anything else happening and Connor walked with Jude as they approached the parking lot where he saw Callie and Jesus standing next to Brandon’s car and Connor waved at them and said goodbye to Jude and headed back to the bike rack to get his bike to ride to the park where he was meeting Jake and some of the guys.

Connor’s weekend was pretty ordinary. He played soccer on Saturday and hung out at the skate park for a while. His dad took him to the cages in the afternoon and it was better because Connor was more focused. He went to lunch with his mom on Sunday and when he came back home he remembered the letter for his dad.

“Dad” Connor said walking into the family room where his dad was watching a game. “I forgot to give you a letter from the school” he said handing his dad the envelope.

Adam looked suspicious. “What is it?” he asked pausing the TV.

“It’s the information and forms for the 7th grade camping trip” Connor told him. “We are going next week for three days so they want the parents to have all the facts and sign the permission so everything is done this week. We have to turn our forms in by Friday” Connor tells him and can see his dad relax. The school had told the parents about the trip a few months ago but they didn’t have dates or details at the time. 

“Okay, I will read it over and fill it out” Adam said putting it down and unpausing his game. Connor walked back upstairs to get ready for bed.

Monday came and Connor met Jude at his locker and he looked much better than last week. He didn’t know what had happened but maybe it had gotten better. Connor continued talking whenever they saw each other but Jude just nodded along as normal.

Connor sat down at their usual table at lunch when he mentioned the trip. “So I gave my dad the permission slips for the camping trip next week” Connor said. “It is so cool that we get to go for three days with no parents.”

“So he’s letting you go” Jude asked quietly.

“Of course” Connor said absently. “Dad likes all that outdoor stuff like hiking, camping…” Connor trailed off and looked at Jude in disbelief while the other boy continued eating his sandwich. Did he just hear Jude speak?

“So did you have a good weekend?” Connor asked carefully.

Jude looked at him and nodded with a small smile. Connor sighed, he imagined it. He reached for his drink and was taking a big sip when Jude smiled. “It was hard though” Jude said. 

Connor started choking on his water and he looked up, eyes watering, to see Jude laughing at his reaction. “Not cool Jude” he finally managed to get out.

“Maybe, but it was funny to me” Jude said clearly enjoying Connor’s condition.

Connor looked at the other boy for a moment before smiling. “I missed hearing your voice” he said, the sincerity in his voice causing Jude to look away.

Jude finally looked back and smiled. “Thanks for, you know, not giving up” Jude said.

Connor smiled because he knew that even though Jude was talking again, he wasn’t going to ask Connor to leave.

 

**BACK TO THE BEACH**

Taylor was smiling at Connor expression. “So you wore him down?” she asked.

Connor smiled at her and nodded. 

“I remember Jude talking on the camping trip but I didn’t know when he started talking again” Daria said thoughtfully.

“Actually he had started talking on Thursday” Connor told them and they both looked surprised. “He told me that Callie had talked with him after Lena lost the baby and he said it was like something just changed and he could talk again. He decided not to talk on Thursday and Friday just because he could and he wasn’t totally ready at school even though his family knew he was okay” Connor told them.

“So everything was good?” Taylor asked him.

Connor looked conflicted. “For a while. I mean my dad still didn’t like Jude and I couldn’t hang out with him but at least at school we could be friends. But the camping trip changed everything” Connor said with a heavy sigh.


	17. The Camping Trip

**ANCHOR BEACH**

“What do you mean the camping trip changed everything?” Daria asked confused. She remembered the camping trip, three days at the lake with their class and teachers, but the only thing that stands out for her was that was where she saw Connor swimming and really noticed him for the first time.

Connor looks really uncomfortable. He looks at both of the girls and pauses before looking around to see if anyone was nearby. Taylor frowned, this was the first time he really looked rattled as he talked to them. Something major must have happened.

“Okay” Connor took a deep breath. “There are somethings I am not going to share but I will try to explain.”

Daria and Taylor looked at each other concerned. “I thought you were going to be honest with us” Daria asked him with a frown.

“I am…but some things are private and this is one of them” Connor sound, his voice firm.

Taylor raised her eyebrows in surprise at the tone in his voice. This was something that he wasn’t going to budge on she could tell. “I think that’s fair” she says trying to defuse the tension.

Daria frowns but doesn’t say anything else but just waits.

* * *

 

**THE DAY BEFORE THE TRIP**

Connor came downstairs and saw his dad at the table and took a deep breath. He walked over to get the cereal and milk out for breakfast and saw his dad working on his phone and drinking his coffee. “Morning” Adam mumbled absently.

“Good morning dad” Connor replied carefully. It seemed that he was saying everything carefully around his dad. Ever since his mom had moved out things had been strained at their house. Connor had his first overnight stay with his mom next week and he knew that his dad was not happy about it, even if Connor was. “Did you finish the form for the camping trip?” he asked cautiously.

Adam looked up at his son. “What?” he asked looking confused.

“The 7th grade camping trip? You remember the papers I gave you this weekend?” Connor prodded. 

Adam suddenly nodded. “Oh those, yes. They are on the desk” he said absently. 

Connor walked over to desk and saw the papers and he glanced over them to make sure they were filled out before putting them into his bag. 

“Where are you staying?” Adam asked putting his phone down.

Connor gulped down his cereal and cleared his throat. “Blue Lake” Connor replied. All of that was in the paperwork if he had read it.

“They get you cabins?” Adam asked looking at his son.

“I’m not really sure” Connor said trying to sound casual. “It was cabins and tents, but I’m not sure who is in what” he replied. Truth was he did know. Almost all of the students were in tents though there were cabins for the chaperones and for several students with medical issues, but again, all of that was in the paperwork his dad was supposed to have read.

“Hmph” Adam grunted and picked up his phone that had just chirped. Looking excited, Adam stood up quickly. “I need to leave, if you want a ride you need to come now” he said absently.

“I can walk” Connor replied looking at his bowl that was still half full. Adam looked over at him and just nodded before heading out. 

Connor waited till he heard his father’s car pull out of the driveway before he let out the breath he was holding. He suddenly didn’t feel hungry anymore so he put his bowl away and decided to leave early. 

* * *

 

**ANCHOR BEACH ******

Connor walked into the school and smiled when he saw Jude standing at his locker. Grabbing his stuff from his locker quickly, he walked over to the shorter boy. “Hey” he said with a smile. 

“Hey” Jude replied shutting his locker. “Did you remember your paperwork?” he asked.

“Yep!” Connor said finally relaxing. He had wondered if his dad was going to ask a bunch of questions about the trip, or maybe not want him to go, but luckily he seemed to be distracted by work. “Do you know what they are talking about at the meeting today?” he asked Jude.

“Mama said they were going to go over the packing list, again” he groaned and Connor chuckled. “And then the schedule for each day, activities, food, and housing plans” he finished as they walked towards their first class.

Connor just nodded and wondered what Jude would say if he knew what Connor was planning.

* * *

 

The class assembly to go over the trip was pretty much how Jude had described it. Lena and the other chaperones went over the packing list and reminding everyone about bringing swimsuits and towels as well as warm clothes for nighttime. They had gone over the various activities, some everyone would do together and some they could choose before they put out the sign-up sheets for the tents.

“So” Connor said trying to sound casual as he stood up next to Jude. “Let’s sign up for a tent!” he said happily and pulled Jude along.

Jude looked at him confused but followed along. They got to the table and Jude saw Connor write down both of their names on a two person tent. “Connor…” Jude said slowly. “What about your dad?”

“He only said that I couldn’t stay at your house. He never said anything about camping” Connor said with a smirk.

“Connor, you know your dad is going to be angry about this” Jude said slowly not looking happy about it. 

“Don’t worry about it Jude. I can handle it” he tries to assure the brunette boy as they walk out of the room to their next class.

Connor smiles through his next class at having pulled that off. He knows that if he had asked Jude beforehand he would have resisted but his dad was being stupid. Jude was his friend and he didn’t care whether Jude was gay or not. He tried to rationalize that the strange feeling in his stomach was mostly nervousness about his dad and not a pair of warm brown eyes.

* * *

 

**BACK AT THE BEACH**

“Connor” Taylor said sounding concerned.

“I know Taylor” he said sounding sad. “Trust me, I know it was dumb.”

“Your dad?” Daria asked.

“Yeah, he was distracted like I said. Didn’t remember that night at all while I packed. I was very quiet and tried not to draw any attention. I mean we had gone camping before so I knew where everything was so I didn’t have to ask for my sleeping bag or stuff. I managed to pack most of it before he even got home and when he did get home, I was at the table finishing my homework which made him happy. He had a game on that night so we got pizza and we watched together till I went upstairs to finish” Connor told them.

“Did he even remember you were going to be gone for three days?” Daria asked shaking her head.

“Not till the next morning. I came down with all my stuff and he looked at me like he thought I was running away or something. Then he remembered and dropped me off at school before he left. When I told him I would see him when we got back, he was shocked we would be gone so long so I had to remind him, again. He even tried to tell me to keep my phone handy but I reminded him we wouldn’t have reception up there or chargers” Connor snorted.

“I got reception up there” Daria said confused. Connor looked at her and smirked. “Got it” she said shaking her head at him.

“So then what?” Taylor asked.

* * *

 

**LOADING THE BUSES**

“You ready?” Connor said dropping his bag next to Jude. 

Jude looked at the blonde boy in front of him smiling and had to smile back. “Yeah…that’s a lot of stuff” he said looking at Connor’s stuff.

“Well, my dad and I camp a lot so I brought some of our stuff to make our tent a bit more comfortable” Connor told him. “We are going to be there three days you know, so I want to make sure you have fun.”

Jude just shook his head and laughed. They called for loading the buses shortly after and Jude helped Connor carry all their stuff over to the buses. Jude smiled because he and Lena had packed a lot of stuff for him as well. The Fosters liked camping so they had all the stuff and Jude was fairly certain that between the two of them, their tent was going to be the most comfortable one there.

* * *

 

Connor dragged Jude to a seat right behind some of the guys from his soccer team and he laughed and joked with them as the bus loaded. Jude had sat next to the window and had agreed when Connor made him sit further back as he had tried to sit in the front by Lena, a plan that Connor had vetoed immediately. 

The ride was fun, playing games on their tablets and the PSP Connor had given Jude. They knew that they would probably not be able to recharge the devices so they planned to save them for the bus rides since it would be nearly three hours each way. 

“Connor!” Jake yelled jumping up from behind him. “Are you up for canoe races?” he asked laughing at the blonde.

“Sure!” Connor said laughing. “Jude and I will kick your butts!”

“You wish!” Kevin said from beside Jake. “You are so going down dude!”

They guys joked back and forth for a while before turning to talk to someone else and Connor turned around to see Jude watching him with a strange look on his face. “What?” Connor asked quietly.

“Canoe races?” Jude raised an eyebrow.

“We can take ‘em!” Connor assured the other boy who just shook his head. Connor then remembered that Jude had said he had never been on a boat before. “Have you ever been in a canoe before” he asked suddenly.

“Nope” Jude said not looking up. 

Connor paused and he saw Jude watching him out of the corner of his eye and he shrugged. “Well then we may not win, but it will still be fun” he said happily. He saw Jude smile shyly and grinned at the brunette. Connor was not going to let anything get him down on this trip!

* * *

 

Jude had grabbed a lot of their stuff when Connor went up to the staff to get a tent. He saw Lena with the other teachers but he went to Mrs. Daniels instead and smiled at her. “Tent for Stevens & Adams-Foster” he told her. She smiled and grabbed a tent and marked them off her list.

Heading back he helped Jude grab all their stuff and headed to pick out a campsite. The boys and girls locations were separated by the teachers in the middle as well as the cabins. Connor passed several open sites and he knew Jude was looking at him but he just whistled and picked a spot that only had one tent nearby. “How’s this?” he said looking back at Jude.

“Couldn’t find one farther away?” Jude asked sarcastically.

“You do not want to be near Kevin’s tent…he snores. And Mickey? He’s like a chainsaw. I’ve been on trips with both of them. Being over here? You will definitely thank me” Connor grinned at his friend as Jude just laughed and they set up their tent. They had both brought sleeping bags, though Connor’s was a thermal with extra insulation as well as pads to put underneath to make the ground softer. Connor also had a solar lantern that he set out to charge so they would have light after sundown. Jude had some padding and pillows and a battery operated lantern as well. 

By the time everything was set up to Connor’s satisfaction, which had very little to do with Jude’s, the tent looked pretty good and the assembly bell was ringing. They headed back to the main area where everyone was gathering. Lena announced that they would be leaving on the hike in twenty minutes and to grab their notebooks, specimen bags, and bug spray and meet back here. Jude and Connor, along with several others, had already came prepared so they just hung out for the rest of the time till they left.

* * *

 

**BACK AT THE BEACH**

“Wait a second” Taylor interrupted Connor. “Why were you avoiding Lena?”

Connor sighed. “I wasn’t sure if my dad had said anything to her. I mean I told her what he had said about Jude so I figured she probably didn’t have a high opinion of him, but she is the Vice-President. I figured she would agree with him if he complained. It wasn’t till later that I discovered how much she didn’t like my dad” Connor told them.

“Really?” Daria sounded doubtful. “Mrs. Adams-Foster is so nice. I can’t imagine her disliking anyone.”

Connor snickered. “You should have seen her after the trip. Not to mention later when I told my dad about Jude and I and he lied about me blaming Jude.”

“Wait a second” Taylor said looking startled. “After you were shot, Jude told me that you told your dad that it was Jude's idea to sneak out and drink at my house.”

Daria looked at Taylor in surprise. “What? It wasn't Jude's idea!” she was thoroughly confused.

“Yeah" Connor grunted. "My dad was yelling and I just yelled back and told him that I had sneaked out to see Jude and when he asked me 'what does that mean'…I finally broke down and told him that it meant that I was gay” Connor told them. “He got really mad and left the room. I later learned that he decided to tell Lena and Stef that I confessed that it was all Jude’s idea to do everything.”

“Why would he do that” Daria asked looking at both of them.

“Ohhh” Taylor looked sick "I get it."

“Yep” Connor confirmed looking at her. “He blamed Jude for everything and then used that as an excuse to tell Lena and Stef that we couldn’t be friends anymore. It wasn’t until Jude confessed everything to Lena, that we had kissed and that we were 'more than friends' that she finally understood what my dad was doing and she tore into him. I'm not sure what she said to him, but whatever it was it worked and he let Jude in to see me and we became boyfriends.”

“When did you kiss” Daria asked a bit too casually.

“Well…” Connor smiled and returned to the story.

* * *

 

**BLUE LAKE**

The hike had been fun as had the games afterwards. They ate hot dogs and burgers around the fire pits and made s’mores and it was time to turn in for the night. Jude and Connor had gotten into their tent and were getting ready to lay down when Jude looked over at Connor and looked nervous.

“I’m going to go brush my teeth at the bathroom” Connor said quickly standing up. He knew that Jude had already done so.

Connor went to the bathroom and waved at several of his classmates along the way. He quickly brushed his teeth before heading back to the tent. When he got back, Jude was already in a loose t-shirt and pajama pants. Connor smiled and reached over to his bag and pulled out his clothes. He looked back and saw that Jude had turned his back to the blonde and he smiled and quickly changed.

“All done” Connor said and Jude turned around. They sat down on their sleeping bags and started talking. There wasn’t much to say, Connor talked a bit about the soccer team when they saw a light outside the tent.

“Bed check” they heard Lena’s voice. The tent flap pulled back and Lena looked into the tent, lit up by the lanterns and smiled at Jude. “Jude” she said warmly. Connor saw the moment when she saw him and she froze for a second. “Connor? I didn’t realize you two were sharing a tent” she sounded a bit uncertain.

“Yes” Connor said quickly and looked at Jude who was looking nervous. “We both brought a bunch of stuff too. Makes the tent great don’t you think?” he asked her.

Lena smiled at the blonde for a moment, at how happy he looked, before looking over at Jude and nodding. “It looks amazing boys. Lights out in thirty minutes” she tells them and marks on her clipboard and she leaves.

Connor reaches over and zips closed the tent and lays back on his sleeping bag with a whoosh of breath. “That was close” he mutters.

Jude has been watching him and he snorts. Connor looks over in surprise and sees the look on Jude’s face. “You didn’t plan on her finding out we were sharing a tent huh?” he guessed shrewdly.

“Well” Connor drew out the word. “I figured it was too late to change now without making a big deal out of it, you know?” he asked.

Jude rolled his eyes and laid down. They talked about unimportant stuff till the chaperones came around again and they turned out their lanterns. They tried to stay up but it had been a busy day and they fell asleep fairly quickly.

* * *

 

The next day was fairly full. They got up and ate, then it was another hike and nature walk before returning to games around their camp site and then lunch. After lunch, everyone went to the lake and Connor taught Jude how to canoe and they did better than Connor had thought though Jake and Kevin did beat them in the race, it was a lot closer than Jude thought it would be. They also swam for quite a while before another campfire for dinner and snacks.

After Lena had checked on them for bed checks, Connor and Jude were sitting there talking. They would have to head back tomorrow afternoon and Connor was dreading going back.

“I wish we didn’t have to go back so soon” Connor said looking over at Jude.

Jude raised his eyebrow and smirked. “You really like sleeping on the ground and sharing the shower cabin with our classmates, not to mention the bathroom?” Jude asked sarcastically.

“Better than being at home with my dad” Connor muttered but Jude heard. Connor was surprised when Jude rested his hand on Connor’s leg and squeezed reassuringly.

“Connor” Jude started.

“Don’t Jude” Connor cut him off. “There’s nothing anyone can do about it. My dad’s being a jerk and I can’t do anything to stop it” he says picking at the seam on his sleeping bag.

* * *

 

**BACK ON THE BEACH**

Connor stopped talking for a moment and didn’t look at either of the girls. They looked at each other until finally Taylor spoke up. “Connor?” she asked gently.

He took a deep breath. “Remember when I said that I wasn’t going to talk about some things?” he said not looking at either of the girls.

“Yeah” they both said.

“What Jude and I said and did in the tent is something that is just for us. It’s not something I’m going to talk about with you…or anyone” Connor said carefully.

“I don’t understand” Daria told him. “Why now all of a sudden?” she asked.

Connor looked up at her and Daria’s breath caught. The raw emotion in his face stunned her, there was pain there, but there was also a fierceness she had never seen before. She glanced over at Taylor who looked just as surprised.

“I kissed Jude…that’s all you need to know” he said looking out towards the water.

“Was that your first kiss?” Taylor asked. “I mean other than when you guys played 'Spin the Bottle' with Maddie and Chelsea.”

"My first real one" Connor clarified. 

Daria leaned back and swallowed hard. This was the final nail in the coffin. She had really noticed Connor on the camping trip and had started paying attention to him when they got back to school which led to her suggesting that they work together on the science project shortly after. She leaned back and shook her head. She was the interloper in all of this. Connor had kissed Jude and then when she came along, he used her to hide from both his dad and Jude.

Connor and Taylor both looked as Daria stood up. “Daria?” Taylor asked confused.

“I think I need a minute” Daria responded to Taylor. She looked at Connor and he could see the anger flaring in her eyes. “Be back in a few” she said as she turned and walked away.

Connor sighed unhappily. Taylor watched Daria walk away for a moment before looking back at the sad face of the boy in front of her. “Connor…” she started.

“It’s okay Taylor” he said slowly. “I get why she’s mad and she deserves to be. She just figured out that Jude and I were…something before she asked me to be her partner. She had even asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told her no. She’s right to be angry with me” he told her.

Taylor looked sad but didn’t know what to say. She remembered how excited Daria had been before asking Connor about being partners. She had been talking about him ever since the camping trip, going on and on about ‘Connor’ this and that. Truth be told, Taylor was glad to switch partners just to get a break, and she did think that Jude was kinda cute.

She had figured Connor was just one of those typical dumb jock guys, maybe not ‘school-dumb’ but definitely ‘life-dumb’ and that Daria was all worked up about him was getting annoying. Besides, they were in eighth grade! She figured they might hang out, kiss for a bit, and then move on. Daria had had crushes on other guys before moving on so why should Connor be any different? But after they started dating, she seemed to get all wrapped up in him. When she started talking about losing her virginity, Taylor had been shocked beyond words even if she wasn’t entirely sure that Daria was serious about it. But Connor was definitely something that Daria had more than a passing interest in and finding out that he never felt anything, not even at the beginning, must have hurt.

“She really liked you” Taylor finally said after the silence had dragged out.

“I know” Connor replied sullenly. “I think that makes it worse…what I did. I would have preferred if she was just using me or something” he told her.

“So you wouldn’t feel so guilty?” she asked him shrewdly.

“Taylor…dating Daria was bad because it hurt everyone. Her, Jude, and myself. I liked her…as a friend, but I knew that she felt differently. I used her…plain and simple. I can’t defend what I did other than to say it was a desperate attempt to deny who I was” he told her.

“What do you mean?” Daria said as she walked back to the table having been listening for the last few minutes.

Connor looked at her and sighed again. “After the trip, things went really bad at home. My dad freaked out and I did too. Kissing Jude…it felt so right, so good. It scared me. I couldn’t be gay…I just couldn’t. When you asked me to be your partner…it was like ‘here’s a way out’ and I took it. Then when I saw how Jude reacted…at first I was happy because I was so mad at him, but then it just made me ill. My dad was so happy we were dating but I didn’t want to be and seeing what it was doing to Jude…I didn’t know how to fix it” he admitted.

Daria just looked at him for a second. “What a second” she looked confused. “Why were you mad at Jude?”

Connor shook his head. “What happened next is something I am not proud of…something I will regret for the rest of my life I think” he said carefully. Both girls looked nervous.

“It all started when my dad picked me up at the school after the trip” Connor started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hi everyone. I know this story doesn't get updated like the others and for that I apologize. I come back to it when I need something innocent and fun, but knowing the ending makes writing it tough. I know some people might have wanted more details on the tent scene, but I knew from the beginning that I wasn't going to cover that b/c if Connor really was talking to the girls, I think that kiss would be really private. His first kiss with Jude and then with everything that happens next...this would be where he shuts down. Hope you understand. -G_


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